Sometimes clients will tell me they fantasize about something or someone...and they feel guilty or at least embarrassed about it.  I'm quick to point out the difference between fantasies and desires.

Fantasies are something you might think about that makes you feel aroused.

Desires are behaviors you would actually like to try in your bedroom.

 

Two different aspects of two really fun things.  Sometimes our fantasies become our desires...but very often they don't.  So why would we have fantasies in the first place if we don't actually want to do them in real life?  Here is an example for clarity.  Maybe you have a fantasy about being tied up while a sex partner is dominating and you are submissive.  However, in real life, being tied up doesn't sound very appealing.

 

Instead of shaming ourselves for our fantasies I want you to try this.  Consider that your fantasy might be your brain telling a story about an emotional need.  In the above example, you might notice that being tied up and dominated means that she isn't having to make any decisions.  It could be this fantasy is telling her after making so many major and minor decisions in her daily life  - from work to family - she has reached decision fatigue.  So when it comes to sex, a place of pleasure and connection, she wants to be able to take that hat off and relax while somebody else makes the decisions.

 

In her sex life that might not look like being tied down, but it could look like having a conversation with her partner beforehand, asking for them to be more assertive and taking more control in their sexual experience.  She can then lay her decision making hat down and just ENJOY the sexual experience.  No handcuffs necessary.