First name / Friend,
If you've done coaching with me, you've spent time exploring the beliefs you have about yourself that get in the way of you living your best life.
While most humans have more than one limiting belief, we usually have one central belief that's more dominant than the rest.
Sometimes we call this belief a gremlin - the inner voice that tells you, in one way or another, that you’re not good enough.
For example, maybe you believe you aren't qualified enough. Attractive enough. Smart enough. Persistent enough. Or worthy of [fill in the blanks].
Our gremlin usually emerges early in life and reappears over time. Eventually, we tell ourselves that our gremlin is true because we've seen history repeat itself and have the data to show.
Our gremlin serves the key purpose of protecting our ego and making us feel safe. And we stay in a perpetual state of fear and disappointment until we address it head on.
. . .
My journey with my own gremlin started in 2019 when I began my coaching certification.
During our second module (intensive training), we had to do a gremlin project as part of our course work. Let's just say I did not enjoy it. It was hard for me to understand the concept - let alone identify my gremlin.
But with time, discomfort, and thoughtful reflection, I narrowed it down to one key message: I don't deserve it.
This belief had developed earlier in my life through a variety of experiences, including my childhood conditioning, cultural messages surrounding women, and my time in the nonprofit sector.
It was like a virus that spread into every area of my life. I felt like I didn't deserve abundance in a real way - whether it was at work, in friendships, with my health/body, money, or in love.
I told myself the story that if I remained a selfless and virtuous woman without any needs, then I would feel a sense of love, acceptance, and security from the world around me.
Furthermore, if I held onto the belief that I didn't deserve it, each time I experienced hardship in my life, I'd feel a sense of validation instead of disappointment.
Professionally, I was able to “thrive on paper” with enough success to ignore my burnout and push on through.
Personally, I was all over the map. While I had a pretty great community in Denver, I was still holding onto toxic friendships and navigating my relationship with my family. And my dating life was next level bad.
As you can imagine, when I met my (now) husband Ben in 2021, it was initially hard for me to accept the reality that he could be a great partner for me.
Things were effortless, happy, and smooth sailing, month after month. But I had never experienced being with a healthy and happy partner before - or having a romantic relationship end without disappointment.
And to make it worse, I had gone through a
traumatic event with someone I was dating just one week prior to meeting Ben.
It turned out that the most critical part of building a longterm relationship with Ben was choosing joy with him and deciding that I did, in fact, deserve happiness with a partner.
. . .
Flash forward to 2023, when Ben and I got married and explored the idea of starting a family.
Perhaps different from other couples, we were not attached to the idea of becoming parents. Eventually, we came to terms with the fact that we'd never be a hell yes or no with our decision, or know how our journey would go.
The best path forward for us was to try. We'd take things one step at a time and remain hopeful but unattached to any outcome.
When I saw my positive pregnancy test in December of last year, I had a really strong emotional reaction. I was in complete shock and could not believe that it was real.
Having things “work” for me personally (and especially with a relative degree of ease) was unchartered territory. I had also watched countless friends and clients go to hell and back on their fertility journeys. I felt excited and terrified at the same time.
I cried uncontrollably as tears of joy ran down my cheeks. I looked into the bathroom mirror and said:“Things are supposed to end in disappointment for me. Is my story changing? Could this actually be possible for me?"
. . .
Five months later, I can confirm for you that my story has evolved and things feel a bit different in my heart. I feel grateful, nervous, and hopeful. And I pinch myself whenever I see my belly in the bathroom mirror.
What I know to be true is this:
In order for me to experience joy, I have to be really courageous and actively choose joy over disappointment.
I don't want to be that person who looks back at their life and says: “wow, I spent so much time dodging joy to keep myself safe that I missed out on the life that was meant for me.”
I also have to give myself permission to be human, knowing that I am not not alone in my suffering.
In an
interview with Oprah years ago, Brené Brown shared:
“one of the most terrifying emotions we experience as humans is joy.”
Brown goes on to say: “I once interviewed a man who told me 'my whole life I never got too excited or too joyful about anything. I just kind of stayed right in the middle. That way if things didn't work out I wasn't devastated and if things worked out, it was a pleasant surprise'."
I'd like to meet that man someday (or start a joy support group with him).
. . .
If you're struggling with inviting joy into your life, I want you to know that the research (overwhelmingly) shows that you are not alone.
And - I invite you to explore the notion that a brighter future is waiting for you.
This month, carve out 10 minutes to answer the following questions:
- Where (or how) can you invite more joy into your life?
- Where are you armoring up and clinging onto the fear of disappointment?
- If you no longer believed that [insert your gremlin message], how would you live your life?
Please know that I'm thinking of you as you experience both joy and disappointment, and encourage others to do the same.
If you know someone in your life who you think could benefit from this message, please pass it along. We're in this together.
