Usually March is my favorite month of the year. It’s my birth month and historically, I have always loved the way I feel in March. I even love the sound the word March makes when you say it out loud. This year there was no good sound to it. It was all silent for the most of its’ parts. Life happened to me. I’ve had no hand in the last two months’ unfolding. Two month’s of reminding that everything is completely out of my control. Which then feels contradictory because I believe I am the creator of my life? And then with a little time and perspective and in this case, gratefully, with a little grace: I come to understand that life is completely out of my control. But it’s how I choose to manage the chaos - in my internal and outer world, that’s how I am the creator of the life I want to live. And then I trust the change unfolding in my life. 

My feet feel heavy with grief

Unbearable weight that makes me want to saw them off

Maybe then I’d have some relief

From the uncomfortable gravity of my own weight

Incapable of feeling lite

Weighted, like a thousand pounds of unrest simmering in the pit of my stomach

But too lazy to reach a boil

Instead the unrest just sinks, my heart along with it

in my chest

I feel it beats loud, through my sweater, racing pulse

But it gives no hope

No sign of real life

Only thumping that reminds me of this life

that I am living

And he no longer is. 

Timothy Andrew Brenestuhl

September 30th, 1983 - February 19th, 2024

April is on Monday and I’m going to go into it with a little more hope. Spring has been called and the green mountain view from my office is speckled with purple and orange flowers. It's really a sight. There is one bird that chirps that sounds like a broken dryer machine lol. After much observation, I have discovered that hummingbirds do stay put sometimes on branches after they've sucked on some flower juice. I am in love with our new house and so grateful for the warmth it's provided through the shit of the chaos. My husband is a life saver. I fall in love with him more and more each day. Each crisis we face, he provides the space for me to stretch my grief with no limits and his arms only seem to get stronger the heavier I fall. I can only hope I am of equal relief to his life. 

 

I welcome April with a fresh self, I welcome clear vision and inspired action. 

💘