In the 3 years since I published my online parent program, The Response Roadmap™, there have only been two times that I have come across something that feels so important it warrants going back in and adding to the course. 

 

One of those moments happened in a parent group last week 

and I want to share this “AHA” moment with all of you.

For background, The Response Roadmap™ is my signature 5-step framework comprised of the best tools for parents (and providers) and packaged in a step-by-step format to make it super easy to use. 

 

The final step is Step 5: Reflect and Repeat. This is the step where you pause after a tough conversation or a hard moment with your loved one and evaluate how it went and what you want to do next, then we talk about holding the hope and how you keep going. 

 

What I stumbled into with this group of parents fits perfectly here and it sounds deceptively simple:

 

 

Not so fast gentlemen…

When something goes sideways and you don’t do the steps or you forget to emotion coach or throw a big stinky BUT at the end of your gorgeous validation that just sets your kid off, take a deep breath and evaluate. 

 

 

We learn so we do better next time. That “oh sh*t, I should have studied for that test I failed” pit in your stomach you get when you didn’t show up how you wanted, can actually be really valuable. Allowing ourselves to feel that discomfort can be a guidepost for how we do want to show up next time.

 

Turned your taxes in late? Feel anxious. Lesson learned. Calendar reminder added. Taxes on time next quarter. No anxious feeling.

 

Told a white lie to get out of a dinner you didn’t want to go to? It happens, and you don’t feel great about it. Lesson learned. Next time you are honest with your friend and you realize it’s not a big deal- they get it. No icky feeling.

 

Tried really hard to be calm with your kid during a really tough conversation and you were fried/overwhelmed/scared/exhausted/panicked and instead you got escalated and said things you didn’t mean? 

 

We have ALL been there. And, it sucks. That is such a crappy feeling. And, because our very natural and human response to crappy feelings is to avoid them, you may do any number of things to try get up out of that feeling.

 

You may minimize it. 

You may try to not think about it. 

You may try to justify or rationalize it.

 

Again, totally normal. 

 

And, I probably don't have to tell you this: not that helpful.

My suggestion? Pause. Let yourself sit in that crappy feeling for just a moment. (I promise, I won’t leave you there forever.)

 

What is this feeling telling you?

What is it there to teach you?

What is it communicating to you about how you showed up out of alignment with your values and disconnected from The Person You Want to Be?

 

So, you take some time to ask yourself: 

 

 

Important Recent Lesson Examples from My Real Life:

In this valuable space, post-dumpster fire moments, we are ready to learn and our “icky” feelings are just there as data, teachers telling us that what happened didn’t feel great and wasn’t us as our best selves. Mine the experience for the gold nugget of wisdom you want to take with you and put it in your pocket. 

 

Our mistakes are valuable guideposts, 

if we allow ourselves to see them that way.

 

Then: 

“Let it go, let it goooooooooooo!”

Important Disclaimer: If you have a tendency toward:

 

Well, first of all: you are my people. I see you. I feel you. I am you. Let’s ride.

 

But also, you may find that me telling you to “just let it go” will feel like advice you may get from a shirtless Matthew McConaughey slurring “Good Vibes Only Bro” while hanging out of a VW Van with a joint in his mouth and a bongo on his lap.

Letting it go just doesn’t come as naturally to some of us as it does for Matthew.

 

But, and I hate to do this to you, the data is there for people that allow themselves to learn a lesson, then move on. In fact, in one study specifically on parents supporting a child autism, researchers found that “self-compassion was positively associated with life satisfaction, hope, and goal reengagement and negatively associated with depression and parental stress” even when adjusted for severity of their child's symptoms (Neff and Fasso, 2015).

 

And beyond data, I have seen time and time again in my over decade of working with parents and providers and just humans, how our well intended propensity to beat ourselves up, especially when it comes to self-blame with parenting, really backfires. No child wants a parent that is berating themselves for a mistake.

 

Let me say it again:

 

 

(True for your clients too.)

 

It makes them feel worse.

It burdens the relationship.

Rather than a monument dedicated to how much you love them, your self-blame becomes a boulder between you two, keeping you apart, blocking your connection.

 

Now, if you have messed up and there is repair that is needed, please, repair. Apologize. 

Take Accountability. 

As all my my Real Housewives love to say, “Own it.” 

(Please do not use their behavior as a parenting model 

I just love the way they all say “Own it!” And never do. The joys of Bravo!)

 

But once you have apologized and you have mined your mistake for the gold nuggets of learning, let it go. It does not serve you to revisit it or beat yourself up endlessly or tell yourself over and over how awful you are. It doesn’t lead to behavior change, it hurts you and it hurts your relationships with the people you love, especially your kids.

 

So, the next time things go super sideways 

and you get that tell-tale icky, crappy, feeling 

in your stomach, 

take a pause and ask yourself:

 

 

If there is one guarantee in parenting or being a provider or in all human relationships that matter, it is that you will screw up. We can’t avoid it. 

But we can be really intentional in what we do after, so that the next go around is maybe a little better.

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Neff, K.D., Faso, D.J. Self-Compassion and Well-Being in Parents of Children with Autism. Mindfulness 6, 938–947 (2015). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-014-0359-2