Hey Dana!
Thank you so much for such an insightful question that addresses what many people deal with…difficult conversations.
The process that you go through to ultimately avoid the conversations is the result of anxiety. Somewhere along the way you experienced trauma as a result of conversations you witnessed or were involved in, and it led you to believe you need to take steps to survive conversations, and that just isn’t the case. So, the first order of business is to do the inner work of discovering how you got here; because the beliefs you hold about challenging conversations may have served you when you were younger, but they’re keeping you in bondage now. You’re no longer a little girl, and healing this will release you to engage in conversations without fear.
In the meantime, let’s talk about how to have difficult conversations because the reality is you haven’t had much practice, so having some language in your toolkit will help you to approach conversations with others with confidence. Before the language, it’s important to know difficult conversations are just that, difficult, but they don’t need to mean the destruction of the relationship. In fact, the avoidance of difficult conversations can lead to the destruction of relationships more quickly because as you sit on the things you need to say, your frustrations and resentments grow and it becomes difficult to even know what your real issues are; what was a conversation becomes a fight. So, don’t let your issues fester.
There are many types of difficult conversations, but one thing to remember going in is the importance of breath. Anxiety takes away your breath, which activates your nervous system to believe you’re in danger, even when you’re not, putting you in fight/flight/freeze mode. Breathe. It can feel like one breath takes five minutes, but there’s no rush, you aren’t being weird, just breathe. It will change the pace of the entire conversation. Without it, you can leave the conversation more exhausted because you actually exert more energy when you’re activated.
Next, recognize that anxiety will cause you to step into overdrive: overthinking, overexplaining, and over-functioning, which can leave you feeling worse when the conversation is over. Three steps to remember is to be direct, be brief, and be confident. Don’t dance around the issue, get right to it; if you don’t, you’ll confuse the issue and the lack of clarity will cause you to lose focus on what it is you really want to say. For example, if you have an issue with your husband not washing the dishes, you don’t need to express your appreciation for how he pays the bills, or even talk about how difficult this process is for you. Get straight to the issue of the dishes, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by how little you wash the dishes”, or “I need you to wash the dishes more than you do”. Notice also, how briefly the issue was addressed. Direct and brief work hand
-in-hand. Don’t get lost in trying to soften the blow for him and don’t exaggerate the issue, get to it and keep it brief.
This is the point where the conversation may get difficult. Some people become defensive when you bring issues about their behavior to them. This is where confidence comes into play, because their defenses aren’t your battle. You may feel tempted to shrink or apologize here, don’t. They may turn the issue on you or they may deny the issue. Breathe and let confidence step in. You know your issue and you know it’s valid, don’t get distracted here, simply restate your issue calmly. “I need you to step up and wash the dishes more frequently”.
At this point, the conversation is over (depending on the intensity of the topic). In most cases, your redirection back to the issue will cause them to relent and acknowledge your issue, and maybe you have a slightly longer and productive conversation about what things look like going forward. If a battle ensues from here, this isn’t an issue of having a difficult conversation, it’s an issue of being in a difficult relationship; and that’s an entirely different question.
I hope this helps Dana! Come back and let me know how you’re doing with addressing your issues with your husband…and others!
If you’re reading this, and you’re having the same challenges as Dana, I hope this helps you too. If you find you’re actually in a difficult relationship I invite you to check out Becoming Her Again, a self-paced course that helps you recognize unhealthy patterns, set boundaries with confidence, and walk away from what hurts.
P.S. Becoming Her Again also comes with the Boundary Starter Pack and Scripts for Difficult Conversations, so you’re not just gaining insight, you’re gaining the words to honor yourself.
