My kids have been asking for another baby.
David's brother and his wife just welcomed their fourth. A little girl. And the boys are asking for a sister. Now, I told them even if we did have another baby, there's no gender guarantee. But then, I remind them that Daddy and I are delighted with our family and feel like we're all done having babies unless God clearly indicates otherwise.
The truth is, it stings when they ask.
They innocently ask, “Why can't we have a fourth baby?”
And I hear, “What's wrong with you?”
They say, “We want a sister!"
And I hear, “You can't hack it.”
The cold hard truth is that each time I have a baby, I experience suicidal ideation.
It's just something my brain does. If you google it, definitions will say this comes from “an inability to cope.” That's hard for me to read… because I put so much effort into healing and trying. For over a year after I had each of my sons, I fought really hard. I always hoped it would be better… but it wasn't. And so, a few months after my youngest son was born, I wrote myself a letter, begging future me to stop. “I know you envisioned yourself as a mom of four. Please, I beg you, be an alive mom, an attuned mom, an emotionally available mom to the three kids you already have.” I want to dignify and honor that beautiful young woman who was doing hard work in therapy and making her life as simple as possible, who I cannot dismiss on the basis of not knowing what she's talking about, who was playing with and kissing and delighting in her kids while they were awake and gripping the kitchen counter or assuming the fetal position in heaving sobs while they napped. She worked so hard. She pleaded so earnestly. She loved my children. She knows me. She also reached out to my sister to appeal to my future self and remind her (me) of what it is like for my mind after I have a baby and what I want my life to look like. I have nothing to prove about my mental health or my faith by having another baby… my sister reminds me of that.
Here's what I learned that helped me make this decision, this really hard decision, to let go of my desire to be a mom of four (and surrender the desire to be the mom to a little girl). The call of God on my life is to love him with my whole heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. I knew that pursuing another pregnancy would make it extremely challenging to fulfill those commandments. The year after we have a baby is immensely hard on our marriage. I need a lot of psychological support and David has a demanding job. We also have three really active little boys, who we have made the decision to homeschool. I thought about my oldest son, who would be 8 if we kept going at the same rate of a baby every 2.5 years. He'd be old enough to really remember. It was clear to me that the best way to love him in particular was to stop.
I also believe that one of the ways we love and honor God is by living within the limits of our creaturely finitude. My pelvic floor was severely damaged after my youngest son was born. They advised against another pregnancy. My body isn't built to have babies forever. My brain, for whatever reason, does that thing it does after I have a baby. I can only be one place at one time. I have limited brain function. And my capacity has been uniquely and lovingly ordained by my good Father. This helped me to stop looking around, wondering what was wrong with me every time I saw a mom with 4 kids. It helped me instead to consider not just what we were saying no to, but what we were saying yes to.
Not having a fourth baby meant continuing to homeschool our three kids. It meant having the soundness of mind to read and study the Bible and focus in prayer. It meant being available to serve and help others instead of drowning in my own stuff. It meant margin for our marriage to enjoy one another. It meant healing for my body and being able to get strong again. It meant being able to sign contracts this fall for more books because I felt confident that I would have the brain function and time to write them. It meant being able to tutor my son's homeschool co-op class. It meant being able to say yes to speaking engagements.
I could absolutely have had a fourth baby. And if we miraculously conceive, we will love that child and receive him or her as an immense gift, doing all we need to do to ensure the health of our family. However, for us, the thing that feels more God-honoring is to faithfully steward what we have for the glory of God and the good of our neighbors, especially our littlest and closest neighbors, our kids.
Now, this should go without saying, but I'm going to say, a good rubric for decision making is, as my friend Maggie Combs always says, “Do the thing that takes more grace.” For you, that might be another baby. But for me, it's stopping. It's recognizing that having another child would be more about my kingdom and pride than God's glory and honor. Choosing to recognize my limits and embrace God's clear calling on my life requires me to depend a lot more grace to fight the shameful darts of the enemy. Your life isn't my life. Your marriage isn't my marriage. Your kids are not my kids. Your body isn't my body. I'm not saying the godliest thing anyone can do is have three kids and stop. The godliest thing you can do might be to have 10 kids. But for me, it's to have three.
David and I both wanted four. We mourn the affects of the fall on my mind and body. But we also rejoice at all that God is doing in our life, our church, and our home.
I'm delighted to be in the position that I am right now in my family, my marriage, and my career. I do still have to fight the accusations of the enemy and my feelings of shame over my brain and capacity… but I've got a great arsenal for that from the word of God… and a healthy mind with which to do it.
