Dear friend,

 

I remember the day the chains broke on my p*rnography addiction. Erotica addiction, actually - the books with the graphic scenes. I knew they were wrong but I was a victim to my own unstable will. My desires were misdirected, my affections twisted by years of consuming content full of lies. I made lists, I checked boxes, I marked the calendar, trying to stop consuming this content. But inevitably, over and over again, I failed.

 

Shaming myself wasn't motivating holiness. I knew without a doubt my habit was wrong. I also knew it was shaping my view of men, sex, romance, and myself in negative ways. But when temptation came, I didn't have the ability (I thought) to stop myself, and I would fall back into old patterns, waking up the next day full of even more shame, sure God wanted nothing to do with me. I would wait a few days before repenting, thinking by then God wouldn't mind me shrinking into His throne room as much.

 

My entire relationship with God, though real and alive, was predicated on His anger toward me. I knew He hated sin – and that meant He probably hated me, too. At least, He hated me when I sinned. When I repented, He went back to loving me. My cycle of sin-repent-behave-sin continued, and little did I know it was all because of my view of God's character – and my view of myself.

 

I remember the day I was set free. I don't remember the year. I don't know how old I was. But I know I read a passage in a book (can't even recall which one, exactly) that broke through my wayward thinking and showed me the way home. The author wrote that behavior - holy or sinful - never stands alone. It proceeds from identity. Who I am at my core dictates how I live. If I am a sinner, then I will keep sinning; that's who I am. But if I am a saint, a set-apart-one, then I will live in the righteousness Christ gave me.

 

This knocked my socks off. I knew the Scriptures. Could they be saying that “porn addict” was not my identity? I'd always assumed it was. After all, that's what I did, so that's who I was. But no – the scandal of grace, the incredible shock of the gospel is this: through Christ, I am not what I do. Through Christ, I inherit what I do not deserve. 

Freedom – which the Bible defines as the ability to choose the better, higher, truer life – came to me through the gospel's battle cry. The gospel, with its unfairly-free offer of hope, gave me the power to overcome what I could not conquer. Freedom was hearing I was not defined by what I had done, but that I was instead defined by Christ's sacrifice. Freedom was finding that p*rn had a lessening appeal in light of His grace.

 

I looked at the books I'd been reading and whispered: I am a saint. Suddenly their cute, colorful covers were exposed for the empty, twisted lie they were, and my desires shifted. I am saint, and saints don't read p*rn. 

 

I'm no longer drawn to those things like I was a twelve years ago. But there are other things I must discern. There are other habits, sinful patterns, and behaviors God wants to sanctify. But after over a decade of knowing this identity, I am far quicker to recognize His voice. I can tell now when I am shaming myself out of a behavior instead of trusting the grace of Jesus. Identity precedes behavior change. 

 

As I was praying recently the Lord revealed an area of my heart that was defaulting to shame: Constant accusation, condemnation, and negativity roiled in my mind. It seemed true, because I was indeed struggling with those behaviors. The thoughts told me that my behaviors were my identity. I began to believe them. 

 

There is a scene in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (extended edition) in which Saruman, the white wizard turned to darkness, stands trapped at the top of Isengard (his tower). He is defeated, surrounded on all sides by water and ruin. But he there he stands, hurling insults and targeted attacks at Gandalf, Theoden, and Aragorn, the victors. Each of his condemnations are designed to cut to the heart of the person he attacks: to diminish them, to make them doubt their abilities, lineage, and victory.

 

Satan is like Saruman. He is defeated. But he does not stop hurling insults and condemnation, and these words are designed to make us doubt our abilities, our lineage, and our victory. He wants us to think we aren't worthy of our position and that we can't possibly overcome. Only those who have a clear sense of identity, grounded in the absolute truth of the gospel, can withstand his attacks. In these moments, I love what 1 John tells us:

 

“Whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows all things.” 1 John 3:20

 

God is greater than the lies of our own hearts or the lies of the Enemy. He is the one who won the victory, and we get to participate in it when we accept the overcoming power of our King. His power is made perfect in our weakness. Yes, we don't deserve it. But God saw fit to give us this heritage, this inheritance, this adoption – and how dare the Enemy try to take that away! By accepting the power of the gospel for my life, soul and body, I am freed from bondage to what I have done – and who the Son sets free, is free indeed.

 

What's the Deal with Wicca? by Steve Russo: I got this secondhand and actually know very little about the author, but it's been very informative and helpful as we await Jeremy Jenkins' latest book in our apologetics series on this topic! As someone who lives in an area with a rising practicing Wiccan population, I think everyone should read up on this worldview.

 

Consider This by Karen Glass: This book discusses the connection between classical and Charlotte Mason philosophies of education and how they fit together.

 

Tennyson's Poems: Still reading this at bedtime alongside Dante's Inferno. 

 

Daughters of Olympus by Hannah Lynn: I'm starting this one this week. Josh got it for me as part of a book subscription so I know nothing about it except that it stays true to the actual Greek myths on which it is based - which is what I prefer in a mythological adaptation!

 

Mere Motherhood by Cindy Rollins: Almost done with this one and will be discussing with my mom after I finish!

 

I am of course still reading some of the books from last week too – parenting books are a pick up/put down read for me. 

A round up of things to be aware of in Every Woman a Theologian's community!

 

The Fall Collection launches September 12th! Historically the fall collection is our biggest shop launch of the year. This time we are releasing many amazing resources and products – including the new Galatians study, our beautiful new book on suffering and chronic illness, Hold Hope, an ethically made bible study basket with leather handles, a new nontoxic candle set and more. Stay tuned!

 

Our YouTube channel has surpassed 2,000 subscribers! I am not, myself, a YouTube person, so this is hard for me to fully understand (and create) but thanks to Joseph, Zack and Josh, we are gaining viewers on YouTube after only a month of videos!

 

Verity Conference tickets are now in their third tier of sales and we are quickly booking up! I am so excited to see you in person at this once a year event. As I have cut back speaking engagements around the nation to focus on Verity, we have seen great fruit from building this close knit community of life-long Bible learners who want to go deep. If you are local to Northern Michigan, respond to this email for the local ticket code. 

 

Verity Local is our online streaming option for the conference! We are working hard to train our Local hosts (for free!) to help you disciple through the sessions and make this more than a one-time event. If you are hoping to become a local location (church or home!) and want swag bags, register by August 31 so we have time to send them!