Hey lovely First name / friend,
That last email sparked some great conversations both over email and in real life with many of you. I will summarise some of your thoughts back in our November email.
I'm scheduling this to send the day after I turned 50 - a milestone I am inexplicably excited about!
I've been working on these thoughts over the last couple of years. Here are some of the things I've learnt by 50, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
On LIFE
- Perhaps simply being alive is the meaning of life (do you know the odds of even being born?!)
- You and only you are responsible for your life – be courageous! Thinking for yourself is a radical act.
- Talking and thinking about death, regularly, helps me to really live. Try my Death Day and Running Obituary. None of us get out of here alive. Let that guide you each and every day.
- Slow down. Where are you rushing to? Not paying attention to the ordinary days of your life is a tragedy.
- Meditation has helped me truly be awake to the beauty and the joy in small things in life - I spent the last year joy seeking on purpose and it was the post-sauna feeling, a sunrise, a sleep in, the smell of morning coffee, rather than big things, that made me smile.
- When things are hard: this too shall pass. Actually, I work on accepting that phrase across every aspect of my life: everything will change.
- The best way to solve a tricky problem is to step away from it: walk, shower, swim, meditate, watch tv. You already know the answer, give your body the space to tell you. Trees also have the answers, talk to them often
- Most things are fixed with water You never regret a swim
- I was 49 when I understood that I and only I control my own diary. Start with what’s important to you and vigorously say no to what is not. Learn to say no comfortably.
On AGEING
10. This quote from Barbara Kingsolver inspires me: “Each decade that I’ve had is the best decade yet.” This version of you is the youngest and most vibrant you’ll ever be. You’ll look back on this time with awe. Don’t get caught in tropes of “old”
11. Think about how you want life at 60,70,80 - what lights you up and how are you going to live your Grandma/Grandpa Era? This year I learnt to make jam, so that’s definitely on the agenda. When I’m 60 I’m going to learn mahjong and join the Frigid Frogs winter swimming club.
12. I am so grateful that I got to be awkward (and I was oh, so, awkward) without social media. Pimple patches would have been great though.
On RELATIONSHIPS
13. Pay attention to the ones you love: being seen and heard is the greatest gift you can give
14. When full of anger or resentment, choose love when you can
15. Your happiness cannot depend on your children
16. Your kids don’t need you to leave them a lot of money
17. Wholeheartedly reject motherhood / parenthood as martyrdom. You deserve happiness and ease and peace too, no matter what’s going on with your kids
18. One of the best gifts you can give yourself and your children is to love the body you’ve been given. So much mental space clears up when you allow that.
19. Your happiness cannot depend on if you have a partner, or on your partner
20. And if you are partnered, your choice of partner will impact your quality of life immensely. You might not get it right first time
21. When you can, show up for your people when they are going through hard things. They will notice and it matters. Please don’t say things like everything happens for a reason, you only get what you can handle etc. While far less offensive but also annoying: let me know what I can do. Instead, take initiative and say: Can I drop over dinner Saturday / pick up the kids for a play date Sunday? Be specific and proactive.
22. Playing games is one of the most surefire ways for easy connection: we do Trouble and Memory with the grandsons, UNO and its variants with the kids, and more recently, Rummikub
23. A stranger is often just a friend you haven’t met yet
24. Make the effort to get people together, it’s always worth it
25. Mostly, people are doing their best and acting logically, even if it doesn’t feel that way.
26. The most troubled people in society usually have early family scars. Compassion always.
27. When you finish reading a book you love, package it up and send it someone you love. A total gift from the heart.
28. If you can, get a dog. Two in fact. They will bring you immeasurable joy.
On WORK and MONEY
29. Work is overrated, don’t take it so seriously.
30. Understand what financial security means to you and work towards that. One of the best gifts I’ve given myself is to remember “I have enough”
31. Waking up without an alarm is my definition of true freedom.
32. If you’re a leader of people, you are so privileged. Feel responsible for your team’s happiness and well-being at work.
33. Never apologise for asking a question or for a “dumb question” - you are not dumb my love. Also, I’ve counselled people for years not to say “just” ahead of a question - take up space and be unapologetic.
34. Speaking up about unfairness or inequity is the bare minimum
35. Work day trips are exhausting. If you can, group meetings together and do an overnight.
36. A phrase I say a lot at work: nice doesn’t pay the bills
37. A phrase I said to myself when I struggled with a tough work people issue (in a Godfather voice): it’s just business
38. One of my biggest work icks is presenters who keep stopping and begging for questions. Trust that your audience is adult enough to stop you and ask you their questions, if they have any. Stay in flow!
39. You can’t fix the world on your own. Choose one or two areas to focus your attention and any charity dollars you can spend. That said, push yourself to be generous - you won the birth lottery in so many ways.
On RANDOM THINGS
40. A Jaffle maker means you always have dinner
41. Nothing tastes better than a post-colonoscopy sandwich. The non-slip socks are almost worth the procedure too.
42. Don’t accept invites to cocktail events: it means no chairs
43. One of the most useful things you can own is a sticky tape dispenser
44. Packing a flask is always a good idea
45. There is a special place in hell for hotel designers who install hair dryers where you have to constantly keep your finger on the button to power it
46. All of us feel like dorks at the airport body scanner
47. Some foods might be amazing or they might be inedible at resultants: eggplant, Caesar salads and cinnamon buns
48. Never, ever semi-dried tomatoes. Sundried always.
49. Get the best trench coat you can afford - it will compensate for any questionable outfit underneath
50. If you’re sad, go and watch the automatic donut machine at donut king
