I recently had a friend ask me for support with her experience in her new job as a personal assistant.

 

She told me that despite the new job being flexible, providing an ideal amount of structure, solo time, and pay, she keeps shrinking around her boss.

 

Not taking breaks as she needs, sitting uncomfortably, and simply not being herself.

 

As I tuned into her situation, feeling in my body how it may feel to be in her body, the intuitive question that arose was:

 

Her answer was yes.

 

And my response was some version of:

 

 

This assertion resonated with her, and we continued to unpack it specific to her situation.

 

The workplace is a more obvious environment for us to illuminate this kind of dynamic, because it is commonly understood as a hierarchical arena of relationship.

 

 

 

If you find yourself getting smaller inside a relationship dynamic of any kind (workplace, romantic, or other),

 

Ask yourself if you are the naturally bigger, more dominant energy yet you are inhabiting a role that is hierarchically lower.

 

If your answer is yes, it’s likely you are destabilizing yourself to maintain an inorganic power dynamic.

 

 

For example, if you are a woman you most likely want to experience your man as more dominant than you.

 

Yet if you instinctually sense that you are the bigger energy, you’ll unconsciously destabilize yourself to maintain the desired hierarchy, despite it being inorganic.

 

And then wonder why you’re not feeling fully expressed in your relationship…

 

 

If you work for someone whom you are naturally more dominant than, you’ll unconsciously destabilize yourself so as not to disrupt the explicit power dynamic.

 

And then wonder why you feel small, compressed, & tired inside a role that would otherwise energize you…

 

 

If you are in a leadership position but you overly defer to someone you are meant to be leading because you’re afraid to own your “big-ness,”

 

Or you’re uncomfortable with hierarchy and think we can all just be equal,

 

While you may think you’re being kind, you’re creating confusion & less safety at a deeper level for the person who is relying on your leadership.

 

 

Destabilizing oneself to “keep the peace” is obviously an unpleasant experience yet it is common because disrupting the explicit hierarchy might mean risking job or relational security.

 

Hierarchy is inherent in all relating. And at the deeper unconscious level, we all desire to experience rightful hierarchical placement.

 

 

 

Several days after our conversation, my friend messaged me saying:

 

 

 

So here we can see that her own self-awareness & courage to inhabit her fullness actually invited him to rise into the leadership position that feels best to her, too.

 

While in some cases, choosing your fullness may reveal that the relationship dynamic is not a fit, we often prevent ourselves from ever experiencing the rightness of a relationship because we'd rather not risk disruption to begin with.

 

If you aren't willing to take the risk of the relationship dissolving because of your big-ness, you actually guarantee its dissolution because one can only tolerate “playing small” for so long…

 

 

When a power structure is inorganic, the individuals within it will eventually seek their full & rightful expression, revealing the disharmony that was artificially concealed for some time,

 

 

Can you identify the relationships where this is occurring in your life, in service of recognizing what may be unconsciously contributing to instability in you?

 

Of course, the deeper work then becomes identifying what is at play within you that has you choose or co-create a relationship dynamic with an inverted power structure.

 

 

I have found that one reason I will “play small” as a leader is because I have unconsciously rejected or feared a particular range of expression in myself.

 

This especially includes shadow ranges of expression like the ability to manipulate, be a bitch, or intentionally destabilize others.

 

We cannot inhabit our “biggest” selves by embracing only some ranges of power & influence while rejecting others…

 

At least not without unconsciously attracting & evoking those same shadow expressions from the individuals around us.

 

Having access to the full range of expression doesn't necessarily mean you express that full range. It just means that you have the ability to.

 

And having access to full range, including the shadow ranges, is what supports the stability in you to be as naturally “big” as you are.

 

 

🔑 Those spots are the keys to unlocking greater stability while you inhabit your full “size” & power!

 

 

Talk soon,

Courtney

 

P.S. You can read my other recent value-packed emails for free here.

 

P.P.S. To apply to work with me 1-1, go here.