Hello First name / friend,

 

If I am being honest there has been times in my marriage where the photo above looks like a present reality and other times where it seems like a distant dream.

 

 

The number 2 reason people divorce is money fights (the number one reason being infidelity). But when we fight about money, we aren’t really fighting about money. The money is just the object we can see. The actual thing we fight about is our needs. When those needs go unmet, or we feel they are unmet. We argue, and we fight.

 

And the fact is you and your partner have different needs; sometimes diametrically opposite needs and those different needs were internally present the very first time you met.

 

When we seek a mate, we usually, without thinking, seek someone who has a quality or trait we desire in ourselves. It is usually a directly opposite trait or need: extroverts can seek introverts, those that seek safety or rules, seek those that are freer flowing or fun / thrill seekers. And hence the term, “opposites attract”.

 

The difficulty is that even though we desire it, we cannot seem to obtain it inside ourselves. The reason we cannot get what we desire is we have a subconscious that has its old mode of operation. Our subconscious learned through childhood experiences what was or what seemed dangerous. Then it worked out a plan to protect us from those dangers. We have used that plan and believed in that plan for quite some time now, all subconsciously of course.

 

And this is where the rub is. We are living with this person who has a trait we desire in us, but our subconscious believes those traits are unsafe in some manner. So, when our partner’s actions make our subconscious feel unsafe, the subconscious hijacks our brain and causes us to react, usually in an unkind way to our partner.

 

Let me give you an example. We have a husband who is maybe up tight, he's a strict “never break the rules” type of person. He keeps the family budget, and it's a budget of frugality. His inner desire is to loosen up and be better at having fun. He marries what he seeks to be, someone who knows how to have fun. She can sometimes spend without regard to the strict family budget. And when this happens, his subconscious is pushing against this, telling him “when fun is taken too far things go wrong”, or maybe “too much fun is simply childish”. And with these messages from the subconscious, he reacts in an unkind manner.

 

Can you start to see the problem?

 

 

 

Start by each of you writing down your top 12 money memories that occurred before age 26. Get as detailed in writing of the memory as you can. Now let’s put some feelings to each of these memories. Were they mad, happy, or sad? Here is where you can also use a feelings wheel to find the exact emotion(s) that describe what you were feeling when the past event occurred.

 

 

Here are just a few of the common threads I see in my coaching; big childhood emotions were not tolerated (crying or angry), a child who didn’t feel they had a voice to express what they thought or felt, growing up poor, being bullied, the need for acceptance by family or by peers, that love was expressed through gifts/money, that love was given in return for a child’s achievement, that silence or control was bought with money, that as a child you felt responsible for your parents fighting or their money problems.

 

 

We must recognize that old childhood memories can be sensitive wounds. Which means the minute you feel even something even slightly similar, your brain subconsciously senses a threat, goes on high alert, and you verbally lash out or possibly, emotionally shut down, or give the “silent treatment”. All actions/reactions to protect yourself from the possible threat.

 

Once you are both prepared to talk, set up a money date. You must both be in a relaxed state for this date. Now each of you pick one or two of the memories to discuss. Can either of you see how this memory might be affecting your current relationship with your partner when it comes to money? Could both of you agree to approach that area with gentleness? Can the partner with this money memory remind themselves with a mantra the next time they are triggered? Possibly with wording like, “My spouse loves me and cares for me, my spouse isn’t the bully on the playground, or my parent, or (fill in the blank).

 

Future money dates will be sharing more of these memories and engaging in curious non-judgmental discovery. You can even explore with your partner how these past memories have shaped the current fears, hopes and dreams for your life.

 

These are just a few steps couples can take to improve their money relationship, but we need to realize some relationships need a little more help than what a newsletter can provide and for those couples I am here.

 

 

Also please note: Digging into past memories can be difficult. If there are overwhelming emotions that occur in this process which cannot be resolved by taking a break (some breathing, or a short walk, or upbeat music to get your mind off it) then please reach out to me or a licensed therapist to seek further assistance. 

 

 

I was recently a guest on the Leadership Type Talk podcast. 

 

Not for one episode, but 3 back to back episodes airing May 20, May 27, and June 3. 

 

We talk about each Enneagram type and how we work with money when we are in balance and also out of balance and how each type can bring themselves back into balance.