“i expect my writing to be a symbol of my wisdom, of my worth.”
“i expect to feel confident bc of what i write.”
i wrote that this morning and revealed to myself how much i actually expect so much of my writing. its why i don't write. its why i avoid anything that has the added step of a script.
i was trying to notice when this was taken from me, when i was made to think that i was not worthy bc i couldn't articulate myself through my writing - or my writing wasn't good enough for those reading it. i think sometimes about how being a projector and a 2 line allows me to simply say “i'm not meant to be understood by everyone” - how i've created this narrative around the root belief:
i don't write well. what i write isn't worthy and bc of this i can't expect it to reflect me & my brilliance… bc i know i am brilliant but its hard to show it bc i can't write.
i will not be editing this. i want to heal.
being in academia, writing for publication and funders in science - in business, writing to possibly get new coaching clients or facilitation gigs, i've lost a sense of worth. in part bc i have to curate myself to cater to a specific group since grade school, for almost two decades intensely.
where have you curated yourself to cater to being worthy? to being valued?
i want how my writing to be received to be a testament of how i am received. i want it to reflect what i am deserving of, of being shared, uplifted, inspiring and moving for others too. i want to feel brilliant bc of what i write.
that isn't fair.
especially when i still have to write and articulate myself. especially when its my wound i'm avoiding.
i want to heal. and maybe this is part of a new chapter of the unfolding for me. full moon in leo who wants to be seen, leo in my house of creativity with the only placement being chiron (iykyk). maybe i write here to be witnessed and to show my humanity so others have space to see there's, so we can recover and heal.
maybe i just need to witness myself. either way, welcome if you're here. goodbye if you tune out. either way i send you love.
