Using TOOLS not RULES to break the diet mentality
Today's topic is about TOOLS vs RULES when it comes to our relationship with food and exercise. But before we get into this, I just want to say a HUGE thank you for supporting this email.
When I see how many women open this each week, (Between 350-400 of you) it gives me motivation to keep doing this because I know for every email opened, there is the chance a woman learns something to lead her one step closer towards a life of food freedom.
I felt SO alone when I was going through my food and body image issues. I would have loved to have someone check in on me each week, who made me feel understood, and who could offer some words of wisdom whilst I was navigating the complexities of the nutrition world.
I hope I can be this for you.
NOW
On to today's topic….
“TOOLS” VS “RULES” -
Question: Are you using too many RULES with your nutrition and exercise, when really they should just be used as TOOLS?
You and I were both brought up with rules. At school, in our home, perhaps even at work. Rules that were set by those who had authority.
We would be punished if we didn't follow these rules. Detention for not doing homework. Grounded for being mean to our sibling.
The point of these rules was to keep us “in-line”. To stop us from hurting other people or ourselves.
Rules are non-negotiables. They work on the basis that It doesn't matter how you are feeling, you just have to follow them.
As we become adults, we become responsible for creating our own set of rules and consequences. We might apply rules to our work life in order to become more productive. I.e. Rule - Don't check social media during work hours. Rule - Complete hardest tasks before checking emails.
Rules build discipline. Discipline breeds results. Results make you happy.
Or do they?
Is it really that simple?
Let's go back to one of my Poppa's final words of wisdom…
“Happiness comes from what you do, and how you feel, rather than what you have”
Meaning:
Just because you HAVE the results (i.e.) - The job promotion, the perfect body. The fancy car. The new handbag.
Doesn't mean you automatically FEEL better ("Having" doesn't fix brain fog, stress, anxiety, relationship issues).
"Having" doesn't mean you start DOING things that make you happy.
i.e. Does “Having” the perfect body change whether I can go DO things like surfing or horse riding?
Of course there are exceptions to this. Perhaps having the 4WD now means I can tow a float and take the horses to the beach.
Perhaps you are not allowed to do a specific sport unless you are under a certain amount of kilos (This is very rare, I can't think of one off the top of my head).
The point is, most of the time we think that the end “result” is what will make us happy overall. Sure, we get that feeling of accomplishment, but that doesn't last. We then move on to wanting the next dopamine “HIT” of accomplishment.
I remember as soon as I stepped off stage from a body building competition after coming second, I was thinking yay I did it! Right, how can I do this again? How can I be better next time?. I was already wanting another result “HIT”.
RULES MAY GET RESULTS
BUT THE RESULTS DON'T ALWAYS MAKE US HAPPY.
Common examples of diet “rules”:
I'm allowed 1 cheat meal a week
I'm only allowed 1400 calories a day
I'm not allowed to eat till 11am.
I have to do at least 30 minutes of HIIT each day.
I'm not allowed any dinner carbs.
I'm not allowed anything sweet after dinner.
Helpful question:
Sure, you CAN stick to these rules. But at what cost?
What I've noticed is that the biggest problem with using the “RULES = RESULTS” method, particularly for women, is that it works on the basis that we IGNORE how we're FEELING.
Ladies, listen up!
How you feel DOES matter.
And WHAT you need changes from day to day based on your levels of stress, and where you are in your menstrual cycle.
I get it, you value productivity and discipline, and rules work for you in other areas of your life such as “Do hard tasks before checking social media”.
But managing your health is not the same as managing your work load.
Your email and social media don't have “feelings”. They are not living, breathing, emotional, complex organisms like you are.
I want to propose a shift from “RULES” to “TOOLS”.
TOOLS meaning we can choose to do something or NOT do something based on a number of factors, including - How we are feeling, what our body needs, what our priorities are, what's happening in our life.
Example:
You have had two hard gym sessions and feeling sore. You have had a huge work day on screens on Friday followed by a big social night out with lots of food and drinks. When you wake up Saturday morning instead of →
RULE: I eat breakfast at 8am and go to the gym.
You wake up and ASK -
How am I feeling this morning?
What does my body need this morning?
What TOOLS from my tool kit could I use?
Upon reflection you think:
I'm dehydrated. I'm still sore and stiff from Thursday gym session. I'm not hungry because we ate so late. I had a full day in the office yesterday and need some outside time.
Tools you pick out from your tool kit might be:
- Big glass of water with electrolytes
- Delay breakfast until hungry - natural fast - followed by a nutrient dense meal to support your liver's detoxification pathways and feed your good gut bacteria.
- Opt for a walk to the beach, barefoot, and a swim in the ocean, followed by some light stretching.
Each one of these are just tools.
Where we can also go wrong is when we try to predict which tools we might need the following day, and accidently turn them into a rule.
e.g. I'm having a big night out, I “SHOULDN'T" be hungry in the morning so I “SHOULD” fast.
But then you wake up starving because without realizing it you're just getting into your Luteal phase of your cycle when your body wants more carbs.
“Fasting till 11" is no longer the right “TOOL” to use based on how you are FEELING.
You with me?
“Okay Kim, but I often don't feel like exercise, but then when I do it I feel so much better! Is this a good reason to have rules?”
You can still use exercise as a TOOL not a rule. It's not about doing what feels the best. It's about listening to how you are feeling, and then doing what you know you NEED to feel better. And yes, sometimes the hard thing that you don't feel like doing, feels better after. Self-care can suck.
For example:
I feel sluggish and don't feel like exercising, but I know it's just because I've been sitting down too much this week. The best tool I can use right now is making myself get up and do something active.
Homework this week:
Turn your “rules” into “tools” in these 3 Steps:
1. Write down all the “rules” you set for yourself when it comes to your food and exercise. Start with “My Rules” at the top.
2. Now cross out “Rules” and write next to it “MY TOOLS”.
3. Next to each one - Write down - This is helpful for me when I've been doing __________and feeling_________ , and when my body needs _______
This is not helpful for me when I've been doing __________ and I'm feeling__________ , and when my body needs__________.
As you do this, you might come across some “rules/tools” where you struggle to find what it's helpful for outside of calorie restriction. I invite you to question these rules.
How helpful have these rules/tools been so far?
Are they 100% necessary?
Would I be happier without these rules?
Your friend and coach
Kim xx
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