READER (Q): I tend to push people away by lashing out or erupting when I'm overwhelmed. Any advice on how to stop reacting like this?
HELEN (A): I love that you pinpointed the word ‘reacting’ because this is all about making a choice between reacting and responding. When we erupt and overreact, it's a symptom of anger, which is a symptom of fear.
So, ask yourself in the moment, “What am I most afraid of right now?” Perhaps it's the fear of being misunderstood or the fear of rejection, for example. From that place, you can have an open-hearted and vulnerable conversation with the person you're communicating with about how you feel from that honest and soft space. When you approach an argument from the heart space, defenses drop and real healing can happen. This should help you solve the issue at the root instead of at the symptomatic level.
READER (Q): Deep down I feel like I'm not living life as my most authentic self I still struggle a lot with people pleasing. But I don't even know who my authentic self is.
HELEN (A): You can figure out your ‘authentic code’ by understanding what your values are. When you know your values and your moral standards, decision making becomes a lot easier, peace becomes more consistent, and your confidence rises (resulting in less people pleasing and trying to prove yourself).
You can determine your values by noticing what you love about other people. For example: integrity, compassion, intelligence, freedom, etc. Furthermore, your authentic code gets revealed when you are PLAYFUL :) When do you have the most FUN? Is it outside in nature? Is it when you're singing? Is it being around lots of friends? Is it spending more time in solitude? When do you feel the most lit up?
READER (Q): I just quit my job and have savings for a few months to reconfigure my life and follow my passion but I feel unsure of what to do next and would be grateful for any input. I'm in the void right now.
HELEN (A): Ahhh yes, the void! The in-between. I would recommend getting a strong routine in place so that you feel a sense of consistency and predictability to combat the fear of the unknown. Right now, you get to be your own boss! It's both a privilege and a great responsibility. Determine a couple things related to your passion that you can work on every single day to turn your passion into a reality that can support you.
That might look like researching and reading about your passion to strengthen your position as an expert, or networking with people who are doing the same thing, or showing up online consistently.. determine what these two most important things are. Be gentle with yourself and make sure to take care of your mental wellbeing perhaps with EFT and walking and checking in with loved ones every day! It's both an exciting time, and an unpredictable time that asks for a lot of self-care and healthy routines in place.
