Imagine there are two different people, both in middle age, surveying their lot in life. 

 

The first person looks around and says: “This is it?”. 

 

The second person looks around and says: “This is it!”

 

Two people. 

Same words. 

But a totally different experience of the world. 

 

A change in just punctuation and emphasis takes us from a sense of deep disappointment to one of gratitude, joy and pride. 

 

We are so sensitive to this when other people talk to us:

 

 “I love you too!” and “I love you…too” 

can land very differently, 

especially if you are already feeling insecure in the relationship.

An enthusiastic “That’s great” 

and totally distracted “Yeah, that’s great” 

can be the difference between feeling encouraged 

and feeling totally dismissed by your boss.

A text that says “I am coming home” 

or a text that says “I am coming home!” 

has been the source of more fights and follow-up questions 

(totally rational things like: 

“What’s wrong? Are you mad at me? Do you even love me anymore?!?”) 

between my husband and I then I am willing to admit.

Let’s just say he uses a lot more exclamation marks 

in his texts with me these days than he does with his college buddies.

Our own narratives can be found, not just in the words we use, but the tone, the energy and the body language that help tell the story. That is what gives the words life, meaning, context. 

 

“This is just who I am,” said with pride and confidence. 

 

“This is just who I am,” said with defensiveness and dismissal. 

 

“This is just who I am,” said with apology and shame. 

What we say matters, but how we say what we say sometimes matters even more, whether we are talking to our kids, our clients or ourselves.

 

Experts love to argue over this, as experts do, but there are communication theories that would posit that 93% of our communication is non-verbal.  

 

BUT DIDN'T YOU?? DIDN'T YOU???!!

In my previous life in the theatre (long story), I had a brilliant acting coach, Diana Castle, who would say that the words the screenwriter or the playwright would give us, the actors, were “portals” into the world of our characters. 

 

When Don Corleone says in The Godfather, 

it feels scary and foreboding, 

because we know the violence he is capable of. 

Yikes.

Dorothy’s “There is no place like home” 

gives us goosebumps because we know the Odyssean journey 

she has traveled to get to the Wizard.

You can do it D!

feels like a warm, sentimental hug because we can see Forrest Gump, 

in all his innocence and wisdom, sitting on that park bench, 

opening that box, and his heart, to the stranger next to him.

Immediate feels.

In the theatre, it is the job of the actor to build the world behind the word, to give each line the life it deserves. 

 

We, too, have to be insatiable in our curiosity, with ourselves and the people we love. 

 

What could that possibly mean? 

What is the backstory to that statement, that belief, that world view? 

What are you telling me about what it is like to be you, without literally telling me? 

 

It is what we do as providers in our sessions. 

 

And, it is what we do as parents, every single day, but especially when our kids are struggling. 

 

We try to take the monosyllabic “fine” response to “How was school today?” and read into the nuance in their tone, the subtle shifts in their face, the way they pick their nail beds and look out the window as they say it. 

 

 

We sit in silence with them, wondering, sometimes impatiently, what is going on in their brains. 

 

And while we can’t read their minds, we can listen. 

Really listen. 

Not just with our ears for the words they are saying, but for the world behind the words. 

 

We can listen with our eyes to see their body language. 

We can listen with our nervous system to see how it has landed for us, and use that to explore what might be happening for them. 

We can listen with our own hearts, the hearts that have felt that same heartbreak at not making the team or getting dumped for the first time. 

 

This listening is the gateway to our empathy, which is our portal into their world. It also primes you to be ready to validate, the first step in EFFT Emotion Coaching. 

 

And, in doing this, in showing up in this way, 

and, in turn, 

Yes!

And I know as parents we want to just “fix it”, but the “less alone in their struggles” might be way more effective and way more important. 

 

So, play around with this: listening with your whole heart. 

 

To yourself and the people you love. 

 

Feel free to let me know how it goes.

You've got this,

Here are 3 of my all time favorites. 

If someone forwarded this to you, 

welcome!

Subscribe here.