Waiting and wondering defined the last little over month of my life.

There was the big overarching wait to discover something that would affect the next several years of my life. But there were also several instances of micro waits:

Waiting for a meeting. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for feedback. Waiting for clarity. 

And in the waiting, I felt anxious. Sometimes it was positive anxiety. I looked forward to the next step or the next bit of news. Sometimes if was negative anxiety. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I am rejected? 

Anxiety (even positive anxiety) begs for action. 

It's a form of impatience. My heart wanted to press fast forward during the last month over and over. Impatience is us grappling for control, because we forget that God is the one who has it. 

Waiting is uncomfortable because it exposes our humanity.

 

Waiting highlights that we are not omniscient. We don't know the future.

 Waiting highlights the reality that we are not all-powerful. 

We can't speed up time. 

We can't determine or manipulate the outcome. 

Waiting also exposes our dissatisfaction and reveals our idols. 

Like a toddler who wants what he wants when he wants it, we can find ourselves throwing a bit of a fit, albeit internally, for the thing that's captured our affection—the thing we think we believe will make us happy.

 

God is all knowing. He's already aware of exactly how it all shakes out. He is all powerful. He controls (and even lovingly ordains) the outcome. And he doesn't have a single impure motive. He's completely satisfied in himself. Completely for us. And in our waiting, he invites us to rest in who he is and experience that same satisfaction. Instead of scrambling for the remote to let our itchy little fingers press fast-forward. He presses pause and tells lets us sit there for long enough to get comfortable with the fact that he holds the remote and that's actually really good news.

 

Ironically, though waiting by definition is a season in which it feels like nothing is happening, my seasons of waiting have been some of the speediest instances of sanctification in my life. Those seasons are super exposing. And they're super disarming. And that's a fabulous circumstantial environment to become more like Christ by depending more on the Father.

 

I listened to a podcast recently where Mark Vroegrop revealed that the Hebrew word for waiting is less negative than we would think of it. It actually has the connotation of hoping… not in the thing to come, but in the Lord. This thought transformed how I experienced this particular season of waiting. Over and over as I was tempted to think of learning what was next as salvific, the Spirit would issue the invitation: 

 

Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord! 

(Psalm 27:14)

 

Again and again I was invited to be patient and to place my trust, confidence, and hope in the Lord and not in my own understanding or abilities. The beauty of waiting is that our lack of knowledge and control within it takes those options away. And so my prayer on repeat became:

 

“God, I don't know what's next, but you do. Father, I can't determine the outcome of this, but nothing is outside of your control. Thank you, Lord, that you are working for my good. Thank you for being trustworthy. Help me, by the power of your Spirit, to rest in your care and control. And make my greatest longing concerning my future the desire for your return."

 

I also prayed lots of prayers for wisdom and guidance and clarity (yes, because I wanted to be right, but also, in humble acknowledgement that I lacked those things and God has them). And he was abudantly kind, and honestly sort of surprising. But I can see how, through the way he revealed information he just a little at a time and the conversations he ordained at certain points in the process, that the fruition of what I was waiting for wasn't really the point. As with everything, his will for me in Christ Jesus was ultimately my sanctification—to become more like him. And that's the ultimate destination of this train: an eternity with him where we will behold him in all his glory and be like him, fully satisfied in him. I'm on to waiting for something else now, but ultimately, I am hoping in him more than any outcome, because of my confidence in that very certain ultimate outcome.

 

 

with humble gratitude,

1. Reading The Boxcar Children and The Hardy Boys to my oldest. He gets impatient with his own pace of reading when he's close to the end of the chapter or the book and will come and find me or David to ask us to finish it for him. I'm treasuring that. He also brought it to me recently when he was anxious about something else and asked me to read to him. I'm so thankful to be in a season that I can. His little brothers are at an age where that's possible now and I'm so glad to have the time.

2.  For years, getting up before my kids felt nearly impossible. I've been asking the Lord to make time for me to write, and every morning he's been opening my eyes at 4:45am. I come out to the leather sofa on our sunporch and read the Bible and pray while it's still dark. Then I open my laptop and write as the sun comes up. I go to bed looking forward to this time. It has been a wonderful gift of solitude and time to accomplish what he's called me to. I'm having to go to bed super early now. But it's way worth it.

3. This is a little crass, but I'm so delighted by the giggle toots in this house lately. With alarming frequency, my kids toot while they're in a fit of laughter. It's such a simple joy for me right now.

This is a question directly linked to Mark 12:30-31, where Jesus says that the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. And Matthew 7:12, where Jesus says that whatever we wish that others would do to us, we should do also to them. This is one of our most commonly asked questions here in the Wedgeworth house. 

 

I'll often say, “I'm not going to force you to do it, I'm just asking you to consider it.” I've found that it's easier to consider what the right thing is when we separate it from the cost of obedience. Once it's clear, once the glory of righteousness shines, the cost seems smaller, and obedience seems like the only choice. In fact, once we really stop to consider what the right thing is, I've found that the cost of not doing it feels far greater than whatever would be gained by disregarding it.

 

 We found ourselves in a stalemate recently between two brothers. I asked them this at that impass, one at a time, “What would you want your brother to do… if you were him and he was you? I'm not going to force either of you to do it, I'm just asking you to answer honestly.” Both of them answered, both of them yielded, and they decided on their own to settle it with a best-of-three round of rock, paper, scissors. I'm less concerned with forcing them to do what is right, than fostering their ability to discern what is right. My prayer is that, as often as I have to ask this question (which is a LOT), it will be etched on their hearts. My prayer is that God would bring it to mind in their friendships, marriages, work places, and parenting for their rest of their lives, because their mama held the Word of God out to them and asked them over and over and over.

 

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R: I'm always wary of alienating non-homeschool families and do not want to be a homeschooling account! But SO many of you asked about this this time. So I thought I'd address it! The primary reason is that I really wanted to educate our kids classically. My sister taught at a classical school and now runs one, and I really love the classical model. I like that they'll never cram for a test, but they'll be filled with knowledge. And by the time they graduate, they'll be able to free hand a map of the entire world with countries and capitals and major landmarks and bodies of water— without ever stressing about it. I also think the art of rhetoric and dialectic will help them engage culture and share the gospel in a way that is both dignifying and winsome.
 The second reason is movement and time. I have all boys. They're active and love nature. I'm really keen to help them explore the natural world as much as possible, to be able to move their bodies as much as possible, and to learn about things as experientially as possible. Beyond time to be outside, I want them to have the time it takes to be curiosity driven learners who investigate their questions through research. And, I want them to have time to pursue their passions and interests. 

Third: our family schedule. My husband is a realtor. He's got to be available when his clients are. He works a lot with a sort of erratic schedule and we wanted our kids to be able to see him as much as possible when he was available.

*Note: these are my reasons. And this is what works for our family. Every choice has benefits and sacrifices. There's gospel freedom here for you and for me to make different choices. Me sharing mine doesn't mean I think yours is wrong or mine is better.

 

R:  This is a super relevant question for me right now. Last night was my third solo bedtime in a row this week. I've been thinking a lot about how to honor God during this block of time with my boys. They get really silly and really wound up close to the time it's time to go to sleep. It's been helpful to me lately to separate them for baths and showers. I also am learning to lean into creativity and play more than authoritative commands, which only seem to add to the chaos or escalate disregulation. Physical contact through wrestling or bear hugging seems to help too. It may sound dramatic or over-spiritualized, but because my anxiety ramps up in anticipation of this hour window, I have been praying while they're bathing/ showering that God would give me creativity and thwart my desire for control with my desire to love. I ask him to help me to see them as souls to love and shepherd instead of enemies to subdue or problems to be solved.

Once they're in their beds… it's the most peaceful, wonderful time. I read books with the little two (who share a room). I snuggle them and sing to them and pray with them. Then I go to my oldest, who recently moved from sharing to having his own room. We read some of whatever chapter book he's reading (that's what he does while I put the other two down) and then we talk and pray together. I TREASURE this time with him because he's so snuggly and chatty. So, repair can always take place during the snuggle time if it needs to… but I'm finding there's less and less need for that as I begin bedtime conscious of the spiritual battle that's raging and determine with Godly resolution and a posture of dependence to respond from a spirit-led place rather than a flesh-motivated place. Visualizing that ahead of time, imagining what bedtime will look like if I take that position and ask him for help to maintain that posture, really helps.

 

R: I try to live my life by these words from Elyse Fitzpatrick: 

"Live your life transparently so other women will see that Jesus loves the weak, the weary, the wounded, and the sinner, and perhaps they, too will be emboldened to stop faking it."

The women in my church might think that I am wise, but they know that I am needy. They might see my gift of teaching, but they know that I am in need of the message of grace as much as they are. If I'm teaching, discipling, or leading, the women I'm in front of know that I am not lording over them… I'm walking right beside them. The only thing that's really different I think is that my relationship net is cast a little wider… so I have to be really intentional to have closer, deeper, more mutually committed relationships.

For one hour this month, I sat down this month and thought through our weekly rhythms this fall. I considered what I needed to do (laundry, exercise, showering, schooling,…) and mapped out when I would do it. Then, I thought through what the days feel like… when are we rushing out the door near snack time? when are we coming in the house close to a meal time? I determined what meals and snacks would work when (crock pot meals for those rushed dinners, grab and go breakfasts for those tighter timed mornings). I made a list of three breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner options for each day. This little bit of intentionality on the front in serves my brain and my family so well by eliminating stress, rushed feelings, and conserving the energy it takes to make choices.

 

Homeschooling affords us wonderful flexibility. But it can also get a little sticky. The reality that “every day will be different” was sending me into a slight panic. So, I took a half hour or so to type out and print schedules for each day (and the alternative to that day…. like "here's what Wednesday looks like when we have co-op and here's what Wednesday looks like when we don't."). I'll laminate these and put them on a metal ring and display the day for myself and for the boys. This will protect me from forgetting things that need to be done or missing the window to accomplish what should be prioritized (like, say, I don't know, my kids' education).

 

I shared a bit about this on instagram and you all asked for the template for my meal planning template. I'm pretty sure it's filled with typos, but you can tweak it to suit your needs. The key for me here is that I don't need a recipe for anything! It's relatively mindless, which frees me up to give my care and attention to the people in my home! Y'all also asked me to reshape the laundry template from a few newsletters ago, so here's that. It helps a ton that the big boys do their laundry on days we're home more since they fatigue easily, and to make Saturday a non-essential day since we aren't here a lot. A little bit of intentionality on the front end can reap dividends in your daily life!

“You introduce Romans 8 to every corner of the room, every dark place in your heart, as often as you can, as much as you can, as fiercely as you can. Every day. It has to happen every day. Because what's wrong with you and me is that we're still on this side of glory, and so long as we're on this side of glory, there will always be more sanctifying to go through.”

 

-Jared C. Wilson

 

 

 

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