Dear friend,

I think one of the most jarring things you will ever be told is that you need to engage a funeral director.

 

You may be supporting someone as they slowly approach the end of their life, or you may be in deep shock at their sudden death. Either way, it’s so common to be so focused on the person and the circumstances, that we don’t think ahead to the next steps of planning a funeral.

 

We may know our person’s preference of burial or cremation. We may have even discussed venues or flowers or songs. But that act of picking up the phone and making the call is something we haven’t considered.

 

    Who do you call?
    How do you find the right funeral director?

    Who is the right funeral director?
    What do you need to know?

 

 

🔹 Don’t rush. Unless there are cultural or religious reasons to act quickly, you have time. Death is not an emergency.

 

🔹 Ask someone you trust to help make calls. This doesn’t have to fall solely on you. Delegate if you can.

 

🔹 Ask around. Medical staff, friends, or community networks can often give you names of local funeral directors others have used. They can’t always recommend one, but they can point you in the right direction. I have a wide network of funeral directors and can also help with a recommendation. Just hit reply.

 

🔹 Check how you feel. If you speak to a funeral director and something doesn’t feel right, it’s OK to pause or choose someone else. You are allowed to say, “Thank you, we’re still considering our options.”

 

🔹 Start a folder. This could be digital or a notebook. Keep track of names, quotes, preferences, and questions as they come up. It doesn’t need to be tidy, just centralised.

Eight years ago, I was told that jarring sentence myself.
     You need to engage a funeral director.

 

My mum had been unwell for a long time, and we knew she was dying. I guess I knew her funeral would take place in a church in the town we grew up in. But the actual act of calling a funeral director, of making those plans… it hadn’t even crossed my mind.

 

Her funeral was beautiful. There were beautiful moments that were a true reflection of her life. But there were moments where I felt like we didn’t have full agency over the process. That it was happening to us, not with us.

 

Not long after, I was studying to become a celebrant. During my training, I heard things like:

And I realised how much families deserve better.
 

I’m not saying all funeral directors or celebrants are like that. Many are wonderful, caring, and community-focused. But the system can feel very corporate, and unless you know what to ask or look for, it’s easy to feel powerless.

 

A gentle guide during these difficult times changes everything. It helps you find your way when nothing makes sense. A funeral done well has the power to help those left behind to accept and understand what has happened, and to begin processing their grief.

 

That is why I do this work. And why I’m writing to you now.

 

The more I work with people and witness the enormity of what lies ahead for them, the more I am compelled to share my knowledge and experiences to make this process as gentle as possible.

 

What’s next?
In the next edition, we’ll talk more about when to contact a funeral director, what to expect from that first call, and how to start the process gently and with confidence. If you would like to skip ahead to the next email, or revisit old ones, you can access them all here.

 

Until then, please know this:
   You are not expected to know what to do.
   You are not alone.
   And you are doing better than you think.

Rachel Bracken is an Independent End-of-Life Educator, Funeral Director and Celebrant, based in Ballina and servicing the Northern Rivers of NSW. If you would like to get in touch please respond to this email, call 0410 478 713 or visit rachelbracken.com