I've been wanting to write for months. And I didn't know how. After the turbulence and the psychic earthquake that this 2024 is presenting me, I haven't found a moment of peace to make my newsletter, which for me is a precious space of communication with my community (ah, the guilt... hello again, friend ).
The challenges at work have demanded a lot of energy, and almost without realising it, very little by little, the stress was catching up with me, the tension was rising on my shoulders, and the ghosts of the past were reactivated with the muscle memory of old tensions and old wounds.
In the last few months I have not been able to take care of myself enough and my efforts to prioritise myself have not saved me from a great unbalance in my being. In January I had found a space of balance that I hadn't achieved in years, but ah, how ephemeral and fragile. The frustration towards "the outside" and towards everything that I blame in the system (work, social, capitalist, urban system) and in my family (also "outside") did not let me see the tools that I have inside of me and which I could have activiated (actually the only thing that is in my hands) to give myself an easier ride.
It's really hard to see, because the suffering is real.
What I was most afraid of was what I needed most: to let go. Releasing projects. "What what?" WTF WTF WTFFFF. "But my language projects are the closest thing to my soul!". "If I leave things that matter to me, I lose my only chance to change the world and contribute by planting my seed!". "If I leave projects, my frustration with the world that just doesn't allow me to have time to do my projects will grow!".
The head's voice did not shut up. The monkey is always there. No no no no nononono neinnnnn.
And letting go of resentments is another topic I could write pages and pages and personal journals about because it never ends…
And finally I let go:
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh
expiration
Relief - projects off, and a big burden off [but
welcome fear of the void, FOMO, regret, doubt whether it was the right decision]. I want to remind myself that
one thing does not take away the other: yes, I have responsibility for my life - I value myself, I listen to myself, I validate that I am doing everything I can, I do everything I know -, and
at the same time the society and the current system is the cause of many things that hurt me and that make us sick. What is happening around the world is horrible and it makes me very sad. We talked about it at the
Sacred Activism Gathering held in Montenegro in May with activists from all over Europe and from Palestine (some fight for peace, others to protect rivers and nature, others for LGTBI rights and for the indigenous right to land).
I want to share a phrase that has been on my mind lately. It's by James Baldwin, and it's slightly modified: in the original context it talks about being black in the United States (I don't want to reduce its symbolic weight), but here I use it to extrapolate it to the psychological challenge of living in this era - "to be relatively conscious is to be in a state of rage almost all the time".