Setting boundaries with love, clarity, and less guilt
Dear friend,
Grief can feel heavy enough on its own. But when you’re also carrying the emotional weight of other people - their projections, their panic, their need to be useful - it can become exhausting.
Here’s something I want you to know:
You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings right now.
Let that land for a moment.
The well-meaning overwhelm
Most people don’t know what to do when someone is dying or has died. So instead of sitting with the discomfort, they try to fix it. That often looks like:
- “Tell me what I can do!”
- “You should do it this way…”
- “Have you thought about…?”
- “I don’t know how you’re coping, I’d be a mess!”
These people are not trying to be unkind. They’re just feeling helpless. And instead of dealing with their own discomfort, they hand it to you. Which only adds to your load.
Here’s what you can do instead:
✔️ Name what you need — or say nothing
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. But if it helps, try:
- “I appreciate you thinking of me. I’ll reach out if I need anything.”
- “Right now we’re just keeping things simple and quiet.”
- “I’m not up for decisions or advice right now.”
✔️ Appoint a buffer person
Choose someone who can speak on your behalf, answer questions, or filter messages. You do not need to be the spokesperson, administrator, and emotional anchor all at once.
✔️ Visualise a boundary
One client once told me she imagined a waterfall between herself and everyone else. The noise might come toward her, but it softened and never reached her heart. Use whatever image works for you - a wall of light, a quiet room, a set of noise-cancelling headphones. It helps.
✔️ Step back from your phone
If texts, calls, or group chats are becoming too much, it’s OK to go quiet. You are allowed to choose peace over politeness.
Other people’s projections
A serious illness or death can stir up grief in others, sometimes from their own past, sometimes from fears they have not yet faced. Without meaning to, they may begin to project that pain onto you.
They might share personal stories at the wrong moment. They might become visibly distressed and turn to you for comfort, even if they barely knew your person.
It is rarely intentional, but it can be deeply unhelpful, especially when your energy is already stretched.
Here are some gentle ways to create space when someone begins to make it about themselves:
- “I know you’re trying to help, but hearing these stories is a bit much for me right now.”
- “That sounds really hard. I wish I had the capacity to support you, but I need to protect my own space at the moment.”
- “I know this is bringing things up for a lot of people. Right now, I just need to stay focused on what’s in front of me.”
- “Thank you for sharing. I’m finding it really hard to take on anything extra at the moment.”
- “I appreciate your care. I’m doing my best to manage what’s already on my plate, so I’m keeping conversations really simple right now.”
- “It means a lot that you want to connect, but I need a little space today.”
- “I hear you. This is just not something I can hold for you right now.”
You are not being rude. You are taking care of yourself. And that is exactly what this time calls for.
This is a tender, sacred time
You don’t need to perform gratitude for every offer of help.
You don’t need to educate people on how to support you.
You don’t need to justify your decisions.
Protecting your space is not selfish. It is loving. For you, and for the person you are supporting.
Next time, we’ll talk about what comes after the funeral - the paperwork, the ashes, the quiet, and the wave of feelings that might arrive when the busy-ness ends. If you would like to skip ahead to the next email, or revisit old ones, you can access them all
here.
You are doing enough. I promise.
