Ms. Independent, I appreciate this question because it speaks to the challenges that many women, especially Black women face, self-abandonment rooted in an underdeveloped relationship with self-care. Throughout our lives we’ve been conditioned to struggle in the name of strength, so much so that we curate lives built around it. We struggle professionally, financially, and relationally, and we call it normal, when it’s not, it’s common and it’s exhausting. What I believe you’re asking here is ‘where do we draw the line?’. And my answer is this, it’s time to rethink everything you’ve believed womanhood requires and lean into the womanhood you desire, and it starts with leaning into self-care.
Self-care is natural to our existence. We were born with the drive to prioritize our own needs. As babies, we cried to have our needs met, and as we developed we fought to take responsibility for them. We learned to talk, demanded to walk, and to feed and clothe ourselves independently; but these skills weren’t innate, they were modeled for us by our caregivers. They taught us to care for ourselves by the way they cared for us. With time, we grew to care for ourselves better than they ever could. Imagine waiting for your parents to feed you at the age of seven, or bathing you at twelve, it would be unsatisfying at best. The point here is you were taught to care for yourself physically, and you continue to thrive in it. Somehow, however, your emotional needs didn’t receive the same level of attention, and that’s the missing piece that your question seeks to discover.
We are physical, emotional, and spiritual beings, and all of those parts of us need care. As Black people our history isn’t that of self-care, it’s a history of survival, and the exhaustion you identify with is rooted in this painful reality. You were taught to survive. With good intention, your caregivers taught you to be the helper who’s never helped, to serve and never have needs, to achieve with little to no recognition, and to work in place of joy, all in preparation for the tough world out there. The problem is, this preparation conditioned you to exist in tough environments. You never learned to create spaces of peace and rest, to depend and rely on others, to ask for help. Similar to your instinct of taking a bath or brushing your teeth, you developed habits that promote struggle as a norm, and it’s time for that to end.
Black women give up everything to somehow obtain everything, and it doesn’t work that way. Love, peace, and joy aren’t gotten out of the mud, they are cultivated intentionally through rest, relaxation, and collaboration. When you sacrifice everything internally to have it all, you’re left with nothing.
So, where do we draw the line? At the very beginning. It’s time to rethink everything you’ve been taught, or not, about emotional self-care. Self-care is selfish, and there’s nothing wrong with selfishness; I champion it every day for myself and for my clients who give everything and are left with nothing for themselves. Take rest, say ‘no’, leave others’ feelings with them to manage. Remove everyone and everything else from the seat of priority and claim your place in the center of your world. Yes, be self-centered. If you don’t, nothing changes and all you’ll have is what you’ve got, exhaustion.
Ms. Independent, the rest lies in you, so do peace, joy, happiness, and fulfillment. It lies in your ability to recognize what you need and give it to yourself, just as you would a healthy meal. You’re the most important person in your world, time to start acting like it.
