My husband and I celebrated 11 years of marriage at the end of May. I truly can't figure this out… since I'm convinced I'm still 28 years old and I was 23 when we got married. But a marriage anniversary is definitely something to celebrate. Marriage isn't easy (google divorce statistics). For us, celebrating an anniversary means celebrating both another year of staying tin the fight and the faithfulness of God, who is the ultimate sustainer of this covenant we made 11 years ago. 

 

Within this year I confidently celebrated, “This is the best it's ever been!” and lamented “This is the hardest it's ever been.” David and I are both committed to our covenant of our marriage, but recently, I have recommitted myself to the quality of our marriage. I'm focusing on what I can do to make every day we have together the best that it can be, inasmuch as it depends on me. So, I've been thinking a lot about what I've done to compromise the quality of our marriage over the last decade and change. And I thought I'd share that list with you, at the risk of being thought of as the world's worst wife, in case it might help you to not be.

 

 

1. Believing that working on my marriage means working on my spouse when it actually means working on myself and the role I play in our relationship. My faithfulness is not dependent upon anyone but the Holy Spirit. And I am always at risk of spiritual blindness—seeing the spec in my husband's eye when there's a plank in mine. 

2. Blaming my husband for my insecurity instead of fighting to root my identity more deeply in Jesus. When my confidence is low, I get needy. That usually happens because I'm looking to external sources to tell me I'm worthy. It's not a weight my spouse can bear, but it is the role Jesus is infinitely equipped to play.

3. Viewing my husband as a character in my story instead of the Lord's. When I do this, I look for ways he can make my life easier or meet my expectations. Thinking of my husband as a child of God leads to me loving him as a neighbor. At times in our marriage, I've held him to a sort of script subconciously written in my mind for my idealized version of our family, but he's a person, not a pawn. An idealized version or picture of what it means to be a happy family is a sneaky idol that has, on occasion, actually robbed me of actually having a happy family.

4. Magnifying the bad instead of dwelling on the good. This takes discipline, but I'm strengthening this mental muscle by making lists of what I am thankful for and making a point to tell him. Love keeps no record of wrongs, but it does rejoice in the truth. It is a fight to focus on what is true, and I've discovered I can't let my guard down against lies. It's worth the mental work.

5. Not holding my tongue. Not everything needs to be said or talked about. Constant correction is crippling, and some offenses should just be overlooked. When something does need to be addressed, choosing the right time and place is also important.

6. Not being clear about my desires or expectations. My husband is not omnipotent. He cannot read my mind. Making eye contact, stating a clear request, and asking if it feels realistic for him helps us avoid a lot of unnecessary pain and confusion.

7. Not saying “I love you” when I don’t feel it. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Loving is an act of faithfulness. It is something we feel, not something that happens to us. That's what it means to say “I love you.” I am committed to saying it and saying it back, even in the moment my heart feels cold or indifferent, because those are the moments that it is perhaps the truest, when I am choosing to love in spite of my feelings.

8. Assuming the worst instead of attributing positive intent. One of the enemy's sneakiest tricks it to try to tempt me to suspect ill intent on the part of my husband. I don't have to succumb to that trickery. I can say, “he loves me.” and “he loves our family.” instead of believing otherwise when work commitments prevent him from being with us or humanity leads to forgetfulness.

9. Not making room for my husband to be “off” or “down.” In the past few years, I have really focused on becoming “safe” for my husband. This means listening instead of fixing. It means responding with compassion and offering space when he needs it. This means being attuned to his emotions and his needs, and bearing his burden by shouldering more at home so that he can remain mentally healthy.

10. Mistaking “sameness” for unity. Just because my husband does things differently doesn’t mean he’s doing it wrong. It also doesn't mean that we have fundamentally different values or goals. It is a good thing that my children have two very different parents who see the world from different angles. We share a fixed theology, with lots of room for flexible methodology in family life. And that's a good thing.

11. Forgetting the goal and point of marriage. It is a crippling error to believe that marriage exists for our happiness. My union with David has absolutely produced moments of breathtaking joy and gladness, and those are indeed windows into glory, but marriage is more about becoming holy than being made happy. Marriage is exposing, and when I remember that it's purpose is the glory of God, brought about through my own sanctification, then I am grateful for David in the moments I am most tempted to resent him.

 

I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling incredibly exposed at this point after rereading all that I have just typed. I want to offer the caveat that list is solely focused on my failures over 11 years… and that we just had the most amazing weekend, that I'm learning from my mistakes, and that we really do have a sweet marriage. But I don't need to justify myself. I know that Christ is my righteousness. He provides the covering for my sin and my shame, and makes it possible for me to go first without fear of condemnation, desiring that others might learn from my own failure. I hope in the recent future you might be prevented from making at least 1 if not all 11 of these mistakes. For the glory of God and the good of your marriage.

 

 

 

with humble gratitude,

 

1. Playing games with my 8-year-old son. We've been loving this one.

2. Watching “Call the Midwife” with an AirPod in while I put the house to bed each night.

3. Laughing with David. My husband and I have been giggling a lot the last week or so and it's a treat. It's not great when it happens in the middle of parenting. But trying to hide our laughter adds to the fun. It might be traumatizing for the kid causing our laughter, but at least it serves as bonding for their parents.

Alongside some wonderful and wise authors, I had the honor of writing the first four entries for this devotional on the fruits of the Spirit. It's a fabulous choice if you're looking for something quick but poignant to keep you rooted in God's word and dependent on the Holy Spirit this summer. I've loved every word. 

 

We've talked a lot with our boys about emotional regulation and dependence on the Spirit. Lately, in the moments when I can see them starting to lose it, I'll say this to them. It's a reminder to take a deep breath to calm their nervous system, and to say a prayer and use a practice to help bring their thinking brain back on line when their feeling brain is taking over. 

 

Honestly, I've been saying this a lot to myself lately. It's easy to forget that I know the alarm code when the sirens are going off in my brain, but sometimes I run around in a lie-believing-frenzy on the inside instead of punching it in. I need the accountability and the reminder that I don't have to succumb to my feelings, that I can choose how I respond when I am affected, from a Spirit led place instead of behaving like an orphan. For me, not fighting for self-control or applying the truth to the lies in my mind that lead to me feeling unhinged is the product of laziness and operating out of a fatalistic mindset. This phrase is an invitation to hope and a call to action.

This little friend entered the world on June 1, and I also got my hands on the SPANISH translations of a few of the board books last month. They're a little hard to find, so I linked them all for you under “board books” in my amazon store! 
 

A: 1. Giving my kids and me a break from one another. My workouts had become an occasion for discord and temptation for me to resent my kids. I was trying to fit it in when it would serve my family better to have an outing or have me fully present and available. My mornings and rest time were taken up by other things, so I wasn't willing to move my workouts to those times. 2. Giving my kids a chance to socialize with kids in general, but also kids who are different from them. Our gym is super diverse. 3. Feeling isolated. The gym provides me with an opportunity to meet new people and connect with some of my friends regularly (even if it isn't for long). I'm an extravert and this has been super life-giving for me. 4. Other adult influence. Since my kids are not in a classroom every day, and are mostly always with me, it's really important to me that they have opportunities to learn to respect the authority of other adults and abide by kid group setting rules. 5. Evangelistic opportunities. I want avenues to meet people who aren't Christians. I want to shine the light of Christ into their lives and be able to practice hospitality with them. 6. I really love group fitness. I find that I do more reps, lift heavier weights, and feel a greater sense of fulfillment when I'm working out with others and being pushed by a trainer. 7. A few of my really dear friends did Burn Bootcamp and loved it, and I love doing the same basic workout near and far with those pals! 8. It also makes working out when traveling easier because I can drop in and still get childcare at another location.

 

A: When I feel like things start falling through the cracks, re-visiting and updating the habit tracker is always such a gift to me (you got this when you signed up for this list!). Habit tethering also always really helps me. I tie something I want or need to do to an activity I never miss doing. Putting my phone in an difficult to access spot also really helps clear mental clutter and multiplies my minutes by preventing distractions.

 

 

A: This is an exciting question! Our oldest had a meeting with an elder in our church last week because he wanted to become a communing member of the church. My husband and I did not attend the meeting. As parents, we looked for fruit of dependence. As an elder, his job was to look for an understanding of the gospel, the role of the Word of God, and what it means to be a participating member in this local body. Only God knows if a child is truly regenerate, but I love that our local church comes alongside families in this way. I love that the meeting gives a child dignity and responsibility. I would talk to your church leadership about their thoughts on baptism and admittance to the table and partner with them to determine if it's a good time. If your child expresses interest, I wouldn't be the one keeping the gate closed to them. Invite your church leadership into the conversation.

 

I'll be at TGCW24 “Behold and Believe” in June and will be on a panel on Saturday morning with Sara Walton and Linda Green, talking about the grace of God in different stages of parenting. I truly hope I get to hug you there!!! 

 

A lot of you have asked what I'm most looking forward to about this event. The thing I am MOST excited about is being with my sister. I have been going to these conferences with my sister, Jamison, for over a decade (minus the one they rescheduled during covid!). I love getting this precious time with her sans kids, and have said “no” to lots of meetings to guard my time with her. That said, I am looking forward to some of the meetings that I do have. I'm meeting my editor for Held and the Training Young Hearts books for the first time. She has become very dear to me over the last few years, and it will be a joy to hug her. I'll also connect with a few sweet friends and some new publishing contacts. I am always grateful for the rich teaching, practical breakouts, and worshipping in a giant room filled with women singing God's praise. And I LOVE being in the bookstore. It's inspiring just to read all of the titles and see how God is at work around the world through the booths in there. Make sure you leave room in your suitcase to take advantage of the great deals if you're coming!

 

 

I can't do it all.

 

In hopes of taking on some writing projects this year, I took a step back from every leadership role I hold and most service roles. My one obligation is tutoring my son's class for our homeschool co-op because he begged me to and it accomplishes my goal of making sure he feels valued.

 

I burned out this year. I had too many commitments and my body, my family, and my mind suffered as a result. Stepping back was an act of faithfulness, trusting God for my identity instead of my roles, and believing that Christ is my righteousness when I fear when people will think of me.

 

I'm hopeful for what opportunities my surface to fill some of the margin I have created. But even if no contracts are signed, I'll be glad for the rest this space affords, and the ability to be more present with my boys.

“Repentance is an invitation to joy."

-Harrison Spitler

(one of my pastors)

 

 

 

I'll save my best work and thoughts for this list, but I'll still be posting on the gram. If we're not connected there, I'd love for you to come follow along! Just click one of these “lately” photos below!