One of the most common goals parents share with me is that they wish their child had more confidence to try new things and take risks.
It's an understandable wish. We all want our children to believe in themselves, speak up, make friends, and try new things without fear holding them back.
But after more than 15 years of treating anxiety, I've come to understand that confidence is the result of being brave, not a starting point.
The belief that children need to feel confident before they can do something hard isn't true. Children grow in their confidence because they try something difficult, whether they “succeed” or not.
The Confidence Myth
We often think confidence comes from praising our children's success and encouraging them that they are capable. These things certainly help. Every child deserves encouragement, but encouragement alone doesn't create lasting confidence. Real confidence comes from evidence.
Evidence that says:
"I've done hard things before."
"I was nervous, and I handled it."
"That didn't go perfectly, but I figured it out."
"I survived."
Every experience becomes data that the brain stores away. Over time, those experiences become the foundation of confidence.
Why Reassurance Isn't Enough
An anxious brain doesn't automatically believe compliments or praise. We often tell our kids, “You'll be fine!” when they are facing a scary-for-them situation, however, anxiety isn't looking for encouragement. Our brains need proof. We need evidence that we will indeed “be fine" which is why the reassurance parents and teachers give often wears off quickly - or makes no difference at all.
Evidence Builds Confidence
Imagine two children. One is told over and over, "You're so brave." While the other is encouraged to:
🍟 Order their own meal at a restaurant.
🤝 Introduce themselves to a teammate.
👵 Spend the night at Grandma's.
🙋 Ask the teacher a question.
⛺️ Go to camp even though they're nervous.
🎭 Try out for the school play.
The second child isn't simply hearing they're capable - they're collecting proof that they are.
don't be fooled: Adults Need Evidence Too!
The truth is, adults aren't much different. We often wait to feel confident before we:
➤ Start therapy.
➤ Have a difficult conversation.
➤ Set a boundary.
➤ Change jobs.
➤ Speak up in a meeting.
➤ Try something new.
However, confidence rarely comes before we do the hard thing. Confidence comes after we engage in an uncomfortable conversation, face a new challenge, or take a risk despite uncertainty. These opportunities are all evidence that we are capable too.
What Parents Can Do This Summer
Summer is full of so many of these everyday moments that encourage independence and flexibility. Moments that may seem small but are actually building resilience one experience at a time.
Ask yourself, "What evidence can my child collect today?"
Every day small moments create powerful evidence. And after your child does something difficult, resist the urge to say, "See? I told you you'd be fine."
Instead try:
"You were really nervous, and you did it anyway."
"What did you learn about yourself?"
"Now you have proof that you can handle hard things!"
Those responses help children notice the evidence they are accumulating.
Confidence isn't something we hand to our children. It isn't built through reassurance alone.
It's built one brave moment at a time.
Every time a child does something that once felt impossible, they collect another piece of evidence that says,
"I can do hard things."
Here's to collecting evidence this summer,
News & Practice Updates
JOIN VIRTUALLY!
Free Virtual Lunch & Learns
The questions keeping you up at night deserve real answers. This summer, Alyssa Hertz, PsyD, is hosting three free virtual sessions on the topics that affect a lot of families — but don't always get talked about with the clarity and compassion they deserve. Each session is free, stands on its own, and is open to anyone, anywhere.
Dr. Chase Love, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist who specializes in evidence based practices like CBT, ERP, and ACT in treating anxiety and OCD. He is also trained in Comprehensive Behavioral Intervention for Tics (CBIT) and Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE).
Allison Leibman has earned her full licensure and is now a fully Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)!
Allison's clients should have received additional information directly from our clinic with a form that requires your signature. If you have not yet signed and returned your forms, please do so no later than August 3rd.
EVENT UPDATE
CBT & Art Camp and CBT & Cooking Camp
One incredible week. Two amazing camps. So many brave moments! 💛
Last week, our CBT + Art Camp and CBT + Cooking Camp were filled with creativity, laughter, and real-life coping skills that kids can take home and use long after camp ended.
A huge thank you to our incredible volunteers, Sari and Juliette, who jumped in wherever they were needed and helped make the week run so smoothly. We truly couldn’t have done it without you!
Watching these kids grow in confidence while having so much fun was the highlight of our summer! We already can’t wait to do it all again next year! ☀️
If your child attended, we'd love to hear from you!
