Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12
Light flickered through the maple leaves, casting a net of shadows on the forest floor. All I could hear was my own footsteps and my own heartbeat. It was hard to distinguish between the thumps. I kept looking up, trying to feel something. Nothing.
I got up early and lit a candle. I sat with a blanket, coffee and my Bible spread out. Perpetua, our cat, jumped up beside me and I gazed around our quiet living room, so peaceful, so pristine. I tried to feel something. Nothing.
It happened slowly, but also quickly, the combination of deteriorating health, the two miscarriages, the stress on our children, and the weight of ministry. What on earth is WRONG with me, I kept thinking. Why can't I handle my own life? The things that used to bring me joy felt like work. I began to resent the emails and messages I used to delight to answer. Tired. Tired all the time.
There was more to it than spiritual exhaustion. The labs came back from the doctor: Progesterone levels so low, it's a miracle I could get pregnant at all. “This explains the losses,” my doctor says pragmatically. “Progesterone supplementation is the next step.” Yes, I knew that would be the answer.
“But I am allergic to my own progesterone,”I reply like my voice is in a tunnel, like I'm repeating myself (because I am). “Last time I did this, my body broke out in hives again… can we adjust the dose?”
I leave the office tired, not just because my body is physically failing but tired of jamming doctor appointments into a day I wanted to spend with my children; tired of living a beautiful, good, blessed life but not feeling the joy of it. I clutch the steering wheel with tear-filled eyes and breathe my prayer: Restore to me the joy of my salvation.
This famous verse is taken from Psalm 51, the repentance psalm David uttered after his grievous sin against Uriah and Bathsheba. Caught in lust, murder, and hypocrisy, David cries out to God for forgiveness after a confrontation with Nathan the prophet (2 Sam. 11). This psalm is the transcript of David's broken heart, a cry for help and restoration.
In the middle of the psalm, David says: “Restore to me the joy of my salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.” The word for “willing” can also mean generous, willing, noble or free (Strong's: H5081). At first glance it's hard to discern what verse 12b is talking about; who is the object of the “willing spirit”: God, or David? In my quest to understand this, I looked at Psalm 51 in eight different translations. With one exception, translators treated this verse as if the “willing spirit” belonged to David, but was granted to Him by God.
How does a “willing spirit” uphold us? How can it restore our joy? This phrase, willing-hearted, is found elsewhere in Scripture. It occurs several times in the Old Testament in regard to offerings. People brought their gifts to God “with a willing spirit”, out of the abundance of their hearts. Their hearts were bent toward God, toward loving and adoring Him. In this humility there was nobility.
In a waiting room, or waiting room of life, we feel rootless; the last thing we feel is “upheld”. The joy of the Lord feels as absent as our strength. We begin to attribute our own emotions to God's character, blaming Him, calling Him absent, assuming His silence means He is not there. But He has not changed, and He has not left. As Oswald Chambers says this:
“Has God trusted you with His silence— a silence that has great meaning? God’s silences are actually His answers. Just think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything comparable to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking Him for a visible answer?… His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes.” (My Utmost for His Highest, God's Silence - Then What?)
This quote is one I return to on those days when joy seems far-off. He trusts me with the silence, I think, taking one step further up the trail. He is bringing me into His purpose.
And I keep asking: Restore my joy. Open my eyes to the goodness here! Show me all the ways you love me, if I will only acknowledge them. Then I look at all the little things, the lacing of red on trees begging for fall, the lap of the waves on Lake Michigan's shore, the laugh of my son as he swings in the hammock, the sparkle of gold in my daughter's green eyes. All this, for me, from You.
In this faithful, expectant looking, I am bent more and more toward God. In bending and adoring, I find myself willing; I find myself free. And then I find myself upheld.
Your joy can be restored, my friend, but no joy is found in drifting away from God. It is found in returning to Him, choosing faith before you feel it and choosing obedience before provision. Choosing, day in and day out, to take Him personally in the ways He has already loved you – as you wait on the love that is yet to come.
Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Psalm 51:12, MSG
A note about my health:
Because I know people might ask, or email, and because I know many of you are also on this road, I thought I would share what I am doing physically alongside what I mentioned above. This is my* journey, every woman is different!
I have two autoimmune conditions: Pemphigoid Gestationis, in which I have reactions to spikes in estrogen; and Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis, in which I react to progesterone (my own, bioidentical, or synthetic). This means that, while my body is low in progesterone and cannot maintain a pregnancy, I am also allergic to any progesterone it creates.
I am passionate about addressing the underlying cause of health issues versus treating the symptoms, and over the almost nine years I have had this AI condition I have learned a lot along the way. Though I told the story (above) of progesterone supplementation, which we will be trying again, I am supplementing with a diet that is low on sugar, gluten, caffeine and alcohol, all of which can increase inflammation and make AI conditions worse. I eat a somewhat “paleo” diet with a goal of 130 grams of protein a day. I drink about 80 ounces of water each day, and take FloLiving vitamins (basic plan) and Mixhers herbal supplements (PMS blend). I also used Woodbridge Wild Yam cream prior to meeting with my doctor with some success (I used a ¼ dose). I aim for 7-9 hours of sleep a night and try to get 10,000 or more steps a day (ideally in the morning, for circadian rhythms). As I have prioritized these things, much of the anxiety and depression I've had over the year due to hormonal fluctuations has improved. Ashagawanda has been helpful as well.
I pray you find answers from a health professional who listens to you and digs down for the underlying causes. Those who did so for me gave me the tools for this season.
Books You Should Know About
Hold Hope: Encouragement for Christians with Chronic Pain: This book is coming soon to Verity Press (launching at Verity Conference!). Olivia’s candid reflections on the deep desire to be understood strike at the heart of our shared human experience. She acknowledges the loneliness that comes with chronic pain but also points to the One who knows us completely. In God, we find the understanding and validation we so desperately seek. Hold Hope offers readers a sense of connection, while also gently redirecting them to the ultimate source of comfort and understanding.
Being a Sanctuary: The Radical Way for the Body of Christ to be Sacred, Soft and Safe: This book is by my friend and fellow minister of the gospel, Pricelis Perreaux-Dominguez. Pricelis inspires me as a Christian who lives in a very secular world (NYC) yet stands on the truth of Scripture with grace. She unpacks practical steps the body of Christ can take to cultivate a lifestyle of being a sanctuary, including repenting, pursuing sanctification, showing Christ's compassion, healing injustices, choosing unity over uniformity, and being advocates for people who have been hurt by the Church.
The Fight for Female: This new book by Lisa Bevere is on my TBR this month. I've appreciated Lisa's voice for women's place in the church, home and world. She believes there is an attack on womanhood, and this attack is more than cultural, it is spiritual. Revelation 12:17 portrays a dragon enraged with women who has declared war on our children. Our enemy, terrified of what--and whom--we were made to reflect, seeks to blur the lines, distorting the very idea of what it means for women to bear God's divine image.
The Latest on YouTube
The Beginner Believer series is gaining momentum on YouTube and we are grateful to be part of God's mission to reach everyone with the accessible, relevant, beauty of the Scriptures! Here is what we've covered on YouTube so far:
