First name / Friend,
Something you may (or may not) know about me is that I've had a lifelong struggle with bullies.
And I'm talking a major - not minor - struggle.
My “lowercase t trauma” (unofficially) began in middle school with mean girls on the playground. Then during high school, at college internships, and throughout my career.
My experiences led to anxiety attacks, taking mental health leave, therapy, coaching, and changing jobs.
Once I started my business, I continued observing bullying at the workplace and internalizing these experiences.
After seeing a brave post by my friend Lauren on LinkedIn last week, I decided it was time for me to share my story. I was done hiding.
So I ripped off the Band-Aid and posted the next day. After 24 hours, I was blown away by the response. Hundreds of likes, comments, reposts, and private messages from women (and men) across the world.
27,500 impressions later (and counting), I am here to share a similar message with you, but with some Coaching Corner vibes added in. Here it goes…
. . .
I was bullied at my first job after college. It was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life.
And then I was bulled at my next two jobs. All by women.
One time, a senior leader cornered me in a conference room on her last day of work and called me insulting names.
She wanted me to know that other people were talking about me and that I should "do better." It was awful. I cried on my way to the airport and never reported it to HR.
The truth was, there would be no repercussions for this woman if I reported it. And my workplace culture was one that rewarded this type of behavior. I had no hope that sharing with HR would result in any (effective) problem solving. If anything, I would end up feeling worse.
Years later, as a leadership coach and consultant, I witness bullying all the time. And it's not just from managers to their direct reports - I see it from employees to managers and between peers.
My experiences have taught me a lot about myself, the workplace, and what needs to change. I could literally write a novel, but for the sake of brevity I'll share three things I've learned along the way:
1. Unhappy and insecure people do not like happy and secure people. Especially if your light is shining very bright. ☀️
➡️ We must take responsibility for our own healing and the way our self-esteem impacts others. Go to therapy if you have the resources to do so. You are not responsible for what happened to you, but you are responsible for how you treat others.
2. If you're an empath with a growth mindset, you're unfortunately the perfect target for bullies. And if you're a high performer, it's even worse. You tell yourself the story that something is wrong with you and start quieting the best parts of you. 😔
➡️ If/when you are bullied, be brave. Listen your body, ask for help, and set boundaries from day one - it is not in your head. If things don't get resolved, consider pursuing new opportunities.
3. Women are treated poorly in the workplace. This translates to pay inequity, being called "bossy," sexual harassment, and receiving more critical performance reviews (I've experienced all of these).
The world sends us the message that there aren't enough seats at the table, so some resort to competing with other women and tearing them down. It's so sad. 💔
➡️ We MUST empower, celebrate, and elevate each other, and become our greatest allies. There is room for all of us.
. . .
To be clear, this doesn't get men off the hook. My friend, Lauren, said it the best:
"I’ve been [bullied] before. Countless times by men, of course. Yet the moments scorched into my memory? They came from women. I remember every detail—the belittlement, the flex of power, the way they chose to boss me around."The point is, we need to stop the cycle, support women, and amplify the voices of leaders who are doing the right thing.
The good news? My negative experiences are what inspired
the work I do today.
I get to help my
coaching clients gain confidence and heal from the internal and external bullies who are standing in their way.
I get to deliver
trainings to teams about psychological safety, communication, and belonging.
While I have scars in my heart, I know that I'm on my path and a stronger and wiser woman because of it.
. . .
Today I'm asking you to carve out 10 minutes to reflect on the topic of bullying, answer these questions, and forward them to a colleague or friend.
Anti-Bullying Reflection Questions
1 - Think back to a time where you felt bullied by someone at work. How did you feel?
2 - If you have not experienced bullying at work, why do you think that is?
3 - What is a superpower of yours that other people may admire or be jealous of? [Don't be shy - name it, First name / friend.]
4 - Where in your work or life might you be dimming your light to make other people feel comfortable?
5 - Think back to a time when you witnessed someone else being bullied at work. What action did you take (or not take), and why?
6 - What do you feel contributes the most to bullying at your workplace? [Consider thinking about both individual and team issues.]
7 - What are the skills that your managers and/or employees need to develop in order to prevent and/or address bullying at work?
I would love to hear any insights you gained from these questions. Reply to this email to let me know.
If you're interested in receiving professional support to address bullying in your workplace and build a psychologically safe work environment, complete this
team interest form to get a conversation started.
I also have
three coaching spots opening up this spring for individuals who want to take their career and lives to the next level.
Let's do better together. 💙
