And, no. This is not some terrible “they walk into a bar…” joke.
Recently, I took a Polyvagal Theory training taught by the brilliant
Katie Yant, LCSW (shout out!) that explored the importance of understanding how our nervous system works.
I asked her, “If our nervous system is so important in getting us information, how does it know the difference between running away from a lion and running sprints for exercise? Both include elevated heart rate, sweating, running really fast…so, why does one feel horrifying and one feel good?”
Without a pause, she answered in one word: “Safety”.
Our brain likes vigorous exercise and hates running from lions because one is safe and the other is terrifying.
What does this have to do with parenting?
When your child is experiencing a big feeling:- fear, shame, anger, disappointment- the response from the people around them can help them know if they are safe or unsafe-whether this is an experience they can handle or one they should be terrified of.
In other words, is this feeling a lion or a treadmill?
(You don't have to like the treadmill, just like you don't have to like the hard feelings, but you know neither of them are dangerous.)
OUR response- “you are feeling this hard feeling AND you are safe”- can help our loved ones feel more confident in their ability to navigate that tough feeling, not just now but into the future, when disappointment, sadness, loneliness, are all guaranteed to show up again.
