Hi there First name / dreamer,
I asked my brother’s consent to share this.
My brother really pissed me off this past weekend, there’s no gentle way to say it. It was my mom’s birthday, and he flew in for it. We were having a conversation over dinner where my mom shared something about food, and he said something that made me really angry - and it’s something that’s happened before.
I spoke up right away. He apologized, which I appreciated, but it didn’t take away from my deep anger about why he would do such a thing!
Naturally, I started hypothesizing and making up stories in my head about him. This wasn’t fair at all, but I was too pissed off to care. I wasn’t sure that journaling would help beyond just venting, but I also knew that journaling AND getting into my body hasn’t failed me.
(which is why my course is amazing!)
So I woke up the next morning and journaled about how mad I was, including professions of deep anger and running a whole internal dialogue in my head while I was furiously writing.
And then I wrote “GGIMB” - gonna get in my body.
I knew that continuing to write about it was literally fuel to the fire. When I connected to my anger in my body, it was fire red in my chest. I repeated “you are allowed to be here” until it felt permission to shift. And I reaized how feeling bad about being angry at my brother during a weekend of celebration was making it rage more. When I gave it permission to exist, it dissipated into sadness. Sadness for him and me. Sadness that my boundary was violated, and I didn’t have agency to speak for myself. I wrote “I am hurt that you feel the need to speak for me…My aligned action is telling him how I feel when he does this.”
Less than an hour later, we were on a walk, so I decided to tell him how angry it made me and how hurt I was. Being vulnerable with him in this way is newer for me. In the past, I’d rather keep my wall up and not show my pain by avoiding him and snapping at him, which basically meant I’d cause him pain! I did not want this anymore, and getting in my body told me what was required for me to do so I could connect instead of disconnect.
I told him how I felt, and he told me that what he had said in response to my mom was about how he was triggered by what she said! I hadn’t even noticed this because I didn’t see it as triggering. It all made sense. He was activated and felt the need to defend himself. While it didn’t have to involve me, I deeply understood that perspective. I told him that I understood, and to just check in with me first next time. He agreed and reiterated his apologies, and, this time, I truly accepted it.
I would never have known his perspective unless I journaled about it and connected to my body's inner wisdom.
After he told me this, everything in me softened. I had so much compassion for both of us.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that this completely turned around the weekend, and, for the first time in my life, I have more positive memories of being with my immediate family than negative ones.
And remember that if you’re BIPOC, I have two pay-what-you-can spots open. Applications are due by Saturday, January 25.
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