T'is the Season.  For Stress.  And Gift Giving.

Don't skip Kory's GIANT gift list below! (with links!)

When Holiday Gift-Giving Feels More Like a Performance Review: A Guide for Neurodivergent Adults

 

If the holidays feel more like a performance review than a celebration this year, you're not alone.

 

I'm hearing it from clients across the board: "I'm not feeling the joy this year." The economy is terrifying. Job security feels like a joke. The cost of everything has skyrocketed. And on top of all that very real stress, we're supposed to navigate the intricate social choreography of gift-giving season with a smile on our faces.

 

For many autistic adults, gift-giving isn't just stressful, it's a minefield. It's a performance where the rules are unspoken, the stakes feel impossibly high, and there's no rubric to tell you if you've passed or failed. You're supposed to somehow predict what people want, match their level of thoughtfulness and expense, give gifts to exactly the right people, and then…gasp… receive gifts gracefully while making the correct face and saying the right words at the right volume with the right amount of enthusiasm.

 

No wonder we're exhausted before December even starts.

Let me be clear: if you're dreading the holidays, if gift-giving feels more like an obligation than an opportunity for connection, if you've been spiraling about whether that $30 candle is "enough" or whether your homemade gift will look cheap… welcome.  I'm going to help you navigate it anyway.

 

The Reciprocity Problem: Why Gift Exchanges Feel So Loaded

 

Here's what nobody tells you about gift-giving: it's not actually about the gifts. It's about unspoken social reciprocity rules that neurotypical people seem to absorb through osmosis, and the rest of us are left trying to reverse-engineer from incomplete data.

 

The anxiety spiral goes something like this:

And here's the thing that makes this particularly brutal for autistic adults: we WANT to do this well. We want to show people we care. We want to nail the perfect gift that makes someone's face light up. But the weight of all these invisible rules and the fear of miscalculating turns what should be joyful into something that feels like a high-stakes social exam where you never got the study guide.

 

Add to that the fact that many of us struggle with perspective-taking…not because we don't care, but because predicting other people's preferences and emotional responses is genuinely harder for us…and here we are at the shit show of all holiday shit shows.

 

The performance anxiety of receiving gifts deserves its own paragraph. Someone hands you a wrapped box, and suddenly you're on stage. You have to open it at the right speed (not too slow…boring! not too fast…ungrateful!), make the right face (surprised! delighted! not TOO surprised), say the right words with the right level of enthusiasm, and do all of this in real-time while people watch your reaction.

 

It feels like a demand. Because it IS a demand. "React now. React correctly. Show me sufficient gratitude. Prove you appreciate this."

 

For those of us who mask heavily or struggle with spontaneous emotional expression, this moment can feel like torture. And then we're left feeling guilty because someone did something nice and we couldn't perform gratitude "right," even though we ARE grateful, we just needed time to process and respond authentically instead of performing on command.

 

What Gifts Actually Are (And Aren't)

Let's take a breath and recalibrate. Here's what a gift actually is:

 

A gift is a gesture of connection. That's it. It's a way of saying "I see you" or "I thought about you" or "You matter to me."

Here's what a gift is NOT:

The entire gift-giving industrial complex wants you to believe that love is measured in dollars and that connection requires perfect execution. That's capitalism talking, not truth.

 

When I think about the gifts that have genuinely moved me over the years, they share something in common: they made me feel SEEN. Not impressive. Not expensive. Not elaborate. Just... seen.

 

My favorite coffee mug in a new seasonal color. A pizza-making class at my favorite restaurant. My favorite pens in a jumbo multicolor pack. A photo shoot so I could actually be in pictures with my kids for once. A delivery of overpriced Jeni's ice cream on a day I had no time to celebrate.

 

I will remind you that my husband has freaked out exactly twice over gifts: personalized cartoon-face stickers for his sourdough bread bags and a blowtorch for burning weeds out of the sidewalk.

 

What do all of these have in common? They weren't expensive or elaborate. They were specific. They showed that someone was paying attention to what lights us up, what makes us smile, what makes our lives a little easier or more joyful.

 

That's the bar. Not perfection. Just attention and care.

 

Let's break down what makes a gift feel meaningful. These aren't rules - they're patterns I've noticed over years of watching what actually resonates with people. Use these as a starting point, not a checklist:

 

1. They're Thoughtful A thoughtful gift reflects something you know about the person. It could be a nod to their favorite hobby, a shared inside joke, or something they mentioned in passing months ago. Thoughtfulness shows you're paying attention, and that's what really matters.

 

Pro tip: Many ND adults keep a note on their phone throughout the year of gift ideas that come up in conversation. "Oh, Sarah mentioned she's been wanting to try embroidery" - into the note it goes. Come December, you've got a ready-made list instead of decision paralysis.

 

2. They're Homemade There's something undeniably special about a gift you've made yourself. Whether it's a piece of art, a batch of cookies, a craft, sourdough bread, or even a playlist, homemade gifts carry the weight of time and effort - and that's priceless.

 

And here's the thing about homemade gifts in a financially stressful year: they're often MORE valuable than store-bought items because they represent your actual time and attention. A batch of your famous cookies or a hand-knitted scarf isn't "cheap" - it's generous.

 

3. They're Things You Already Like Sharing something you personally love can make a gift incredibly personal. Whether it's your favorite book, a comfort item you swear by, or a new gadget that makes your life easier, it's like inviting someone into your world. "This thing brings me joy, and I want you to have it too." 

 

4. They're Things the Recipient Didn't Know Existed Novelty gifts can be delightful. Introducing someone to a product, experience, or idea they've never encountered before shows creativity and care. Think quirky kitchen gadgets, niche books, unique sensory items, or weird internet discoveries that perfectly match their sense of humor.

 

5. They're Sentimental A sentimental gift often ties into a shared memory or meaningful moment. It could be a framed photo, a handwritten letter, or a memento from a favorite trip. Sentimental gifts remind people of the bond you share and say "this memory matters to me."

 

6. They're an Updated Version of Something the Recipient Already Loves If someone has a favorite item that's seen better days - like a worn-out hoodie, a beloved mug with a crack, or a scratched vinyl record - an upgraded or replacement version can be the perfect gift. It shows you've noticed and care about their comfort.

 

7. They Make Life Easier Practical gifts are criminally underrated. An ergonomic chair, a meal subscription service, a high-quality travel mug, or even a really good can opener can show you're thinking about their daily life and how to make it better.

 

Sometimes the best gifts are the ones that make you think, "Wow, I didn't realize how much I needed this." Whether it's a gadget to streamline daily tasks or an item that addresses a specific challenge (like a weighted blanket for someone who struggles with sleep, or noise-canceling headphones for someone who's sensory-sensitive, or an electric boxcutter for someone who hates recycling day), these gifts feel like thoughtful solutions.

 

8. They're an Adventure Waiting to Happen Experience-based gifts - like tickets to a show, a cooking class, a nature outing, or even a "let's go get coffee and catch up" date - create opportunities for joy and connection. These gifts say, "Let's make memories together."

Bonus: experiences don't create clutter, which many autistic people deeply appreciate.

 

9. They Show Respect for Someone's Identity A gift that acknowledges and celebrates who someone is…whether it's related to their cultural background, neurodivergence, gender identity, or personal values, this lands deeply because it makes them feel seen and understood.

 

This might look like: a book about late-diagnosed autism for your newly-diagnosed friend, art from a queer artist for your queer loved one, or a donation to a cause they care about in their name.

 

10. They Expand on Something You Already Know They Love Think about what the person already enjoys and find a way to build on it. Do they have a favorite author? Look for a new release or a related book. Are they into a specific hobby? Consider accessories, upgrades, or related tools.

 

This is one of the easiest categories because you're not guessing…you're building on confirmed interests. If someone loves their French press, get them fancy coffee beans. If they're obsessed with their weighted blanket, get them a weighted eye mask. You're not reinventing the wheel; you're adding a spoke.

 

Okay, let's get tactical. Here's how to actually get through gift-giving season without losing your mind:

 

Direct communication is your friend. I know we've been socialized to believe that asking what someone wants "ruins the surprise" or seems lazy, but that's nonsense. Asking is respectful. Asking is efficient. Asking prevents waste and disappointment.

 

•"Hey, I want to get you something you'll actually love. What's on your wishlist this year?"

•"I'm trying to be more intentional with gifts. Are there any experiences or items that would make your life easier right now?"

•"I'm doing homemade gifts this year to save money and reduce waste. Is there anything you'd love that I could make - like baked goods, crafts, or something else?"

•"I'm setting a $20-30 budget for gifts this year. What's something in that range you'd genuinely enjoy?"

•For family gift exchanges: "Can we do a Secret Santa with a spending limit this year? With everything going on financially, I think it would take the pressure off everyone."

 

Amazon wishlists, Pinterest boards, “gift guides for teenage boys who have everything." Use them all!  There is no prize for figuring it out on your own. Work smarter, not harder.

If someone doesn't have a wishlist, send them one and say, "I made this for myself in case anyone asks. Want to trade lists?"

 

Decision fatigue is real. Create a system and stick to it:

A heartfelt, specific card or note is a legitimate gift. I'm serious.

 

"I've been thinking about how much your friendship has meant to me this year, especially when..." 

 

and then you write something real and specific. That's a gift. That's connection. That's the whole point.  Optional: You can pair it with something small (fancy tea, a candy bar they love, a lottery ticket) or let it stand alone.

 

If you can't participate in gift exchanges this year, whether due to money, bandwidth, or just not wanting to…say so early and clearly.

 

•"I'm not doing gift exchanges this year. My bandwidth is maxed out, and I want to actually enjoy the holidays instead of stressing about gifts. I hope you understand."

•"I'm keeping things really simple this year due to budget. Let's just enjoy time together instead of exchanging gifts."

•"I'm focusing on experiences instead of physical gifts this year. Can we plan a coffee date in January instead?"

•"I'd love to opt out of the gift exchange this year, but I'm happy to participate in other holiday activities."

 

You don't owe anyone an elaborate explanation. "I'm keeping it simple this year" is a complete sentence.

 

Here's your permission slip: You don't have to participate in every gift exchange. You don't have to make the holidays bigger than your nervous system can handle.

It's okay to:

The point of the holidays is supposed to be connection, rest, and joy. If the traditions are getting in the way of that, you're allowed to change the traditions.

 

Gift-giving doesn't have to be a high-stakes test. It's not about perfection or predicting someone else's every desire or performing gratitude on demand. It's about connection.

 

Whether your gift is practical, quirky, homemade, or store-bought, the best gifts come from a place of care. And if you're still feeling overwhelmed? Remember this: the thought really does count.

 

In a year when everything feels heavier, when budgets are tighter, when joy feels harder to access, be gentle with yourself. You're allowed to scale back. You're allowed to ask for help. You're allowed to do less.

 

And to everyone reading this who's been spiraling about whether they're doing it "right"…you probably already are. The fact that you care enough to worry about it means you're not the thoughtless gift-giver you fear you might be.

Give yourself the same grace you'd extend to someone else. That's a gift too!

 

 

 

You've got this.