Atiliay noun, a play off the French word “atelier”; a workshop/studio, esp of an artist or designer; my creative space

Notes plural noun, a brief record of facts, topics, thoughts written down as an aid to memory; a short informal letter

 

This month's mantra is centered around ideas of grief and love and honoring both.

Inspired by Valentine.

Valentine came into my life in the most unexpected way when she was 3 and I was 25. 

(The above photo to the left is her first day home with me.)

 

One of the first things that happened when she came home was her stitches from being spayed came out because she was jumping too much! I took her to the vet and when I opened the back door to get her, she jumped out so fast that I threw myself on top of her in the parking lot. I JUST found her in the middle of the street potentially hit by a car and that couldn't happen again! I walked into the vet's office with scraped elbows, asking for band aids. 😅 There was never a dull moment with Valentine!

 

But she also settled in so quickly and when I decided to name her Valentine, it only took her a day to respond (I found her in February before Valentine's Day :))

 

If you didn't know her when I first got her, you wouldn't believe what a wild child she was in her younger years! Having zoomies and running past Lucci and Bernard, making those 2 old men bark at her lol, jumping around on all the furniture. One day she came back in from the yard and half a tooth was missing. 🤷🏻 Another time she ran to the door to greet me and had a dead mouse in her mouth. One day she squeezed out a crack in the front door running after a cat and had me chasing her around the neighborhood!

 

Another afternoon as I was driving up to the house, I saw the gate was ajar and my stomach dropped. Who knows how long ago that happened and how far she had run by now. But as I got closer, I saw that she was sitting on the front porch waiting. She knew where home was (and food and treats) and where she belonged.

Along with her wild ways, Valentine was also my sweetest baby girl-- she took food so so gently from your hand, she'd always let me pick her up, she never bit me, she let me dress her up, she never caused any issues for the vet or groomers. And as annoyed as they got with her sometimes, I know Lucci and Bernard loved having a crazy little sister. She was the cutest and melted everyone's hearts!

 

She also had some funny habits: she would take 2-3 kibbles and put them into flower pots that were the same height as her. Just saving some snacks for later. She would also just leave them on the floor randomly in the middle of a room lol. She liked to body slam worms and dried bird poop. She would bury her squeaky toy--sometimes not very well like she got lazy about it and was like ehh that's fine but one time we couldn't find it for over a year!  

 

She brought me so much joy and part of that was seeing how much joy she brought to others--complete strangers in fact lol I honestly sometimes felt like I was the mom of a little celebrity! People wanted to talk to her, pet her, just point and smile, and even take pics of or with her (which is one of my favorite things that she's on random people's phones across the US lol). She wasn't doing anything, just minding her own biz lol. One time I was talking to a lady who loved her so much she asked if I could text her when I got her DNA results back because she wanted a dog that was the same kind as Val (I did text her back and these were Val's results!) This was the magic that was Valentine :) When she got reiki done, Yuka said she had warm sunshine energy and I have never heard of anything more accurate. I am so happy that many of you got to know her, that my friends got to spend time with her, and that even their kids got to know and love Val! 

 

Throughout the years we went through so much together--she helped me through the loss of Lucci, Bubba, Jefrey, Bernard, Makani, and Samone. She went through break ups with me. We got through lock down and the pandemic together. At the time I was living with Val and my cats Makani and Samone. They unexpectedly passed so close together during the middle of the pandemic which was so hard. Val got me through that and since then it's been just me and her. I have never felt lonely because of Val. She made life full, fun, and funny--she made me laugh every single day.

Last year we went on the adventure of our lives! Traveling from CA to the other side of the country, to Canada, and back to the West Coast. We saw white sands, snow!, the eclipse, wild ponies and dolphins, met so many dogs and people, found trolls, and so much more. Some of my favorite moments were simply looking over to the passenger seat to see her sleeping so peacefully while we were driving on the open road.

 

It has been such a struggle for me to know whether it was time or not. It's been on my mind for many months. But after a rough night I asked her to give me a sign if she was ready and I felt like the next day she did.

 

I spent the entire week with her, being on her time, spending hours outside and on walks, and feeding her all the foods I thought she would want to eat--veggies, steak, brisket, curly fries, regular fries, eggs, bacon, salmon. The day of she devoured an entire burger! Moments before, she got to try pizza and was outside in the fresh air, her favorite. 

Valentine was sent off onto her next adventure, peacefully at home, with so much love on April 28th. 

 

She was 18 and I am 40 now. I think about all the life we got to live and experience together, our matching Halloween costumes, the friends we made, hours spent content on the road, the silly things I made her do that she was such a good sport about, the thousands of photos and videos I took of her, the adventures we went on-- I am so grateful for all of it. 

 

How amazing to get to be this close to this little beautiful, sassy, silly little being, full of personality and strong opinions. 

 

How lucky to have found one another, to love her and to be loved by her. 

 

I received her ashes back this past week and while that felt hard, I am also glad she is back home with me. I feel that her physical journey on this earth is complete. She lives on in all of the memories she's created and in my heart.

 

And I have such a strong feeling that she is with Lucci and Bernard (and maybe even with the kitties bc where they are now she is friends with cats too?? :) which really comforts me. 

 

Valentine is wild and free again, able to see with her beautiful big eyes, running so fast, barking and causing chaos like she used to! Happy, joyful, and carefree. Thank you for being the best companion I could ever ask for. Until we meet again, Valentine ❤️

 

Mantras: My grief is sacred / I am capable of healing / I trust that peace will find me

 

Blessing For The Broken Hearted by Jan Richardson Read the full poem here, below are a few lines that really resonated with me. Thank you Ellen for sending this to me along with several other poems for comfort.

 

 

Books: I have not yet read them but both came highly recommended. I have had When Things Fall Apart - Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron for years for when I would need it. It's a small book about 180 pages and I recently received The Grief Recovery Handbook - The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses by John W. James and Russell Friedman, gifted to my by Colleen.

 

Things that have helped me: Being in nature, self care (for me that looks like going to the head spa, spending time with friends), eating my comfort foods, talking when I need to, letting myself rest, and while I have been keeping busy which helps, I haven't forced myself to do anything I don't feel like. I am also so lucky to have loving, supportive, and caring people in my life who have checked in, sent me mail / food / gifts / funny memes, and made sure I'm doing OK--this experience would be so much harder without them. 

I know so many of you understand deeply how hard it is to lose a loved one. As I have shared my loss I have learned of the loss others have been experiencing too. And even in the midst of grief and sadness, this connection, understanding, and empathy in sharing and listening has been comforting and beautiful. I hope that if you're going through any kind of loss that this month's mantra can be a helping hand when you need it. Sending thoughts of peace, comfort, and love. A few words I wanted to leave you with:

 

A reminder from my friend Claire: “We do the best with what we know at the time.”

 

And one of my favorite quotes: “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” - Helen Keller.

 

Take good care,

PS: Creating has always been a place where I can find peace and comfort and it's something I've tried to keep up with. I'm hosting a free Brush Lettering with Crayola Markers virtual workshop if you'd like to join me. It's tomorrow, Sunday May 11th, from 10:30AM-11:10AM. If you're not sure if you can make it or can't but am interested, feel free to RSVP and I will send you the recording of the workshop. All the details, supply list, link to the Zoom call can be found here.

 

PPS: Here is a short process video of the mantra art if you'd like to watch it come together.

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