Dear friend,

 

Yesterday I sat in the waiting room of a new hospital wing. We were on the way home from homeschool co-op so both my girls were sat beside me, one dancing in front of the fireplace flames, the other checking her FitBit for steps. When I was called back, they watched the phlebotomist draw tubes of blood and later as we walked into the brilliant September sunshine, turned their little faces toward mine to ask: “Will this tell you what is wrong with your body?”

 

 

Today is Ivan's fourth birthday. As we flipped monster truck pancakes for his birthday breakfast, my middle daughter turned to me. “Will there only ever be three of us?” And as my oldest made Mac n' cheese for lunch she also turned, of her own accord, to query the same: “Is Ivan your last baby?”

 

There is a difficulty and a sweetness to walking a road like this alongside older children. They are old enough to have questions; questions I don't have the answer to. They are old enough to feel the pain, to wonder why, and to wrestle with God over the yes's and no's. In some ways I want to protect them. I wonder what the long-term impact will be, telling them so young. But in another sense I am glad they get to walk this road alongside us, learning a theology of suffering that will stay with them all their lives.

 

Because this infertility (going on two years now) is secondary, or tertiary, I sometimes feel like I have no place to speak about it. I have three children. There are many women who have none. But my gratitude for living children does not negate the grief of losing two, nor does it negate the grief of a sudden and surprising shift in my circumstances: we used to get pregnant easily. Now we do not and may never do so again. My world has shifted, my path has changed, and my heart has to catch up with it. 

 

I spoke with a friend this morning who has walked a similar road. I told her this, and it's true: The last two-ish years have given me access to a different angle of human experience. It's not that I didn't have compassion, because I did – we don't have to experience something to have compassion on those who have. But by being immersed (even just a little) in this world of infertility and miscarriage, I am given a deeper understanding of the spiritual, theological and emotional aspects of suffering. I have been shocked at what people say to women who can't have babies, especially when they have a few already. I have been angered and appalled at the prosperity gospel teachings hurled my direction – me, who believes in healing, who prays boldly, yet has suffered with chronic illness and lost two children I prayed for! Jesus always healed those who came to Him, they say in my DMs. What is inferred: It follows that, if your prayers weren't answered, the problem is you.

Yesterday on Ask Anything Monday, someone asked my thoughts on faith vs. action in infertility: detoxing, doing labs, all the things I am doing now (and she probably is as well). 

 

Faith and action are not opposites. Abraham had faith in God and then stepped out and left his city because of it. But his faith was in GOD, not in the promised son Isaac. When Abraham and Sarah focused on getting GOd's promise versus walking in step with God Himself, they sinned against God and Hagar by doing things their way (Genesis 16).

 

The difference is that God-led actions are based on faith from Him; they proceed from His Spirit and His ethic. Faith is not in what He gives, but in Him. His person, not His hand. This is the error of the charismatic church (which I love dearly and grew up in): They often fall into the trap of faith for THINGS; faith for an object or change or breakthrough, rather than faith in God's sovereign will and Person. 

 

I am not promised another baby. I may only have three earthly children and two in heaven for the rest of my life. But I am also taking the next Spirit-led step of following God's wisdom to determine what is wrong with my body and how to support it, so I can better serve my family and my team. If, out of that, we have another living baby – I will be overjoyed. But I am not doing this, or following God, to get something from Him. He is not my servant. I am His.

 

God owes me nothing. And He has given me everything in Himself.

 

This broken world includes pain because love required the power of contrary choice. My body is broken in this broken world, but it is my God who has redeemed and carried me. Where else would I go? The words of life belong to Him. (John 6:68)

 

He knew what I would walk through, but He did not cause it. He did not take my babies or predestine me to pain. He is sovereign and He is loving. He rescues me in the midst of trials and reveals His comfort and love to me. I see the hope because I believe Him, and because I believe Him, I have hope. This faith of mine is not faith for a baby, or faith for healing, though I believe God could give both; I pray and ask Him for these things because I know He is good and He does good, and if the best good and glory would come from healing, that is what He will give. But if there is a greater eternal purpose, a greater heavenly healing, that He is after, I trust Him to give me what is best. One day I will stand before Him to see the tapestry turned around, beholding with all the saints the unseen threads of my life and the purpose in my pain.

 

I have faith and I have hope, but my hope is not in a dream fulfilled – I do not have that promise. And yet there is a promise I hold onto, the kind you can stake your life on: 

 

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lam. 3:22-23)

P.S. As I was writing this email in the dining room, I read it aloud to myself to wrap up.

 

A little grace. 

What's the Deal with Wicca? by Steve Russo: I got this secondhand and actually know very little about the author, but it's been very informative and helpful as we await Jeremy Jenkins' latest book in our apologetics series on this topic! As someone who lives in an area with a rising practicing Wiccan population, I think everyone should read up on this worldview.

 

Consider This by Karen Glass: This book discusses the connection between classical and Charlotte Mason philosophies of education and how they fit together.

 

Tennyson's Poems: Still reading this at bedtime alongside Dante's Inferno. 

 

Daughters of Olympus by Hannah Lynn: I'm starting this one this week. Josh got it for me as part of a book subscription so I know nothing about it except that it stays true to the actual Greek myths on which it is based - which is what I prefer in a mythological adaptation!

 

Mere Motherhood by Cindy Rollins: Almost done with this one and will be discussing with my mom after I finish!

 

I am of course still reading some of the books from last week too – parenting books are a pick up/put down read for me. 

The Fall Collection launches September 12th! Historically the fall collection is our biggest shop launch of the year. This time we are releasing many amazing resources and products – including the new Galatians study, our beautiful new book on suffering and chronic illness, Hold Hope, an ethically made bible study basket with leather handles, a new nontoxic candle set and more. 

 

Our new Not-So-Quiet-Time Guide on John releases in this shop as well! (above) This new style of study is for those with minimal time who want to read deeply and diversely in the text; it utilizes classical art, poetry, music, and memorization and would be great for anyone interested in going through John in a new way. Coming 9/12

 

Our YouTube channel has surpassed 2,000 subscribers! I am not, myself, a YouTube person, so this is hard for me to fully understand (and create) but thanks to Joseph, Zack and Josh, we are gaining viewers on YouTube after only a month of videos!

 

Verity Conference tickets are now in their third tier of sales and we are quickly booking up! I am so excited to see you in person at this once a year event. As I have cut back speaking engagements around the nation to focus on Verity, we have seen great fruit from building this close knit community of life-long Bible learners who want to go deep. If you are local to Northern Michigan, respond to this email for the local ticket code. 

 

Verity Local is our online streaming option for the conference! We are working hard to train our Local hosts (for free!) to help you disciple through the sessions and make this more than a one-time event. If you are hoping to become a local location (church or home!) and want swag bags, register by August 31 so we have time to send them!