Hi lovely, I received so many warm messages after last weeks email. It was possibly the most personal and vulnerable email I've sent out so far, and I didn't quite know how it would be received. 

 

It was heart warming to receive such kind and supportive messages and bring forth the sharing of other women's (and men's!) experiences who could relate to what I was going through. It was worth sharing. 

 

Things I've been pondering this week… 

 

There is a fine line between sharing and thinking about life's challenges for the sake of growth, to feel heard and validated, without falling down the hole of negativity, victimhood, and unhelpful rumination. 

 

You know what I mean right? Have you ever been on the receiving end of a friend, co-worker, family member who seems to always be “struggling” with something, and feeling victim to life's unfairness? 

Or who wrap up their identity in the traumas (if you want to call it that) from their past?

 

Before we begin to judge those people, let's pause and be honest with ourselves. Is it true that we NEVER do this?

Even if you nod “yes!”

How likely is it that you will move through life and NEVER be faced with something that challenges your ability to see the light, find gratitude, challenge your sense of safety, and let go of a wrong doing to us?

 

Very unlikely. Sometimes we might be really good at working through our challenges. We think there is a big hole that's going to require a lot of work to fill, and then realize it's not that bad at all. Within a few days, it's been easy to fill and we can carry on as usual. 

 

Other times, we may fall down a hole that is much bigger than expected and it's actually quite hard to get out of it. 

 

I'll give you an example with binge-eating. 

 

Binge episode can literally be solved sometimes through diet alone. It's a shallow hole. As soon as I help someone get their basic nutrient requirements met, eating nourishing breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks the binge-episodes just stop.  

 

Other times, it goes so much deeper. For example, food might have been someone's main source of comfort that got them through a tough childhood.

The deep-seated fear of weight gain that keeps someone fearful of eating intuitively can be traced back to bullying at primary school. 

 

Another example is relationships

 

You might be totally safe and happy in your current relationship. Yet if something happens that reminds you of a challenge you faced with a previous partner (which caused you a tremendous amount of grief), your reaction will be tenfold stronger and may send you down that same big hole again. 

 

As I am writing this, I am thinking about a time as a kid where we would set up traps. Dig a hole, cover it up in something like flax or bushes, and top it with sand (say you were at the beach). Then someone (usually a parent we want to trick) would step on it, not realizing it was there, and step into the hole underneath, much to their surprise! 

 

I feel like we are often stepping into these holes throughout life. Sometimes they are shallow, ankle deep. They make us stop in our tracks, but we can easily step out, and carry on walking. 

 

Other times, we step into one of those HUGE traps. Almost over our head. We may have to stay down there for a bit, assessing the best strategy for the climb out. We may have to ask for help and have someone pass down a rope. 

 

What we must absolutely NOT do however if we end up in these holes is…

 

 Sit in them for days on end.

 Not cry out for help. 

 Not try to plan our ascent. 

 

If we do this… In a few days, we would run out of water and food, and perish. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say here 

 

If you are feeling like you are in a bit of a hole and feeling stuck right now…

try these 4 A's. 

 

 

(I've literally come up with these whilst typing, how cool is that? The power of writing!) 

2. Assess the damage - How hurt are you really? Do you need a minute to catch your breath? How deep is this hole really? Can you climb out on your own? Can you fill it on your own?

 

3. Ask for help if needed - Is this over your head, and you actually do need someone to throw you a rope? If yes, forgo the ego, otherwise you may be stuck down there for too long which will only end up weakening you. 

Note: Help could be from a friend who is a good listener, self-help book or podcast, online course, or 1-1 help from a professional. 

 

4. Ascend - Time to get out of the hole! It's dark down there, cold, and you can't participate in life the way you want to. With the help of others, begin the climb. And p.s. Make it easier for them, don't be one of those people who acts as a dead weight while the other person tries to pull you up. They may not be strong enough to do this all on their own without effort on your side too.  Help THEM, to help YOU climb, by making an effort. 

 

 I write this as much for myself as I do for you. Know that this is all a work in progress, and we are all just doing the best we can. 

 

With love and support 

Kim x