Intentional Living
Your belief wins over desire every time.
Kim is just like you.
She has many of the same wishes you have, and similar roadblocks that keep her from creating her life the way she dreams about.
Time and time again, I hear essentially the same thing from new clients, and my client Kim (not her real name) said what I hear often. She said, “Amy, I just want a calmer feeling house. I want to open my closets and see organization. I have a desire to make dinner and not hear four other pans crashing to the floor while I pull out the one pan I use most." She then said, "I am tired of being embarrassed when someone stops by my house unannounced. I would cringe if they wanted to come inside, and worse, if they wanted to come upstairs!”
As we talked more, Kim shared the things that were making her house feel so cluttered; clothing, technology items, boxes of other people's stuff she had inherited, dishes, toys, etc. She said, “my house fills up again just as fast as I clear it out. I try to make shifts but nothing sticks long term. I am always ending up right where I started. I have always had organization and clutter issues. I remember my Girl Scout Leader telling me this as a 5th grader!”
That last paragraph holds the key reason why Kim absolutely won't create (and maintain) a lasting, calmer, clutter free home. Did you catch what it was? Let's see if you did, and it's not because she has too much stuff.
I'll give you a clue….
Did you notice that long-held belief she has about herself? That belief will crush any dream she has long term. She, like most of us, will make progress towards this desire, but that progress won't hold long term, and she will be right back where she started, once again.
She has a left-over childhood belief that she isn't organized nor can be clutter free. To her, the words from her Girl Scout leader solidified who she was back in 5th grade, and she has lived by that belief to this day. She believes she will always have issues with being organized and clutter-free, despite desiring for it to be different. So while she will make progress, her old belief will sneak up on her, tap her on the shoulder and remind her that this won't last. Inevitably, her old traits of adding more things, and keeping things she really doesn't need or want anymore, will re-create the cluttered home once again.
You are no different. Your beliefs will win every time. If your thoughts and beliefs are in line with what your want, you'll be that way. If they aren't, you will struggle with it. Your thing might not be a more organized home, but maybe it is getting into the shape you want, or finding the partner you desire, or the job promotion you wish you could get.
Simply wanting this change didn't shift anything long term for Kim, and it won't for you either, if your belief runs counter to your desire.
Maybe you want to be more lean and athletic. You follow a workout plan and stop eating chips. Pretty soon you see some changes, you are feeling stronger and your pants are more loose. But a couple weeks in, you are laying on the couch binge watching your new favorite show. The chips are in the cupboard calling your name, and the workout you said you would start at 6pm has been all but forgotten. As you get to the cupboard to get the chips you say to yourself, “ I like chips too much to not have them. And after all, I'm not really a lean person. I have been a little overweight for decades, there is no way this time is going to be any different.” So off you go with the chips and you don't go back to that workout program again. A few months later, you are right back where you started, where you wish you could get leaner and stronger. You will likely revisit this scenario again and again, only to have the same results after a couple weeks or more.
So, how do we change the belief that keeps us stuck in this same spot, without better outcomes that last?
We do it by changing our thoughts/beliefs. The cool thing about being human is that you can think about what you are thinking about, and, you can change what your thoughts are, and therefore, what you believe. Your beliefs are just thoughts you have had so many times you have come to believe they are true.
In holistic life coaching, we use a process that goes like this;
- Your thoughts (beliefs) dictate your feelings.
- Your feelings control your actions.
- Your actions drive your results.
- Your results support your thoughts. (and then you start the circle again)
It's a circle! When you change your thoughts (AKA, your beliefs), you ultimately change your results. So if your new thoughts are supportive of the new habit or trait and you refuse to allow your old thoughts to be entertained in your mind, then you will end up becoming that newer version of yourself. In Kim's case, she actually became an organized, clutter-free person through the thoughts she started thinking and saying out loud repeatedly.
She got there after we dove into that comment her Girl Scout leader said about her. She had also heard it from others during that time frame, and felt that way about herself as well. Ultimately, she believed that to be true about herself. But even if that was how she was as a kid, it didn't mean she needed to be that as an adult.
So we talked about why that might have been her trait as a kid. She thought of lots of reasons. Then we talked about little areas of her life where she was already organized and clutter-free as an adult. It took a bit of prodding, but she thought of quite a few areas. Her music album collection was alphabetized, and had stayed that way for years. She had made albums in her online photo app and did a good job putting photos into them. And her work computer files were organized and maintained.
After noting all these examples of her already being that organized person she had desired becoming, she only had to change the thoughts in her head to support that, indeed, she was already this type of person (even though she wasn't yet acting like it in most areas of her life). But, she understood she could build on this belief.
As the next few months went on, she constantly reminded herself that she was organized and had a calm home, even if she wasn't actually this way very often yet. In telling herself this, and saying it out loud so often, her belief (thoughts) about herself changed.
Once her belief changed, her feelings began changing to where she felt good about the little organization steps she had implemented. She knew she wanted to, and could, keep doing them.
Once her feelings/beliefs changed, her actions changed to where she decreased online shopping by hundreds of dollars monthly, and instead sold lots of items on Facebook Marketplace, making hundreds instead! Once her actions changed, so did her results. Within a few months, she had off-loaded so much stuff, especially items in storage, closets, and items laying around, that her house felt calm.
We had worked together for about 6 months while she was going through this process. A few months after our last session, she emailed me and asked if I would come to her house for tea to witness her new reality. I happily showed up a day later. She met me at the door and said, “I cannot wait to bring you into my 3-season porch, and show you my upstairs, too!” She no longer felt dread with having people over because her home was now calm and un-cluttered.
You can do this, too!
Here's how;
Think about an area of life where you want a different result. Then identify what your current thoughts and feelings are about having that thing be real in your life. Find tiny, little areas of your life where you can see you have the start of that new trait. Then build on that to create a belief that you can lean into. Your feelings, actions and then finally, your results, will support this new you.
Try it! And let me know how it goes.
If you need more assistance in changing a deeply rooted belief, you can explore holistic life coaching with me privately, or this fall in my group training.
See below for classes, workshops and trainings coming up.
Relaxation yoga is back Sunday nights a couple times a month!
Flow yoga this Friday morning!
Namaste,
Amy
Amy Machacek Shonka
HeartWork Studio
Mind, Body, Spirit, Space
Creating the home and life you love
Upcoming events:
Relaxation Yoga Sunday night
Holistic Life Coach training, this fall!
Deep Dive into the Living the 8 limbs of yoga program this fall
In town retreat at HeartWork
Friday morning Flow yoga
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