In June I had the joy of participating in a panel at TGCW entitled, "Grounding Parenting in God's Grace to You and Your Kids." One of the things we talked about was that “grace” isn't withholding punishment, that's mercy. Grace is the gift of unmerited favor. It's all the icing we get on the cake of salvation. That analogy absolutely does not hold up, but you get the idea.

 

Parenting with grace means resting in God's unmerited favor towards us and communicating that unmerited favor to our kids. Now, I am not always happy with my kids' behavior, and it's really important that they know that in order to learn right and wrong and to cultivate wisdom. But it is also essential that they know that they do not fall out of favor with me when they fail. My love and my posture of being for them are always theirs. We have a little refrain to reinforce that concept (we've used it for a long time based on what my campus minister used to say to open our RUF large group gatherings), and I've since seen lots of other people use some variation of the same refrain, but I'm not sure if it's attributable to anyone). When my kids do something wrong, after addressing it, I'll ask them, “Is there any wrong/bad thing you could ever do that would make me love you less?" Or I might be more specific. “Is there any lie you could tell…?” etc. And after they respond with “no," as they've been told, I ask them, “Why do I love you?” And they know to say, “Because I'm your child.” Then I'll add, “And that's why God loves his children too, even better than mama.” 

 

But beyond being assured that they can't lose my love, I also want my kids to know that they can't earn it, since grace is, after all, unmerited favor. And so, we practice the reversal of the same liturgy when they do something that is excellent or praiseworthy. "“Is there any good/ right thing you could ever do that would make me love you more?" They know the answer, of course, is “No.” And after they say it, I ask them, “Why do I love you?” And they know to say, “Because I'm your child.”  “And that's why God loves his children too, even better than mama,” I'll add. I also use this Q and A after I praise them for something, whether it's how fast they are or how hard they work or even how handsome they are.

 

Recently, I've adopted a protective practice for the way I talk about my own successes and failures. When my husband comes home from work, I feel like a kindergartener who wants to share all the good coloring they did that day. I'm desperate for his approval and praise, to justify myself before him with a laundry list of accomplishments. I used to say, “I'm so proud of myself for not raising my voice today!” or maybe getting dinner on the table, or accomplishing everything on my to do list. But now, I replaced “I'm so proud of myself for…"  with, “I am so grateful that by God's enabling grace,…"

“I am so grateful that by God's enabling grace I didn't raise my voice at the kids today."

“I am so grateful that by God's enabling grace I got dinner ready on time and was able to include the kids in prep."

“I am so grateful that by God's enabling grace, I was able to think really clearly in that meeting."

“I am so grateful that by God's enabling grace, I got the draft done that I've been really stuck on,"

 

 Using this language reframes my successes and my failures. It delivers me from fragile pride that only produces pressure and turns it into praise that frees me from the fear of failure. 

 

Do you know, sister, that God's favor for you is unmerited?

 

His benediction over you, if you are in Christ, is “This is my daughter with whom I am well pleased.” Any bad is covered by him. Any good is attributable to him. To paraphrase Jack Miller, you can't be too good to be beyond the need for God's grace, and you can't be too bad to be beyond the reach of it. God loves you because you're his child. You don't have to justify yourself to receive that favor, you don't have to audition to earn it, and you don't have to achieve to keep it. You can rest in his unmerited favor. His banner over you is love.

 

And the thing is, the more we grasp that good news, the more natural holding it out to our kids will become.

 

 

with humble gratitude,

 

1. Checking the crab trap with my kids, and watching my oldest son throw the cast net. We recently cooked his spoils and discovered that he loves the sport of it more than the cuisine.

2. When I call my youngest son's name, he often tells me his name is not “Henry” but that it is “Scotty Scheffler.” He loves Scotty, and we do too, so I happily oblige end up calling him “Scotty” most of the time.

3. When my middle son catches my eyes from accross a room, he holds up his thumb and pointer and pinky finger, the hand signal for “I LOVE YOU.” This is the sweetest stage with him. He's so effusive and I am cherishing every interaction like that because I know it won't last forever.

 

Many of you have asked for the recording of the panel that I referenced above. Just as I finished the body for this newsletter, I learned that it was recorded! Hooray! (I think… I remember feeling glad that it wasn't being recorded? So hopefully it's not filled with things I regret sharing.) I was told it includes the really fun/ funny giveaway part at the beginning and the Q and As at the end. Would love to hear from you if you listen. 

 

You can listen at the link below:

 

This is something I've been saying a lot to my oldest. He's exactly where he should be developmentally, individuating from me and wanting more independence. This is great news, since the whole goal of parenting is to raise him up and send him out. However, I want him to see God's word and God's commands as a gift and a rubric against which he can test his own ideas. I want to honor him by not going into specifics. But I do want to clarify that this isn't said in a shaming tone. This is said with compassion and kindness. I am inviting him to see that God's commands are given with the intention of protecting us, that it might “go well with us.” I want him to find comfort and freedom within those good boundaries and guidelines. And this phrase is popping into my mind in moment's of temptation to gossip, to boast, to use anger to manipulate my kids, to do something out of selfish ambition… There's no idea that I have that's better than God's ideas for me and for my life.

 

The board books are now available for purchase as a SET! And even better than that, they will ALWAYS be 40% off when you purchase all of them together. Any new titles will be added and included in that offer.
 

A: In short, I don’t. Usually when I open the door I say, “Welcome to our home, we live here!” “Keeping” the house clean isn’t a realistic expectation for my season. But, I do try to make a habit of tidying. The refrain I use with myself is  “Tidy at transitions.” The refrain I use with my kids is “Clean Up before Moving On.” We hired someone to come periodically to do a deeper clean of our home. I want to help my boys cultivate the habit of tidying, so we have them clear their floors before bed. I want my desire for a clean home to be for concern for my family not control for myself. I find that the more I am delighting myself in the Lord, the less the mess bothers me.

 

A: "Love assumes the best." It's something that I repeat to myself in relationships, but it's a hard thought pattern to establish. I want my boys to take this posture towards one another, so I seek to cultivate it by attributing positive intent to little siblings. “Oh, he wants to play with you! But he doesn't quite understand how yet. Let's show him!" But it's also important to validate the feelings of the older child, and for them to see you as an advocate. While you may be able to explain the behavior of the baby, we don't need to excuse the action in a way that alienates the older child. I did this by addressing the baby too, even if they can't understand. “Destroying other peoples work isn't kind. We've got to be careful to ask before we do that. Let's say sorry.” I might also connect by relating.  “I feel frustrated when someone destroys my work or doesn't listen to me. I have to remind myself, ‘People are more important than things.’ and ask for God's help to be patient and kind in the way I react." I think it's also a kindness to keep the baby away from the older child at certain times of day so they have designated times that they can use certain materials without fear of what they're working with being wrecked.

 

A: 1.Devoting myself to prayer. 

2. Staying in the word.

3. Asking friends to pray and check in.

4. Asking my husband for wisdom and input.

5. Remembering that Christ is my righteousness, not my kids' behavior.

6. Repeating to myself, “God is at work. Within me, through me, and around me.”

7. Strategize to put myself and my kids in an environment that doesn't require my guidance and direction so that I can simply enjoy them.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for the crafting of the book proposals I was working on this past year. At TGCW and over the last two weeks, my agent and I have sat down with a handful of publishers who received the proposal for my adult trade book specifically. I was humbled to my core that these gifted editors at these specific publishing houses interacted with my proposal with such care and personal investment, let alone give us an hour of their time to talk about it. The way they experienced the sample chapters and the arc and structure of the proposal was a true answer to prayer. We had our last two meetings on July 16th, and now we wait. Lord willing, we will receive offers for the proposal. And so now, I'm praying for wisdom as to what the best fit for me and for this project might be. I'm excited to see how things play out, but for now, my heart is moved to praise at God's kindness to me and hopeful expectation for how he might use these ideas and these words

I love listening to my boys chat in the back seat. My middle turned to my oldest this week on a ride home and said, “I sure hope you're enjoying yourself, because you're not going to be a kid for much longer.”

“When we look at our identity through the lenses of saint, sinner, and sufferer, then our understanding of ourselves, our sin, and our circumstances will align with God's view, which is revealed in Scripture. As a result, we will become more secure in our standing before God, strengthened in our battle against indwelling sin, and steadfast in our suffering."

 

-Paul Tautges

 

 

 

I'll save my best work and thoughts for this list, but I'll still be posting on the gram. If we're not connected there, I'd love for you to come follow along! Just click one of these “lately” photos below!