💔➡️❤️ Stronger by Heart: Inclusive Leadership in Times of Grief

Kushɛ is one of the ways we say “hello” in Krio, the lingua franca in Sierra Leone.

“Employees don't benefit from leaders who take away the suffering. They need leaders who come alongside them to understand the struggle and support dignity, capability, and purpose.”
—Nate Regier, Compassionate Accountability: How Leaders Build Connection and Get Results

Dear Leader,

I think of grief like the keloid scars on my body.

My mum used to fuss at me for my tomboyish, rough behaviors, warning, "One day you will regret all those scars." Today, those scars are reminders of every fall and scrape. Grief, in that same vein, reminds me of the love shared, the memories made, and the time with my mum I no longer have.

I see my mother in the most unexpected places—in predictable memories and those that sneak up on me. I see her in my younger sister’s expressions, and sometimes in my own reflection.

Grief wasn't new to me before I lost my mum. I had already lost my cousin, who was like a big brother, and my American grandparents, with whom I was closest. But losing my mum was different. Grief now sits with me as a constant companion—sometimes quiet, sometimes unbearably loud.

While the summer of 2022 brought personal grief, many of us experience other kinds of loss: the grief of unmet expectations, ruptured relationships, financial instability, or collective tragedies. On June 13, 2022, my world changed forever. I couldn’t yet imagine how.

Years ago, I hired a wonderful manager who was caring for her sick, elderly mother. I supported her flexibility to prioritize caregiving. Her mom died during the early months of her joining the team. I attended her mother's funeral and adjusted expectations around her availability. Also, I recognized in the weeks after the funeral that she was grieving. At the time, I thought I was being inclusive. But after losing my own mother, I reflect: was I as inclusive as I could have been?

Losing my mum gave me a front-row seat to what inclusive leadership can look like—both the successes and the failures. Because grief is a universal human experience, learning to navigate our own grief and that of those we lead is part of becoming an effective leader.

The ways in which people checked in with me were very much culturally driven. My American friends and colleagues sent messages indicating I didn't have to respond but they were thinking of me. Many sent care packages, food baskets, and a few sent flowers. In contrast, when I got to Nigeria and Sierra Leone, I adjusted to people showing up at the house from first thing in the morning until evening. There, the focus was mourning with you and making sure you knew you were not alone.

Avoid comparisons. Avoid comparisons. Don’t measure someone’s grief against your own or others’—it undermines empathy. They say comparison is the thief of joy. I say it is also a thief of empathy and connection. Whether it is discussions of oppression and privilege or loss, a huge empathy miss is what feels like Suffering Olympics. At times, we seek to share our experiences as a basis to show commonality. This tactic is most often an empathy miss and fail. Avoid it.
Listen more, talk less. You don’t have all the answers. Sadly, our human tendency to fill in empty spaces pops its head up at all kinds of times. When it comes to grief and loss, we sometimes resort to faux theological encouragements or platitudes. What those who grieve need is space to be seen and heard, not the perfect words.

2. Offer Thoughtful and Tangible Support

Be specific. Instead of vague offers, ask how you can support them with concrete suggestions.
Follow through. Don’t offer help you can’t provide. Reliability builds trust.
Adapt your support. Grief looks different for everyone—ask what would be most helpful.

It is important to also note that the grieving person may not be taking time off when you expect it. My mom died on a Monday and I told my boss and partners I worked most closely with that I planned on traveling home on Thursday. It didn't work out that way. I showed up to work everyday for over a week and my team was concerned. While I understood their concern, it actually helped me to work during the times I was not filling out paperwork and figuring out visa information. I worked half days when I was out of the country as well. That is what worked for me.

Provide Organizational resources. You may need to provide organizational information like leave benefits.
Don’t treat grieving as weakness. I was told many times “stop crying,” or “be strong.” Crying or showing grief was seen as a weakness. I was also told to be strong because “God is in control,” as if a belief in God negated the human experience of grief and its expression. These comments were not only unhelpful, they were inconsistent with my values on emotional agility and toxic positivity.

3. Create A Safe and Inclusive Space

Normalize emotion. When people are grieving they sometimes do not know what they can share, what is welcome, and what isn’t. Let your team know grief and vulnerability are welcome. Name what is happening, and create space for people to be human.
Honor the individual and their grief. Sometimes people avoid those who are grieving because they do not know what to say, or the grief and pain of others make them uncomfortable. There is no schedule or script for grief. Respect each person's process. There is a powerful impact when one believes their leader cares about them as a person.
Communicate care. Don’t ignore the loss—acknowledge it. Avoid toxic positivity or platitudes.

4. Practice Flexibility and Compassionate Planning

One of the ways we indicate what our organizational culture truly values is how we handle people going through grief, loss, and change. Do we show grace to a high performer navigating a return from parental leave or experiencing a recent loss using a long-term relationship view? Or do we act as if people are machines and fixate on rigid notions of performance for temporary situations? The former creates loyal employees; the latter leads to attrition and disengagement.

Reevaluate priorities. Shift tasks and timelines where possible. Take a long view of employee value.
Be flexible about return to work/office. Recognize the limitations of traditional bereavement leave. In a day and time where many live in towns and states away from family, it is unfathomable to imagine planning a funeral, coordinating arrangements, and taking time to grieve in 3 days (most employers offer 3 -5 days in the US. We have no federal bereavement leave).
Respect privacy. When checking in, stay within appropriate boundaries, especially during medical or disability leave.

5. Care for the Collective and Yourself

Acknowledge collective grief. Tragedies impact communities—name it, make space for it.
Support while grieving. Sometimes, as leaders, we not only are helping people navigate grief, but we may be experiencing the grief ourselves as members of the community most directly impacted (e.g., as Black Americans after the murder of George Floyd, or parents of school-age kids after Uvalde). If you're also impacted, lead with authenticity and boundaries. How we lead is impacted by how we show up. And how we show up is shaped by our self-awareness and self-management, which includes self-care.
Invest in awareness. Take Mental Health First Aid or similar training. Know your organization’s resources and share them.

When You, the Leader, are Grieving

I have led through personal and collective grief: Pulse (2016), the pandemic, racial reckonings, school shootings. What about when you are the one grieving and you also are a leader? When I lost my mother, I took the same leadership principles and applied them to myself:

I communicated clearly and frequently. I informed my team and partners where I was, what I could manage, and time differences. They knew the weeks I was working part-time while abroad and when I would be back in the country and back to work.
I planned for continuity. My team and I identified priorities and created a written action plan to ensure things ran smoothly in my absence.
I made space for emotions. Incidents like losing a parent are some of the life events that test whether we will practice what we preach. I chose vulnerability in being honest with what I was experiencing—my regret and frustrations. I cried when I needed to. I didn’t feel regret when I laughed or had moments of pleasure. Vulnerability and honesty are key leadership components for building trust and connection. I didn’t pretend to be superhuman. I was honest.
I practiced self-compassion. he sad reality is that I had not been back to Nigeria in over 30 years. I hadn’t seen my mum in-person since 2008. Immigration barriers and COVID separated us. We planned a family celebration for December 2022, and it was to be the first time in over 30 years that our entire family would be together. She died six months before it. I wrestled with guilt and second-guessed my past decisions.

On one hand, the experience opened an awareness of the place of work in my life. I had thought I could never take two weeks off work and found myself taking two weeks to travel to Nigeria and Sierra Leone. On the other hand, I knew that what mattered most was how I moved forward. Leaning into the reality of being an immigrant building a family and career on a continent where your parents do not live invited self-compassion. Reminding myself that I had done the best I could, with what I had and knew at the time, allowed me to let go of the regret. We must intentionally choose the compassion we have for others for ourselves.

That reminder became my anchor.

Final Thoughts

You may have started this newsletter wondering: what does leadership have to do with grief? Everything.

Leadership is about showing up human-first. At times, I have failed at this. And at times, I have excelled. But I’m committed to growing.

In what ways have you seen leaders lead well through grief? How have you shown inclusion and belonging during someone’s time of loss? Because how we lead through grief says everything about how we value people.

I’d love to hear your stories.

Note: Leaders must be able to recognize signs of mental distress. Consider taking a Mental Health First Aid course. Know your employee benefits and EAP resources. Keep them handy to support your team.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

– Earl Grollman

If you are navigating grief that is impacting your ability to function and navigate daily functions, please seek help. Grief support is an option you can embrace without any guilt or shame.

For a perspective on another kind of grief and loss from chronic pain and illness, you can read my friend Neha Sampat’s powerful piece, here.

For an excellent read with research on bereavement leave that supports an inclusive and healthy workforce, you can read this article from LeanIn.

To better understand Emotional Agility and why it is important not just for our own personal and professional development but for our leadership, read Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David. You can also watch her TED talk, The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage, here.

👥 Let’s Talk Leadership in Action

If you’re ready to lead with more courage, empathy, and cultural fluency—even in life’s hardest moments—I’d love to partner with you.

Whether you're navigating organizational change, supporting your team through grief or transition, or building a more inclusive workplace culture, I offer customized training, executive coaching, and consulting to meet your needs.

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As we approach the end of Pride month, we find ourselves navigating continued attempts to roll back equality and inclusion of our LGBTQIA+ community members. Showing up as allies, advocating, and continuing to focus on ways to create safety for all remains an imperative.

MORE DELIGHT —

READ - The Personal Librarian, named Best Book of the Year by NPR captured my attention from start to finish. Authors Marie Benedict and Victoria Christopher Murray do an incredible job with this historical fiction. They introduce us to the powerful woman who built a lasting legacy, Belle da Costa Greene aka Belle Marion Greener, when she began curating the rare books and artwork for the Pierpont Morgan library. This is a story about history, justice, race, power, access, sexual freedom, and responsibility to family manifested in ways we may understand or not. Of note, this book about a Black woman who passed as white, was written by two women - one white and one Black. And yet, the authors did a great job capturing the nuances of race, and the privileges and dangers of passing.

What if a girl can navigate a gendered world, where women’s freedom is limited and their education cut off, as a boy? This is the journey Rahima takes in Kabul in 2007 in the powerful work of Nadia Hashimi. The Pearl That Broke Its Shell weaves old cultural practices, the reality of Afghanistan in the years around 2007, the cost and reality of wars, child marriage, the power of education, family history and legacy, gender equity, and crisscrossing between timelines to offer us a beautiful debut novel by Hashimi.

WATCHED - I binged Fubar on Netflix and let me tell you – it was terrible and delightful. It was perfect for watching while crocheting, especially if you are a Gen X’er like me who grew up with Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies. This action comedy series follows a father-daughter duo who are CIA operatives. Schwartzenneger was no terminator in Furbar and you likely will groan at the unending inside joke references to famous lines from his prior movies. But as the world seems to be on fire, it is light even if the story lines are implausible and some of the actors are terrible. Oh, apparently FUBAR stands for “Fouled Up Beyond All Recognition.” (Rated R)

MADE - Completed a wine colored crochet bag and used an existing canvas tote bag as the lining. I have not decided yet on how to embellish the handles if at all. Since I discovered the summer strawberry cake from Smitten Kitchen, I have made it a lot. It is simple to make and delicious. As with all recipes, I have made my tweaks.

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