EMBRACING THE TOO MUCHNESS OF BEING A MULTIFACETED BEING

I am quite literally amazed some days that I have been a mental health therapist for 13 years (with a few extended moments of running away from being a therapist). I quit a lot of things, on purpose*.

On a good day I have a multitude of ideas pouring through my pen as I scratch out often illegible words and squiggly lines into my notebook while sitting in bed with my too many cups of coffee each morning. I love constructing curriculums and new ways of being in relationship with this thing we call our vocation. 

The etymology of the word vocation comes from the Latin ‘vocatio’, defined as a spiritual calling, a summons. It was only in the late 16th century that the definition of vocation shifted from ones spiritual calling to ones employment. No wonder so many of us multifaceted folks with resumes that look like we cannot hold a job for more than 5 minutes often feel a deep inner shame about what we do in the world. 

A few years ago when deep diving into all things neurodivergent I delightfully discovered the term ‘bore-out’, a cousin to the term burn-out. Bore-out is essentially being under-stimulated which can seem odd if you're a deeply sensitive human who might get overwhelmed by external sensory things like fluorescent overhead lighting and any group social event where you might have to mingle with strangers and chit-chat. But being under stimulated is a thing! You can be both overstimulated and under stimulated at the same time. And for me, it was the thing that had me quitting all of my jobs after 6 months max, even and especially my therapy related jobs. 

This naturally invoked a bit of a shame spiral from those inner critic parts judging me for not being able to stick with anything, which then lead to other parts reinforcing that by criticizing my ability to know what I want or who I am, and activating more parts convincing me that I was unable to make a decision because to decide something might mean I would choose wrong which would lead to more quitting, inevitably meaning I must be failing at life and my chosen vocation. What a good time! Can you relate?

what it feels like trying to figure out all of the things

This might seem like an odd thing for me to wax on about since I have somehow maintained being a therapist in some form for 13 years. I say all this to also come clean that for nearly the entire time I have been a therapist I have also been trying to figure out how to not be a therapist. Not because I think I'm not good at it but because I need more rabbit holes to root around in, alone and with others. Because the container of being a therapist has never been quite the right shape to hold all of the complexities of how I envision doing my best work in the world. (and honestly, there are too many rules and regulations to uphold which are in direct conflict with my inner teenager who loathes being told what to do and how to do it). 

Certainly our work, or what we do to make money and support ourselves is not required to fulfill this spiritual calling, but what if it could? Or what if it was possible to satisfy these insatiably curious and creative parts that need more time and space to go down all the rabbit holes and feel ok about themselves when they get bored and need a new rabbit hole to intentionally fall into? What if there was a place to go, a time outside of time, to play, get lost, and engage with the unseen before we move into the next iteration of ourself or our work?

For me, a calling is relational. Something larger and louder, perhaps guided by ancestors, the tree outside my door, and interdisciplinary experiments that stimulate my intellectual, sensorial, and existential needs. 

And my job is to soften anything that prevents me from listening deeply to what this voice is saying. And then to respond back in some way that says “hi, thank you, I heard you, that sounds interesting, I wonder what might happen if I take a little step this way". This is a cosmic call and response. And I am committed to this dance. And much like Alice, I often yearn for things to “make sense”, for my path and my choices to “make sense”, but I am also starting to embrace the notion that for me not making sense makes the most sense. Does that make sense?

May you have a week of intentionally falling down all of the rabbit holes your beautifully intense mind desires. 🕳️ 🐇

>> * thank you Cate for the invitation to add ‘on purpose’ to my nuanced work  decisions. I went down a rabbit hole and discovered her brilliant world just last week and encourage you to do the same >> What to say you do when you do it all