So yesterday I found myself having a good old cry on the couch. 

 

It was a combination of things. I had a terrible night's sleep for the third night in a row. It was day 1 of my menstrual cycle and it was day 5 of a bout of anxiety that I seem to get every few months or so where I just can't seem to get my heart rate down and breath properly. 

 

I had also just got back from an awesome snow trip (my first time ever at a Ski field!), where I was staying with my cousin and their adorable little 4 month old baby called Harriet who basically made my ovaries want to burst every time I held her. 

 

And I turn 31 today. 

 

It's so strange, for the last year I have felt so happy and content with where I am at in my life, and the timing of everything. Yet this year feels different. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for all the blessings in my life. I have the most amazing partner, friends and family. I love my job, my home etc. I have been lucky to travel and build many memories of adventure around the world. (Thanks logical mind!) 

 

Yet I found myself sad yesterday. An aching in my belly, wishing so desperately for motherhood. Subconscious mind wasn't listening to logical mind. 

 

I think deep down, I have been ready for motherhood for a long time, but have never been in a relationship that was ready. In previous relationships we were always working on something. Working through “issues” or working on finances/saving for a house. 

 

I started my business for the original goal of part time coach, part time mum. 

Along the journey, in times where I have felt sad about not starting a family, I have shifted my focus to work. Told myself that this is the universe telling you to work harder, throw yourself more into business. Work on yourself more.  

 

Each time I have tried to fill the space with a new project, something seems to get in the way with me energetically. It's like I want it - the bigger and busier business, the social following, the recognition, but at the same time - I don't. I want to potter in the kitchen, put together photo albums, be out in the garden, be OFFLINE away from all the “likes”  “follows” and ads. (Remember my deleted Instagram phase?). 

 

I really love my work. I also would really love to be a mother. I've decided. 

 

 

 

It was an idea in the Growth chapter of Robin Sharma's book Wealth Money Can't Buy.. Something along the lines of - 

 

 

There are many people that I admire, and tell myself often “I want to be more like them. I want their life". 

 

But to my astonishment, when I looked at all the people I admire, even Robin Sharma himself. When I ask - what does their day to day look like? 

 

I realized, I don't want their life at all. 

 

I realized that many people that I admire and look up to, have a day to day life that I wouldn't trade. Success has brought them to big cities like LA, London or New York. Many hours on their laptops and phones. Spending more time with their colleagues than their family and friends. Many are animal-less and kid-less and only seem to swim at the beach on holidays.

All of this is absolutely fine, there is no judgement here. 

 

But on reflection I can step back and realize that I often assume that I want to be more like someone else, and have their success, but in terms of the day to day living, - I don't want their life at all. 

 

I encourage you to do this little check for yourself. Is there anyone you find yourself admiring and aspiring to live like, yet if you were to break down their morning routine, work day, evenings, weekends, human or animal interactions (or lack of) etc. You might actually like your life better?

 

So it's this strange thing. I want to be them. But I also really don't. 

 

I guess the point here is, if you are feeling like you are “failing” or “sub-par” in one area of your life, and comparing this to someone you admire, thinking they are richer than you, pause and think again. You may already be richer than you realize. It all comes down to perceived value. (Which do you value more, your pay check? health? friends? memories? time? social following?). 

 

 

Despite not really having a logical explanation for the tears yesterday, (because it's not like I can't have a baby and it's been my choice not to) I just decided not to fight it, and feel the emotions. Something I often have to encourage clients to do who use food as an escape from emotions. 

 

I rested, and processed, and talked to Gus about how I was feeling once I had the words. Then (finally!) had a really great nights sleep. 

 

 To conclude my reflections….

2. We move through life building expectations in our head. Often unconsciously. But of course, things don't always play out as we imagined.

 

3. Plans can change. My plans are likely to change from how I thought my order of life events would play out. But that's okay. I trust that I will arrive at the destination I am meant to arrive at in time, but perhaps through a different route. (Which may even be more scenic!). 

 

4. Just because someone has achieved their version of a rich life, and societies view of a rich life, doesn't mean they know better than you do what a rich life is. What is it that you value the most? If you are doing those things every day, you are richer than you know. (I cannot put a price on sunrises, daily beach swims, and cuddles with Gus and Leah in the morning). 

 

5. Whenever we think we want to trade - we must ask - would I trade everything? We can't just take the success without the sacrifice.