Experiments & Spice 

Last week, someone wrote back about the Milky Way image (below!) and said something that stuck with me: "I'm always acting weird, but isn't everybody else, too? Who cares!"

 

I loved that. It's the opposite of shame. It's just... humans being human.

This week I want to talk about something your nervous system has been doing brilliantly—and something that's also the #1 reason you might be burned out, even though you're doing everything "right."

 

This week's “Jump to Recipe”: Why Passive Aggression Is the #1 Driver of Burnout (And What to Do About It)

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In case you missed it → Last week's blog post was a biggie: If you're the default parent and exhausted, want something different for your 2026, check out this Ultimate Default Parent's Survival Guide I wrote for you.

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Psst: Feeling stuck is a really common sign of passive aggressiveness and hidden anger (you can be passive-aggressive with yourself, not just others). 

 

If you're confused, stuck, overwhelmed, and just need some help taking the next step, consider The Next Right Step a single session that turns random motion into meaningful momentum.

 

 

You probably think you're burned out because you work too much. Or because your boss is unreasonable, or your kids are demanding, or your industry is impossible.

 

Here's what I've learned: that's usually not what's happening.

 

The #1 driver of burnout isn't hours worked. It's not values misalignment or fairness issues or any of the six factors burnout researchers cite. It's what your nervous system learned to do to keep you safe.

 

Your nervous system learned early: manage your emotions. Keep the peace. Don't make waves. These lessons made sense. They probably protected you. They helped you secure the love, safety, or connection you needed to survive.

 

The problem is you're still operating in that survival mode.

 

Think of it like the Hoover Dam holding back the Colorado River. You're not just bracing against the pressure. You've built a system of tiny, controlled releases—being late, "forgetting," doing things slowly, closing doors a little harder, sarcastic comments, nitpicking. Just enough to let off steam so the dam doesn't break.

 

But the water keeps building, and those flow mechanisms aren't built by sophisticated engineers, managed with NASA-level precision. They're managed by YOU, an increasingly unprecise, stressed-out, frazzled, snappy human. 

 

And the energy it takes to maintain this system—to manage emotions you won't let yourself feel, to keep the peace through a thousand tiny rebellions that change nothing, to stay in survival mode 24/7—that's what burns you out.

 

Not because you're doing something wrong. Because your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do. 

 

→ Want the full breakdown? About a month ago, I began collecting a list of passive-aggressive behaviors I noticed in myself (🙈 so many!) and others. 

 

Many of them we think of as “good behavior” or “my personality”… uhg.

 

I wrote about how these survival strategies work, where they come from, the Hoover Dam metaphor, and how tiny releases prevent real change, all the ways they show up (emotional, relational, physical, behavioral), and what actually shifts when you see the pattern clearly.

 

 

You're doing what kept you safe for years and years and years. These are hard-wired patterns, and they're common, which is why many of us get stuck in them and don't notice.

 

But they're draining you. Check the full list at the post to see how many resonate.

This week, I want you to notice when you catch yourself in these patterns: managing someone else's emotions, keeping the peace at your own expense, doing tiny things to let off steam without addressing what's actually wrong.

 

Don't judge it. Don't shame yourself. Just notice it.

 

Then sit with the feeling underneath. Let yourself actually feel the anger (or the resentment, or the frustration). Don't think about it. Feel it. Move it however your body needs to.

 

Because here's the thing: moving anger is like an everything shower—but really hot. It clears you. It lightens you. It washes away what's been building up under the surface.

 

Redwood pinecones don't open without intense heat. Native tribes used controlled fire to clear the forest floor and create conditions for growth. Forests naturally burn to stay healthy. Your nervous system is the same. You need this fire. Not constantly. Not destructively. Just regularly, intentionally, completely.

 

Think of it as self-care that actually clears deadwood instead of just making you smell nice for a while.

 

Then ask yourself: What do I need to do next?

 

Not: what should they do differently? 

Not: how do I make them understand? 

Not: why are they like this?

 

Just: what do I actually need to do? What's my move?

 

**Please take a slanty eye to answers that sounds like "nothing, I'm actually fine, no action required!**

 

If clarity comes—if you suddenly know what you need to do—that's the sign you moved something big.

 

If clarity doesn't come, if the same stories keep looping, that's also information. There might be grief under the anger. Fear. Hopelessness. Sadness. Those need to move too.

 

When did this pattern first start protecting you? What does it look like? Hit reply and tell me. I love our community and its stories

Fun Freebies – Podcast! 

One thing parenting taught me is that I can (literally) never be alone and still feel… very lonely. 

 

Mom groups weren't my thing (which I later realized was because I had SO MUCH BAGGAGE about being a mom and not my "cool" childfree self, oh my LORD). 

 

Anyway, this isn't just about making friends as a parent; it's about making friends as an adult, which is, for many of us, a skill. You can't just dare someone to climb a rockface with you or say “hey, I like your scrunchie” and become best friends anymore.

 

You're busy. You live far away. You have JOBS. Your space isn't big enough to host. People flake. It's awkward. It's inconvenient. The couch is comfy. You DESPISE small talk.

 

I get it. And, there will always be excuses. You just need new skills for this phase of life.

 

Onward and awkward! (a personal motto, as my Smith Crewbies know)

 

Here's the thing about New Year's energy: people do wake up thinking about change.

If you know someone who's stuck—burnt out, overwhelmed, feeling like they can't do this anymore—forward this email.

 

 Or better yet, send them my way for a single session to map what's actually happening and find their next move.

 

And if you want to refer someone who's ready for the full reset? I'm extending the referral bonus through January 9th: $400 credit toward coaching, plus your friend gets 20% off. (After that, the discount expires.)

 

It's a gift, not a sales pitch. You're giving someone permission to get help they probably didn't know they needed.

 

When people first come to me, they don't use the word burnout. They say:

Stress is sneaky. It doesn't just make you tired. It actually blinds you to what's stressing you. 

 

It whispers that you're fine, you can handle this, you don't need anyone. It convinces you that asking for help means you're weak. 

 

 

Not a therapist analyzing you. Not a friend offering advice. But someone trained to see what burnout has made invisible, and someone who can craft a path your nervous system never would've trusted on its own.

 

First, you have great taste in friends 😉

 

Second, return the favor and sign up here

Trying your best but still feel spread thin? I guide purpose-driven people, especially working parents and caregivers, especially those in neurodivergent families, from overwhelm to focused impact through speaking, workshops, and 1:1 coaching. 

 

Transform exhaustion and scattered effort into natural flow, build better relationships, reclaim your energy, and set boundaries – guilt-free. 

 

It's bigger than burnout: My coaching and tools help you thrive emotionally, build healthier relationships, and contribute deeply to the world—just as you authentically are. 

 

Ready to rediscover who you're meant to be? Book a free call to begin your journey from depletion to meaningful impact.