Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
- 1 Cor. 13:4-7 -
“You two work so well together—what drew you to each other?” The question surprised me, and I struggled to answer. In a sense she was asking: Why did you guys get married? And the answer wasn’t We were insanely attracted to each other right away (we weren’t), or We wanted to find a best friend (I didn’t), or any of the typical Western approaches to love and romance. We do work well together, and we always have. So what drew Josh and me to each other? Maybe the initial observation is the answer: We work well together.
Our deeply shared common values, goals, instincts, and energy led us here. We both wanted God first, we both valued children and home, and we understood each other and complemented each other. I was a fire and he was a rock. Both strong-willed in our own ways, he was the first man I dated who could stand up to me. I respected him. He respected me. I didn’t want a weak man. He didn’t want a compromising woman. We found each other -- and couldn’t imagine life without the other person.
But that’s not what people usually want to hear in a love story. They want sparks! Romance! Passion and immediate attraction! And at points in our marriage, I too fell into the trap of wanting what the world said I should want. Were we doing something wrong, doing life this way? When marriage was hard (and it was, especially in years three to six), we both secretly thought we would be better off married to someone “easier” to live with. All the things that initially drew us to each other—the strong values and strong will—had a downside. People with strong wills aren’t easily bent. Marriage got very difficult; it got worse before it got better.
People said it was the kids—but it wasn’t. Kids don’t ruin marriages. Kids expose how bad your marriage already was. Kids force you to communicate about the things you were ignoring; they force you to acknowledge your own selfishness and entitlement, particularly toward your spouse.
Josh and I have been married going on twelve years. At this point in our relationship—in our mid-thirties—we’ve witnessed over a dozen Christian marriages end in divorce. When I was growing up, the people I knew who divorced (beyond family members) were either not Christians, in their fifties, or both. Now we’re watching Christians enter second marriages before the thirtieth birthday. While heartbreaking on every level, we know from personal experience how it happens. We could have been one of them. So why aren’t we? Here are a few things that I believe not only saved our marriage but led us out of our difficult marriage season into the relationship we have today.
We sought out church accountability and counseling before a marital crisis occurred.
From our wedding vows to today, Josh and I have prioritized being in a church community. And not just attending—we intentionally get involved right away. We do this by joining and leading bible studies, joining small groups, attending events, and even leading when appropriate (Josh is an elder). We are known by the churches we attend (and we’ve attended about six over the course of our marriage). Because we are known, we have a community who can recognize and help when we are in a tough season. But a “village” doesn’t spring up by accident. You have to intentionally sacrifice time and energy to cultivate that village.
In addition to organic community, we first went to professional counseling for our marriage when we couldn’t repair our disagreements naturally. We didn’t wait until the point of desperation. And even though we were wholeheartedly against divorce (except in cases of infidelity, unrepentant addiction, or physical abuse, none of which were occurring), we knew there was something deeper at play. Our LPC (licensed professional counselor), and later a biblical marriage coach helped us learn the skills for de-escalating arguments and addressing underlying emotions.
2. We fought (and fight) hard—but we reconcile quickly.
There are couples who just don’t fight. Maybe it’s their personalities. Maybe one spouse just doesn’t have as many opinions as the other and is fine with letting one lead. There is nothing inherently wrong with that dynamic—it’s just not ours. Josh and I have strong wills and strong opinions, and neither of us are quick to back down. And frankly, I don’t want a husband who accepts my every whim and desire; I want to know what he really thinks. Josh, too, wants to know what I really desire—not just my passive agreement. So if we’ve agreed not to be passive, we’ve also agreed to a lifetime of ongoing disagreement and reconciliation. Fighting is not the problem. How you repair it is. We disagree weekly. We fight. And then we repair—faster every time.
3. We stopped diluting our relationship with alternative activities and people.
When our marriage was in a tough spot I spent a lot of time with friends. Josh spent a lot of time playing video games. I hated the video games and used that time to get out of the house since we weren’t connecting anyway. This became a cycle of unhealthy distraction, alternative activities, and outside people (good people!) diluting our core relationship. Unhealthy relationship → lack of satisfaction → seek alternative fulfillment → relationship remains unhealthy.
Counseling helped us break the cycle, but we also had to slowly change our habits. I stopped traveling for ministry as much as I was. The COVID pandemic gave us a needed transition out of the habit of separate activities and forced us to really focus on each other. After it was over, we had broken the cycle. Those months without pressure to fulfill countless outside commitments, friend dates, hosting responsibilities, and volunteer opportunities led us to look to each other. I had used travel and friends to fill my void; he had used video games and screen time to fill his. Coincidentally (or not), 2020 is when Ivan was born and when Josh came home to join me in ministry full-time. I believe God used the pandemic’s lockdown limitations to draw us closer and help us let go of the people and things we used to “numb out.” The result was a much closer marriage, to the point we could live and work together 24/7 (which is actually quite hard to do).
4. We stopped blaming our upbringing and/or spouse for our behaviors—and chose to actively change.
Both Josh and I come from family cultures where expressing emotion—telling someone how you feel in a vulnerable way—was not normalized. We had to develop this skill! We also had to develop skills of communication, repentance, repair, affection, and a whole lot of other habits/behaviors that didn’t come naturally (or didn’t come naturally all the time). Marriage is a covenant. That means I can’t walk away from it when it gets hard; I have to face who I am inside that marriage and choose to change myself. Keeping track, holding grudges, measuring how much effort the other spouse is putting in—these things undermine any possibility of unity. No spouse wants to feel like they can’t get out from under a pile of past failures stacked against them. The un-pleasable spouse is a terrible one to live with. But to prevent that, every day we must bring our expectations to the Lord and release them to Him, giving the grace we want for ourselves to the person we married.
5. We kept Christ at the center—no matter what.
At the end of the day, the values that brought Josh and I together—our commitment to Christ, to family, and to the biblical ethics of honor and truth—are what kept us together in the hardest season. There were a quite a few months (even years) when our emotions weren’t there. We did not feel happy in marriage. But we were committed to Christ and His heart for the sanctity of marriage, and those values carried us through that wilderness season to the other side—a side where we are abundantly happy, free, passionate, and connected to one another. We are more connected now than we were before our children, and each of our children connects us more. Our strengths, which threatened to pull us apart in earlier years, are exactly the reason we can pull together in ministry today.
I share all this to encourage those of you who are in unhealthy, fragmented (but not abusive) marriages: there is another side. There is hope. As our friends and mentors Matt and Lisa Jacobson told us when we were struggling: “An excellent Christian marriage should be a normal Christian marriage, and yours is right around the corner.” Our mentors and friends held out a future we couldn’t see, our values held us to a path when our emotions weren’t there yet, and our faith in Christ’s healing power (and submission to His will!) led to a marriage that broke all kinds of chains.
You might still see us arguing. We’re like a hammer and steel: sparks often fly when they meet. But out of that conflict, a sword is formed, and swords win battles much bigger than themselves. There is no one else I’d rather fight alongside than Josh, and through our marriage, I’ve been shaped into someone I wouldn’t be without him. Imagine if we had given up too soon.
Stay tuned for Wednesday’s email when I’ll talk about spiritual leadership and three tips for understanding what churches teach about it.
