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April  2026
Off-loading Hurt
Anger is a powerful emotion that is often ignited by a sense of injustice. Our anger can serve as a catalyst for courage, love, change, compassion, or justice. When we hold on to anger without tapping into its power to transform, it can crush our spirit, and even make us exhausted or sick. For most of us, anger can also mask difficult experiences like grief, regret, or shame. In most cultures, it’s more acceptable, and sometimes psychologically and physically safer, to be angry than to express sadness, fear, or vulnerability.Â
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Off-loading hurt describes the various unproductive ways that we discharge emotion when we are trying to avoid feeling it.
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Chandeliering: The hurt is packed so far down that it can’t possibly resurface. A seemingly innocent comment sends you into a rage or sparks a crying fit. A small mistake triggers a huge shame attack. Constructive feedback hits a tender place and you jump out of your skin.
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Bouncing Hurt: Using anger, blame, and/or avoidance when getting too close to emotion. Anger: “It’s easier to get mad or turn to “I don’t give a damn” than to “I’m hurt.” Blame: Fault-finding, making excuses, inflicting payback, lashing out as self-protection. Avoidance: Thinking, “I’m fine - no worries,” or pretending it doesn’t matter, or saying “whatever”.
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Numbing: I can take the edge off emotional pain with _________. Examples include alcohol, drugs, food, sex, relationships, money, work, caretaking, gambling, affairs, religion, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, social media, and the list goes on.
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Stockpiling: I keep firmly packing down the pain. I just continue to build up hurt until the wisest part of me, my body, decides that enough is enough. The body’s message is always clear: Shut down the stockpiling or I’ll shut you down. The body wins every time.
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High-Centered: I can’t move forward and I can’t move back. If I recognize my hurt or fear or anger, I’ll get stuck. Once I engage even a little, I won’t be able to move backward and pretend that it doesn’t matter, but moving forward might open a flood gate of emotion I can’t control. I’ll be stuck. What if I recognize the emotion and it dislodges something and I can’t maintain control?
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Fake Nice: You are overly sweet and accommodating when you actually feel resentful, hurt, frustrated, etc. You say yes when you mean no. Sometimes your niceness is inauthentic and you can feel like a ticking time bomb.
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