Hi friends!
As I’m writing this, we’re having an unusually spring-like day for February in Michigan. It’s pushing 60°, and it’s putting me in the mood to tackle some springtime chores around my house. That got me thinking about how differently my husband and I usually think about what needs to get done. Even if we both agree to clean out the garage, we don’t think the same way about how to do it. He will have his ideas of what we should focus on, and I’ll have a totally different idea, and we end up having a battle of wills. This can make “teamwork” feel frustrating and not much fun. Not tooting my own horn or anything (softly toots horn), but I tend to think that I have the upper hand on planning and logistics. He’s good at a lot of things, but letting him take the lead on a project was painful (and I’m going to be honest, it sometimes still is. I’m human). But I’ve been using a simple phrase to help center me in this kind of situation, and many others that pop up in my marriage, and I’m going to share it with you now.
“Check the Loop”
When I spent several years trying to learn how to improve my own marriage, I came across a lot of advice, systems, tricks, books, podcasts, seminars, programs, you name it, that shared information on how to have a great marriage. Some of it was awesome and super helpful. Some was awful, and actually more hurtful than helpful. It ran the gamut from one extreme to the other.
Sifting through all of this information and trying to find what could actually help me was like an experiment whose results determined how my marriage was going to go. Honestly, it was a bit overwhelming. I’m super thankful that at some point in the process, I was able to talk to my husband about what I was trying to do (I think he was relieved because I had been trying a lot of stuff, and I’m sure he thought I was losing it), and he was happy to give me input on how things landed. His feedback was so very helpful in deciding what worked and how to move forward. I collected what worked, made tweaks, and filled in some blanks to come up with how I now live out my marriage, and, in turn, what I teach to my clients.
I identified two groups of behaviors and actions from all that I learned: the ones that hurt my marriage, and the ones that help my marriage, and with those two groups, I created The Division Loop™ and The Connection Loop™. Loops because these things are often, or can become, continuous patterns that repeat over and over. And also, I needed an easy way to check myself in the moment. Creating behavior loops made it easy for me to “check the loop”. And I still will stop myself mid-thought and silently say, “Check the loop.”
This has helped me so much because it gives me a space to pause before I speak or act. And checking the loop doesn’t always mean I’m in the wrong. It means I’ve identified a feeling or emotion that I need to clarify. I used to be super emotionally reactive, so checking the loop saves me from reacting and gives me those precious moments I need to respond. It’s been so helpful.
How do I use these “loops”?
Below you’ll see the stunning visual I created to illustrate these two loops, and what lives inside of them. The goal is to check in with your thoughts. Don’t act or speak until you’re in the connection loop. You don’t even need to memorize every single thing in either loop to know which one you’re in. In a moment when you would normally say something unkind, controlling, from a place of annoyance, or about something that’s in his lane, pause, and “re-loop”.
If your thoughts are in the division loop, even if you’re not about to act or speak, even if he’s not around, shift it! Sitting in the division loop, even in thought, will still cause… division. That’s why it’s called the division loop. Stay outta that thing!
