Dear Friend,
Regret is a universal feeling and a fundamental part of being human, yet it’s rarely discussed. We all have it, but learning from it is optional. This month I’m making a case for why you should embrace the feeling of regret and how it can deepen meaning and persistence in your life. Neuroscience research shows the inability to grasp the concept of regret is actually a sign of brain damage, such as in Huntington’s disease, neurodegenerative disorders and other psychiatric diseases (Source). So if you’re lucky enough to have the brain capacity for regret, let’s get brave and uncover the benefits and powerful teachings it has to offer.
Let’s face it, regret is a stomach-churning, awful feeling. It’s natural to want to brush feelings like that under the rug or ignore them entirely. Sign me up for a “No Ragrets” tattoo right now! However, research shows that when you ignore your emotions it leads to what’s called amplification over time, which means the feeling not only doesn’t go away it gets bigger and louder over time. I used to be bff’s with the amplification process and it's largely why I began doing the inner work on myself, because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was forced to change, because my stored up emotions got too loud and were getting in the way of me living the life I wanted 🤯.
So what is regret and why should you embrace it? In the book “The Power Of Regret,” by Daniel Pink, regret is defined as “an unpleasant feeling associated with some action or inaction a person has taken which had led to a state of affairs that he or she wishes were different.” It's important to note there is a distinction between disappointment and regret, in that regret involves personal responsibility. This is the sting of regret and why it can be so hard to let it in… it literally is personal.
There's value in allowing your feelings in and being open-minded to learn from them. Regret has been shown to deepen our sense of meaning more so than pondering itself. The first step is to get curious about how you personally approach your feelings.
Three Key Beliefs Through Which Humans Approach Their Feelings:
Which style can you relate to the most?
- Feeling is for ignoring (which leads to amplification of our emotions, because the feeling doesn’t go away, it actually gets stronger with time).
- Feeling is for feeling (can lead to getting stuck or fuel the habit of ruminating).
- Feeling is for thinking (used as a catalyst for future behavior).
When you allow yourself to be curious about your feelings it opens up the opportunity to learn and grow from your experiences. Regret is a powerful teacher and science shows that regret specifically yields both a personal need and a lesson. Those are the pearls of wisdom hidden within regret!
Here are a few questions to help you dig deeper into your hidden need and the lesson within a particular regret.
- What was I really wanting or needing to happen?
- What went wrong here?
- How can I learn from experiencing this regret?
- What will I do differently in the future because of this regret?
