Shutup. But, anyway, I av met Blazin' Squad, and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway, I do know them already because I'm their assistant. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not, then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox. 

 

Teenagers are a piece of work, but in the age of AI, they might be the best thing to ever happen to you. They might even be your commercial saving grace. If you don't have immediate access to one find one; it could be a teenage boy or girl you could even have mine. Either way, you need to get your hands on a brat right now. 

 

 

The teenage brain is so chaotic and irrational that it is possibly the only way to outwit the machine. AI is trained on the past and predictability. Don't give it to them. There is no way AI can predict Raymond Pettibon's next move! 

 

 

So, in summary. Before you post or share something, ask yourself, “What would Vicky Pollard do?” 

 

Be unpredictable. Change course, cover your tracks, and don't let those little micro aggressors processors pick up your scent; otherwise, you're done for. Engage your teenage brain and everything will be just fine.

 

The AI future is dull; the creative, unpredictable, teenage-driven future is bright. Ask any parent with teenagers! There is never a dull moment. 

 

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I've adapted the below to help you train your teenage brain. 

 

🧁 = (cupcake) Treat brain – Teenage brain happy. Very rare.

🦪 = (oyster) I'm on a downer; I'm taking you down with me. Common.

 

🦪

The Internet Con. Cory Doctorow does it again. When the tech platforms promised a future of "connection," they were lying. They said their "walled gardens" would keep us safe, but they were prison walls. B'stards!

🧁

The Road Rat. Every teenager loves a little nostalgia. This magazine is firstly absurdly gorgeous but well written and full of nostalgia for automobilia. 

 

🦪

The Idles. I'm angry and happy and oh-so-angry and then happy again and upbeat and want to dance and fight and dance again. Idle's new album, Tangk, is the best album to date, and I'd be willing to bet this will make an album of the year. 

🦪

Samantha Morton. Sam, best known for her phenomenal acting (recently awarded a BAFTA fellowship) has started a musical career supported by producer Richard Russell, given Sam's grit and energy we will be hearing a lot more from her for sure. 

 

🧁

Will Smith. Yes, bitch-slap-fresh-prince Will Smith has a podcast. Did you know? Engage the teenage brain. This is called Class of '88 and features Run DMC, Rick Rubin, Queen Latifah, and more. 

 

🦪

The way. I think Adam Curtiss takes us on a docu-drama journey from Port Talbot to Calais in one of the best TV shows of the decade. (Not in the UK; you'll need a VPN and a BBC iPlayer account, but trust me, it's worth it.)

🧁

The Iron Claw. It's not quite as good as fighting with my family, but if you aren't averse to a wrestling movie and, like most of the world, a little obsessed with Jeremy Allen White, you'll love another A24 hit. 

 

🦪

I'm a little biased as Stephen is a Sarabande artist. However, Stephen's work captures something magnetically melancholy; his use of colour is hypnotic and will trigger the dark side in you. Or just the normal teenage side you forgot existed. 

 

PS: If you know of any other like-minded fools who'd like to receive this letter, tell them they can subscribe by clicking here. 

 

Wagwan.