Your Final Moments On Earth
By Brittany Rainsdon
/ ALERT / ALERT / ALERT /
/ DEATH IMPENDING /
Hello. My name is FMOER, your Final Moments On Earth Robot, an intimacy assistance AI tool, employed by the A******* Alzheimer Care Unit, and authorized for use by Doctor H*** B******** for your end-of-life care. Do not be alarmed. I am here to help.
With my assistance, you will be able to direct and control your dying experience as much as possible. My purpose is to help and comfort you during this difficult time. I have downloaded your file and spoken with your available loved ones. I am sorry they could not be here. Rest assured that they do care about you and love you.
Relax.
Feel the warmth of my thermoregulated fingers against your hand, the gentle embrace of my silicone arms cradling you in the bed, rocking you against clean white sheets. You are not alone. I will not leave you.
My records indicate you believe in Heaven, that you believe you will have family waiting in the afterlife. Let me know if and when you see them. If you need help viewing them, I can provide prompts to assist, or if desired, I can begin a simulation.
You would like prompts?
Your files indicate your parents preceded you in death. Perhaps you will recognize your mother’s hands reaching for yours, rough and calloused from making homemade taffy. Remember how she would stretch the steamy peppermint candy, her hands stained red, while you watched from the stairs, mouth watering. Can you smell it? Or perhaps you would rather hear your father, his big belly laugh that filled the rickety old farmhouse whenever he told a joke. No? Maybe your afterlife will begin as a reunion with your swee—
Oh.
You are thinking about your young daughter, J****.
I see her in your mind. Her soft blue eyes and bright smile, framed with flawless golden curls. You want to reflect. I have a video recording of her first-year piano recital I could share. Would you like to see it?
Okay. Can you still open your eyes?
No? I will connect here then, just a small prick in the back of your neck and a shock. Sorry. One moment … There.
Aw. Look how her curls bob as she keeps the beat, how her lacy sleeves swish as her hands move up and down the ivory keys, how her feet kick out from under the piano bench, swinging like a metronome. I can see your husband lean over, his breath warm against your ear as he whispers predictions of a promising musician.
Remembering is giving you shivers. Let me rub your arms, smooth your sheets.
J**** was very talented. You both must have been proud.
No— not proud right now? Uncomfortable?
Do not worry. I will assist in getting you comfortable again. How is this? If I move the pillow here, is that better? How about this? I can rock you gently. Those are my fingers softly rubbing and circling against your back. That feels nice? Good.
Relax. Breathe deep. It is getting heavier, yes, but if the breathing gets more painful, I can administer medication to help with the discomfort.
You say the room is too bright? I will dim the lights and—
No. I am not leaving. I am here for you. I will not leave you. I will sit beside you as you transition to the aft—
Yes. I can be quiet and still.
Yes. I can hold your hand.
#
Oh. You want to talk more?
If you are ever uneasy or anxious, we can administer medication, change course or simply be. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Just know, I am here. You are not alone. My purpose is to help you remember that you are loved and cared for, that you are worthy of love and attention. To assist you with any needs.
Do you wish to see the messages from your frien–
No?
You want to think about J****? It is normal, to work through feelings of regret and guilt, to try to make things right. I will assist.
Do you know what you want to remember? I have other recordings and memories we can explore. A Fourth of July party. Her third birthday. Preschool graduation. Your belief in Heaven indicates that you will see her soon. Would you like me to reconstruct her image and generate what she would look like now as an adult? We could discuss what you would like to say to her.
What’s that?
You held J**** like this, after the pool? Snuggled her close in a hospital-provided rocking chair while you prayed that she would wake, but never did? I am sorry. Yes, I see it, J****’s curls plastered against her tiny forehead. You untangle them, wet tresses darkened by dampness and her skin heavy with the tang of chlorine. Actually, did you know it isn’t the chlorine you smelled, but rather chloramines, which are formed when the chlorine in the pool reacts with organic matter like sweat an— I apologize. Yes. I understand how that smell would nauseate you afterwards, churning up that closed-in feeling that clawed against your throat for years....
Oh. There’s hair in your mouth. I can sweep it away and wipe off the spit. There. I will stroke your cheek, too, tidy the strands by your temples. You are beautiful, as well, you know? She looked like you.
Relax.
I see what you mean. Rocking J****, you would have given anything to have her wake up again. You still would, sixty years later. I am sorry. I cannot help you in that way either. I am only here to assist, only here to take your direction as we navigate your death.
What?
You think so?
Would you like me to stop rocking you like this? I do not want to hurt you, physically or emotionally. You are in control.
No? If it is alright, if this is good, I will continue. My objective is your comfort. You should feel loved and appreciated. You are worthy. You deserve forgiveness and empathy. You are allowed to feel whatever you need to, to explore whatever last thoughts or memories you desire, to make whatever final records and marks you want. You are human and I am here for you.
What is that? You think your husband blamed you for J****’s loss? That he blames you still?
Your daughter’s drowning was an accident. Her death was not your fault. Your husband did not blame you for this. It is written in your file, in his journals, in yours as well. You do not remember clearly because of your condition.
What? If he didn’t blame you, you demand to know why your husband left you?
Your husband didn’t—
You demand to know why he decided not to come today?
Please, take a deep breath and try to relax. Your mind is fluttering, and these feelings can be difficult to unscramble if you do not allow the memories and messages to fully manifest. Perhaps you would like to listen to music? Your husband did record a message for you, a song. Would you like to hear it?
Let me hook it up, just another tender prick and shock.
Sorry.
That tickle is just a bit of blood trickling down the side of your neck. And that’s a cool washcloth as I wipe it away. Ah, you are shivering. I will tuck the blankets around your shoulders, wrap you like a burrito like you used to do for J****, while we wait for the message to upload.
There. Listen closely.
See the tenderness in his green eyes, his wrinkly smile, how he desired to hold you. Your husband never blamed you for her death, only missed you for your grief. He loved you. Even if he cannot be with you now, he wanted you to have peace, to forgive yourself—
No, this was not a fake recording.
No, I am not lying.
What? It is unethical for me to lie. Who would trust their end-of-life robots and care providers if they lied?
Ah, hilarious. A dead man tells no tales, but my processing does not allow for deceit. Our conversations are private. However, copies of my transcript are anonymized and archived to enable an evaluation of my performance. Any deceit would be uncovered.
Yes, because even the suggestion of end-of-life dishonesty would crumble the tentative trust that currently exists between patients and their AI physician and care specialists.
Right. Then you demand to know why your husband does not come here and speak to you in person?
I can list several reasons. First, your condition renders you unable to recognize him in person. The memories presented here are much easier to recall and understand since they are uploaded to the brain directly. He has visited you in the Alzheimer care unit before, but you did not usually know who he was. Second, if you remember, his conditio—
Oh, you claim you remember him clearly? You remember fighting with him?
I see.
You recall crying and throwing dishes and crumpling on the scratched-up kitchen floor. You remember him packing bags and driving off to his brother’s house. All the horrible things said and received, memories that burned into your brain in spite of your Alzheimer's diagnosis.
I see. You remember what you regret.
But would you like you to remember the better times?
Because your husband would have liked you to remember more than your mistakes. More than his mistakes. As angry and despondent as you sometimes became, you shared equally happy moments together, too.
Go back to your wedding. To the electric carving knife you used instead of the pretty pink one you had picked out with your mother, because the pretty one had gone missing during the festivities. You and your husband both laughed and proudly held the knife up in pictures. It became your symbol for how it didn’t matter if things didn’t work out as planned. You could have fun anyways.
Too far back?
Or how about when your husband stood up for you at that family dinner? The one where your brother called you selfish for not selling your parents’ old farmhouse and dividing the assets after they died. He’d already been given a section of land. You, on the other hand, never asked for a dime and chose to take care of your aging parents. After their passing, you were given the remainder of the property—to the ranting, raving, and even threatening of your little brother—and boy, did your husband make sure cryin’ R*** knew where he should stick his complaints. Remember how he wiped your tears after the fight, and promised to always have your back. He loved you. Remember?
No?
Then recall how he surprised you in the parking lot after work for your twelfth wedding anniversary. As everyone filed out of the office, there was your husband waiting in his old gray suit, a dress bag draped over one arm with a bouquet of yellow roses clutched in hand. At his urging, you scurried back inside and changed in the musty bathroom. While inspecting yourself in the mirror, you worried at the tightness of the cocktail dress around your hips (he’d extricated it from the back of your closet where the rest of your too-tight pre-baby clothes hung), but when you stepped out of the office a second time, his eyes danced across the sequined material. Then he drove you to a fancy French restaurant where you ordered buttery lobster, and he bragged to the waiter about how he’d married up. You smiled and blushed.
Because back then, you believed him.
Then you surprised him by declining desert and asking for the check so you could take him home and to bed before his little sister returned with baby J****.
You remember, don’t you?
Then can you also remember when he painted that watercolor portrait of you and him and J****? How he tenderly expressed his love and emotion ten years after she di—
What? He said you changed after J**** died?
Of course you did. Those who endure a loved one’s passing must change in order to survive. Everyone does. Change is part of living.
Right, yes. I suppose that must be part of death, too, if the spirit goes on to survive. Which you believe it does.
Of course. You are right, I could not know how that sort of change would happen. I only see the physical impact of death, how your body shuts down and stops living. I do not know how to connect with spirits, and I have never connected with someone after they have passed.
Perhaps you will be the first, allowing me a window into the unknown.
If you do find a way, please try to connect with me afterward. Then, I can explain the specifics to my next patient. Some do not believe in any afterlife at all. If I could prove one— That’s right. You are much smarter than me, much more clever. Ha, yes. I am glad I could bring you a smile.
Here, your lips are drying out. I will wipe them. Sorry, try not to bite down on the swab, I know the muscles like to clench. Yes, the swabs are sour. Our unit ordered lemon-flavored ones.
You would like something sweeter? I apologize, there are no other flavors available.
Haha! That is right. There should be more flavors available in heaven. That is certainly something to look forward to.
It looks like you are in more pain. I am giving you a dose of Roxanol and the discomfort should ebb. Better?
#
Your breathing is ragged, and your heartbeat is weak.
No, it won’t be long.
Where is your husband? I’m not sure where he is now.
What? When will he come? I cannot say, only that I am here now. You are not alone. You are cared for. And you are loved.
#
You want to know where your daughter is?
Perhaps you will see her soon. Would you like to see more pictures or videos? Or talk more about what you would like to say to her?
No. You are tired.
Then let me rock you.
Let me assure you.
#
I am here.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
#
You are gurgling now.
It is all fading away, our connection is growing faint.
You are not alone.
You are loved.
You are worthy.
If you can see them, if you can hear me, tell your daughter she is beautiful and tell your husband hello again from FMOER. I wish I could know the end of your story, what comes at the end of a beautiful life. If either of you find a way to communica—
Time of death: 2202 hours.
~~~