In the depths of postpartum anxiety with Ivan I spent many nights repeating Psalm 23. I repeated it so many times that, in the months and years after, a sense of calm would steal over me every time I whispered those words.
These days, I'm saying it again. One of you sent me this song, which I added to the playlist on repeat around here. There's a line in the psalm that always sounded… odd. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He makes me? There's an element of force about it, at least in that translation. What could make a sheep lie down?
I'm reading A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 (it's as good as everyone says) and here's what he says about this line:
"The strange thing about sheep is that because of their very makeup it is almost impossible for them to be made to lie down unless four requirements are met. Owing to their timidity they refuse to lie down unless they are free of all fear. Because of the social behavior within a flock, sheep will not lie down unless they are free from friction with others of their kind. If tormented by flies or parasites, sheep will not lie down. Only when free of these pests can they relax. Lastly, sheep will not lie down as long as they feel in need of finding food. They must be free from hunger.
It is significant that to be at rest there must be a definite sense of freedom from fear, tension, aggravations, and hunger… only the sheepman himself can provide release from these anxieties."
When I look out my living room window, all I see is green pastures. Literal, green pastures. Farmer Bob's fields roll away in “amber waves of grain”, under which lies a rich, green layer of grass. He cuts the hay, leaves it to dry, then buttons it up like a row of cinnamon rolls. The round bales dot the field of green and I look at it every day of summer.
Here, at our farm, I have green pastures. I have a lovely family, a beautiful home, a place to land. We've worked hard to make it a place of safety and joy. And God has blessed those efforts. So why, if I have the green pastures – why do I not lie down?
It dawned on me in my prayer time. For three days in a row I read a passage that pointed out my struggle to let go of the anxieties of fear, social obligation, friction, health, or provision - all the things the author of A Shepherd named. Plagued by all of them, some at once or all at once, how do I experience God's peace? This work I am called to do, this path He's leading me down – it feels like too much for me.
What is wrong with my body? Why do we keep losing babies?
There's another conflict to manage – you need to contact the team.
Did you resolve the question in that relationship?
Will we have what we need?
Will my children be okay after all that has occurred?
Only the Shepherd Himself can provide release from these anxieties. Only a consistent exposure to His presence will grant freedom to lie down in green pastures.
And so each day, every day, especially in seasons like these, I hand over whatever fear, conflict, question, or lack I have to One who lacks nothing. This Shepherd never fails. When my eyes are fixed on His provision, I do not need to fear the lying down – as if I will be caught off guard, unable to protect myself. This is why the psalmist said, “your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. If I am lying down, at rest, I need a guard at my right hand.
That guard is the Living God. And when some pain filters through, as it has for us, I can know that He did not permit it because He wished me evil or because He was asleep on the watch, but because He knows something I do not. I am, as Oswald Chambers says, invited to a deeper trust in the darkness. I am invited to lie down, to stop pacing and wandering and controlling what is beyond my control, and truly say: I lack nothing.
What I'm Reading
I'm juggling a variety of books at the moment - my favorite way to read! I'm still working through the list of classics I hoped to read in 2024.
Frankenstein: Josh bought this for my birthday after I enjoyed Dracula so much. It's a harder read than Dracula, but it's almost a century older. I think I enjoyed Dracula more because it felt other-worldly; Frankenstein feels very… planted in the real world. Reading it breaks my heart! I find myself dreading who in Frankenstein's family will die next.
Mansfield Park: This is a re-read for me, but I am loving it - especially the beautiful editions I'm reading (I love vintage books and a friend bought me a set from the 1890s!).
Walden by Thoreau: I've never read this before, but it is quoted in so many of the books I read I knew I needed to read it for myself. He's a bit pompous at times and very removed from the realities of family life (he's a single man building a cabin in the woods) but I love his reflections on nature and society.
Still reading… A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, Raising Worry-Free Girls, Parenting Toward the Kingdom, A Severe Mercy.
Rereading…Hope for Your Homeschool by September McCarthy. This is new! A must read for homeschoolers.
What's Bringing Me Joy
A visit from our friends in ministry, the Aikens: You might know Mo Isom Aiken and her family from 5th Wheel Missions, which is rapidly coming to a close for their family. On their way through Michigan they stayed a few days at the farm and it was SUCH a sweet time. Our kids played all day, we had worship with our friends Zack and Kim on the patio (you may know Kim from Verity Conference!) and a precious time in the Lord together.
Vintage book JOY on Facebook Marketplace: Half a set of vintage 1940s Nancy Drews and almost the entire set of vintage 1940s Hardy Boy books… for $2 a book! On top of this, I grabbed the Horatio Hornblower series, Robin Hood, King Arthur and The Knights of the Round Table, Just So Stories and a 1917 edition of Anne of the Island… all for $1 a book. To say I was overjoyed is an understatement. Vintage books are my love language!
Banana Bread Lattes: I did a little research and mastered a Nespresso latte. I use KYYA brand syrups, and for this latte I do about ½ TB Banana syrup and ½ TB Cinnabun. The key is to foam the milk only lightly since the Nespresso is puffy on its own! It is delicious!
Morning prayer time: Though I keep a habit of reading and prayer each morning, I wanted to go deeper in my prayer time. I'm following a more structured prayer time in which I pray through a passage of Scripture slowly for about 30 minutes, separate from my bible study time. This has been a sweet practice in this season of trust. (If you struggle with where to start with prayer, try this booklet in our shop)
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