(I'm returning to sending my weekly Wednesdays emails to you all, thanks for your flexibility and grace in November!)
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Have you ever heard of vicarious grief?
It's the idea of you grieving over someone else's grief. So it goes a bit beyond empathy and sympathy for someone else but actually feeling grief over someone else's grief.
For me, I've felt this in different ways throughout my life but one that I feel and remember every year is my mom and dad's marriage anniversary.
When I lost my dad when I was 11 years old I lost a father but my mom lost a lifelong partner. She lost her husband and that grieves me sometimes even more than my own grief of being fatherless.
A week ago, on November 27th - it would have been my mom and dad's 44th wedding anniversary. She only got 21 years with him and actually remarried after him, and since that has been divorced, but to my mom - my dad will always be the love of her life.
So my grief comes from her having to live with a loss that is very much felt probably everyday. I miss my dad all the time but the truth is, I don't think about him everyday. I have a son and a husband. I have friends and family. And I live a very full life with a very full schedule. He definitely is on my mind a few times a week here and there but I know for my mom…..he's on her mind everyday.
What do we do to love on those
who have losses that they'll never get back?
The ones that are hard to not go a day without remembering. I don't know if I have all the answers, and not to be too cliche, but in trying to find an answer I just think about “what would Jesus do?”
I think He would extend compassion, not act like the grief isn't there, and he would try to help the person feel wholeness in some way.
I can't do all of that for my mom because I'm not Jesus but what I did do on November 27th is sent her a message acknowledging the anniversary, sharing how strong I feel she has been, and how much my dad loved her.
Heres the thing, I think there's a gift to having vicarious grief.
Because vicarious grief makes it so that I never forget my mom and dad's marriage anniversary. Vicarious grief helps me see my mom from a different kind of lens - that yes she is strong but that doesn't mean she doesn't need me or anyone else. Vicarious grief reminds me to pray for my mom. And vicarious grief doesn't let the fullness of my life distract me from hanging out with my mom, calling my mom, and loving my mom well.
Vicarious grief is not pity. It's a pathway to compassion.
In reality, it's a the work of being like Jesus.
