WHAT MY MOTHER AND I DON'T TALK ABOUT

It was not until my father passed in December 2017 that I became aware that I had some unknowingly suppressed, unspoken, not-so-good feelings and thoughts about my mom. It was completely unexplainable why this was revealing itself at that time, but I started to see certain behaviors and patterns in my mother that I resented and judged, present in me. I also began to see her as a woman, a person, no longer through the eyes of a child who only saw her as mommy, but as a woman who lived her life and made decisions that I was not aligned with.

 

During this time in my life, I was 37 and deep into my personal development while coaching other women in their personal development journey. I was getting clear about who I wanted to be and what needed to change within myself to have the life I wanted. As I began to heal and mature into the woman I wanted to be, I developed even more resentment because what I needed from my mom, what I wanted my mother to be, she was not, and years later, I surrendered to the truth that she will never be.

 

There are sooooooooo many salty-sweet layers and years to this story, but I want to jump to when my soul was begging me to do something with these revelations and muted feelings.

 

It was the fall of 2023 when I walked into a bookstore. The door had not closed behind me before my eyes landed on a bright pink book with bold yellow letters. The title damn near smacked me in the face!

 

I snatched the book off the shelf and cracked it open. What my eyes read had me rushing to the counter to pay for it. The funny thing is, it sat in my book basket for over a year before I picked it up to read it!!!!!!!! But when I did, I understood I was not alone.

 

At the time of purchasing this book, I was at the height of my conflicted relationship with my mom. Loving her deeply, at times having grace and compassion, wanting to protect her, understanding her story as to why she was the way she was, all while angry, at times embarrassed, feeling guilty for wanting to take a break from her and be selfish. Having a need, a need for the kind of mother I felt I needed in my 40s, and accepting that she could not be this figure I was seeking was a hard reality to accept.

 

In my need to give sound to my feelings and make sense of it all, I would share my feelings with friends and family, and all I kept hearing were things such as, “She did the best she could do,” “Look at how she grew up,” “Your mother would be hurt to know you feel this way,” “Look how hard she had it,” “Look at what sacrifices she made for you,” “That is your mom, you only get one,” etc. And when I tried to talk to her about it, she could not hold space for me. Those conversations were filled with denial, deflection, justification, and bringing up what she did not have or what she had been through.

 

Looking back on it, maybe it was just too hard for her to accept how her child felt, and not knowing what to do about it, maybe the easy thing to do was not deal with it. While I knew it then, and I know it now, she loves me deep in her soul, and if she could be what I needed, she would. 

 

But not having a place to unload these feelings made my heart feel like it was on fire.

ON FIRE

because everywhere I went to address these feelings, it was all about her, and how dare I even feel this way? The feeling of anger grew, and I was in a season where her story was no longer important to me. I had my own story. I was 44, and my life, my feelings, my needs, and my experiences were what I cared about. My soul needed healing, I needed to grow, and dammit, I had a voice, and I was going to exercise it somehow. I stopped talking about it with my family and friends and partnered with a life coach, using our time together to say allllllllllll the things I needed to say without guilt or censorship. I used that space to explore the awareness and observations I made about my childhood messages that followed me into my adulthood. Telling the truth felt like a million pounds lifted off me. I had a sense of relief and freedom.

 

My mother and I have been able to have some uncomfortable and painful conversations within the last year and work through some really tough stuff. While we have had those heart-wrenching conversations, we are still learning daily how to be in a relationship as two adult women who happen to be mother and daughter. 

 

Some things will remain unsaid. And the decision to leave some things unspoken was and is a decision made from a healed and healthy place. The healing and relief I received did not come from having the conversations with my mom. It came from being able to tell the truth to someone, work through those feelings and experiences, and accept what is, knowing it was and is not personal. 

 

As a 45 year old woman, navigating this thing called life. I understand her story and have great empathy. I no longer have questions or need her to be something other than what she is, a woman who loves me with every fiber of her being.  

 

Little did I know that, through my journey of healing my mommy wounds and learning a new way to dance in life with her, I would create a space in my own life coaching practice for adult daughters to have the opportunity to tell their truth.

 

I invite you to join me on Thursday, December 4, 2025, as I facilitate a virtual 90-minute conversation workshop on What My Mother And I Do Not Talk About.

 

With Love,