I've been thinking a lot about courage lately. I remember when I was younger, I used to think I was so bad ass and brave. Maybe I was, and maybe we all were when we were younger. But, I don't think I was ever trying to be courageous. I was just forced to deal with a lot of scary situations at a very early age, and in those moments, courage found me. However, as I grew older, I realized how uncomfortable my body and brain felt when I tried to remain courageous in the face of fear. Because of this, I adopted a new creed: Avoid scary things at all costs.
This has been working out pretty well for me over the last two decades, but I wonder if I'm missing something. Am I at times dodging the verve that life has to offer because I'm too afraid to move out of my safe corner? Am I stronger than I think? Lately, I've been feeling a gentle pull towards courage-requiring experiences. Nothing too petrifying or traumatizing, of course. But maybe just a little sum-sum with slightly scary vibes, that also feels promising and opening. In short, think it might be time for me to reexamine my relationship with courage.
Because this is an art-focused newsletter, I really want to share about courage in the face of creative terror, because I've been experiencing this lately. Okay, maybe not terror, but more like extreme creative discomfort and anxiety. I think there are so many creative people out there who either don't push themselves as far as they can go, or who don't even find the courage to create at all. And I think fear is a big factor here.
I've been making art for so long, and sometimes it's really easy to shift into autopilot. I definitely identify as a lazy artist, and my creative default is low effort and safe. However, when I make uncourageous art, this relaxed position also automatically loosens up my quality control. In essence, when I'm not brave in my art, my art kinda sucks. Then I wonder why I'm not farther along or more successful.
Just because I show up to my studio and create every day, doesn't mean I'm being brave about it or trying very hard. It just means I'm showing up for the sake of showing up. If I want to achieve greatness, showing up just isn't enough. Instead, I must show up with courage, every time I sit down to create.
A few weeks ago, I dug my heels in a bit deeper and forced myself to be brave during a creative sesh. Holy shit, is there a difference between creating safely and creating courageously. What does that mean and what does that look and feel like? Here is what creating courageously looks like for me.
I take chances and try things I've never done before, not knowing if it's going to work out or result in utter disaster. Gulp.
I risk ruining a piece by taking a creative chance, making a mark I've never made before, or doing something I wouldn't normally do.
I plow forward with something that doesn't at first seem to be working, rather than throw in the towel or scrap it. Many times, I feel stuck and don't know how to find my way out. But, I keep going until I break new ground. This could take days.
I make things that feel right, even if I think or know others might not like it.
The above mixed media work on paper is the first thing I've created in a really long time that required a lot of courage. You might not think it looks like much, or you might love it. And as much as I value your opinion, it doesn't really matter to me, because I can 100% tell the difference between this, and something I created on autopilot. This is a very small piece (11" x 7.5") that took me several days to complete. This piece began with the photograph below, and I added layer upon layer until the entire composition came together in a magical, ah ha, clicky instance of finality. There were so many moments during this process when I felt like “fuuuccckkk, what did I just do?!” I wondered how I'd find my way out. I wondered if I fucked the whole thing up by changing that thing around, or trying that weird new thing, covering that other thing up, or adding that other weird thingy. Yet, towards the end, I started to feel the brilliance coming into focus, and then bam, it was done. I knew it was complete when my eye darted around the entire piece, landed on every single detail, and saw absolute perfection across every square inch. I also felt zero inclination to change, edit, fix, or fuck with any of it. I just knew. It was an amazing feeling, and totally worth the terror I put myself through!
I've started a new series from this roll of film and it's always scary to start something new. But, I'd like to try to be brave moving forward, and show up courageously to my studio every time I make something, even if it's uncomfortable. I'll be sharing more in the coming weeks, and of course, you can see my real time updates first on Instagram @libbysaylor
I hope you like what you see, and please know that I can't wait to show you more!
