Hi lovelies,
Thank you for taking a few minutes to read my story. I hope it inspires something in you!
Let me explain…
So photographs…ugh… I rarely like pictures of me. To be clear, my intention as I write is not about fishing for compliments. (Get it? I am at the ocean. I couldn't resist😆) Truly though, I have a much greater mission at play.
Why don't I like what I see? I do make funny faces. I look uncomfortable. But why? High school, college, my 20s…not good photos. Yes it was the 80s and 90s but I can't blame it all on that.
In my 30s and early 40s, pre-menopausal me working towards my career goals, I tended to like pictures more than I do now. Sure I looked younger, was in better shape…blah blah blah… it wasn't that!
Since returning to Maine, life has been hard. If I am honest though, Maine has always been tricky for me. For as much as I love it, I never felt fully embraced.
Add→
1 quart of trauma
1 pint of missing my old life
1 cup of menopause
½ cup of new office/shop stress and money
¼ cup of trying to be something I am not
2 tbl of criticism
…and well you have the recipe for a woman who REALLY hated their professional photography shoot and felt INCREDIBLY TRIGGERED by it!
WHHHYYYY!!!
IN MANY WAYS. I FEEL BETTER NOW THAN I HAVE IN YEARS!
I felt so embarrassed. Was I that vain? Was I being too difficult for the photographer? She was so nice and really tried. I then started too worry about hurting her feelings. I was criticizing her work and my body!
I looked past it all, through it all and realized the picture was fine. Many would say pretty. It is a nice photo. So why does it bother me so much?
BECAUSE IT IS NOT ME!
You will never catch me holding my body looking up at the sky (with a fake expression). EVER! That was someone I thought people wanted to see. A doctor healer lady who is so inspired and has it all figured out. Ohhh, look at me, I can help you feel this way. I am so enlightened. Look at how Earthy I am. OMG NOOOOO not me and not the kind of practitioner I will ever be. I will always keep it real. Real = messy most of the time!
I was still not happy with my insights. There was more and I knew it!
I had another shoot with a different photographer 6 months later. Same thing! UGH!!!
Ok…I will wrap this up and get to the point. When I was in my 30s and 40s, I was in a city I loved, learning about the work I would be building my legacy doing. I was Stella and I was in my groove. Sure there were challenges but I was so empowered, fulfilling my life's purpose.
My discomfort when I was younger and since returning to Maine stemmed from not knowing who I am. So stifled. Sad. Insecure. Rejected. Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too big. Too spiritual.
I didn't know who I was during the photos shoots! You can see it in the images. The body language. The expression on my face. My entire energy is off! I was so disturbed by my awkwardness and found it far too unpleasant to look at.
That was the moment I realized I had to own who I am NOW. The tricky part was that first I had to figure out who that is!!!
FYI, this is all over my astrological chart. It is for everyone to some extent. I have been going on autopilot for so long, trying to manage everything with my new business, my elderly Dad, his properties, my family, our home, my old traumas, etc.,. I felt broken the moment I realized how spread thin I was. I gave myself zero time to sit with the question of who was I becoming.
So I got to work on me! Next step me!
It feels reeeeaaaally good!
I am grateful to myself!
We are all a work in progress!
Give yourself time, especially with the astrology of 2024, to nurture the masterpiece that is YOU!
…and likely get your groove back too…😉
