A note on connection:
I have been thinking about the power of connection (basically non-stop) since the retreat. Connection for Autistic adults is both crucial and complicated. Before I realized that Autism affected my own relationship with connection, I was REALLY hard on myself when connection didn't come easily. How was it that I could be the “life of the party” in comfortable settings, and found social events with people who I didn't “click” with to be unbearable. A sporting event with other parents? I'd rather do anything than perform “sportsball mom smalltalk.” An impromptu dinner with parents of my kiddo's friends sent me into a panic mode. What would we talk about? Did they share similar values? Would they think I was weird? How long would we have to be there? It was anything but comfortable for someone who truly loves connection. Also, I “do” connection for a living! And to be clear, I could do it there too, but it was EXHAUSTING. The shame spiral of “why can't I just do this thing everyone does?” was a lot. I thought I did a pretty good job masking, but it became clear over time that more often than not I came across as rude, shy, arrogant, or unapproachable in settings where I wasn't comfortable. Watching my husband approach these interactions as “just dinner” or “no big deal” further solidified that something felt so off with me when it came to connection beyond my circle of 2 best friends.
The flip-side wasn't great either. When I found myself in a group with other people connected by an interest, like a photography group, or a therapy training, I was able to talk FOREVER about “the thing" we were there to talk about. Even within a focused group of other people who share that interest, I could be a lot. It wasn't easy for me to put down the interest and connect without talking about “the thing” non-stop. It was hard to connect with new people unless they were at my same intensity level. This is hard to find in Neurotypical spaces.
I learned in adulthood that there was no middle ground for me.
Luckily, I spend my work days with all of you! It was SO validating to hear other adults share their similar struggles.
Connection quotes that come up in therapy with Autistic humans:
• “socializing with one or two people is doable, more than that is exhausting”
•"if the people I'm talking to are willing to listen to me talk about my interests, I am very social, but most of the time the things they talk about don't hold my interest and are boring. I feel terrible about that, but I can't make myself care."
•"In a group setting, i just sort of sit back and let other people do the talking. I don't really know how to get in there. I let people approach me, and I don't say much."
•“I don't have time for connection. I am totally burnt out after working all week, and I have nothing left to give socially.”
• “I want to connect with other people, but I have kids with high support needs. I can't just leave them to go out with friends. It's impossible to find babysitters that can handle my family."
•"I tend to overshare in social situations, and I have no idea why I go so deep so fast. It feels like trauma dumping. And that's where my closest relationships have always started from. Oh you were abused as a child? You want to talk about your eating disorder? You have trauma? Let's go there. Like right now."
•“I have no idea where the line of friendship and someone interested in something romantic is. People always tell me I am overly flirtatious, and I have no idea why.”
•"I only fit in when it's a Neurodivergent group of people. I don't want to talk about your baby. I don't even like babies. I don't want to get married, and I don't like talking about my job. Can we talk about something of substance? People are exhausting."
Sound familiar?
The good news is, there is nothing wrong with connecting the way it feels best for you. I love a group of people that want to “nerd out” about a shared interest. If you're looking for something new, consider some of these
• book club
•exercise class
•hiking group
•zoom call with other ND people
•facebook group
•professional training
•any kind of retreat
•tour (my favorite was the pizza history tour in NYC
•a class (art, music, creative pursuit, cooking etc)
•a date with someone you found on an online dating site or friendship site: you can literally request a friend or date with YOUR interests
And if you don't want to do ANY of that…how about we approach our own social needs with understanding. I've learned to say, “that's not really something I'm super interested in" to socializing that stresses me out. And when I do jump into a social scene that doesn't thrill me (for someone else), I let them know I'm stressing before we go. I am ok with asking for what I need, and I make sure we have a plan. This helps EVERYONE involved.
•"Can you do the talking tonight? this is a lot for me."
•"Can we limit this to 2 hours?"
•"Would you be cool with me driving separately? I may not stay the whole time."
•"I'd like to sit somewhere a little quieter so we're not in the middle of the action?"
•"Let's plan to meet them at a different restaurant, that one is really loud, and they don't have food I can eat."
•"Can we have a code word for I need to get out of here now?"
There is nothing wrong with accommodating yourself when you're out there trying to connect. It may be the missing piece to wanting to try something new. And if in-person connection isn't your jam, online connections are WAY easier.
Do you have any pro tips on connection? Email me or bring it up in your next session.
