Hi First name / friend,

 

Church greeting time: the dreaded two minutes of greeting your brethren, usually people you already know, with little effort toward those you don’t. 

 

If you get the sense I don’t like this time, you wouldn’t be wrong. My reasons, however, might be different than those you’ve heard before. Buckle your seatbelts, ladies and gents: I’m about to tell you all my unpopular opinions about the state of Christian community in the church.

 

I’m not here to complain. I truly believe we can positively change our church cultures. But to get there, we have to deconstruct some embedded beliefs preventing that progress. Let’s start with three things I’m seeing in American church culture, followed by three biblical mandates we can’t ignore, and three social steps you can take to align yourself with God’s will in this area.

 

When you chose to follow Jesus (or He chose you, depending on your theology), you signed up for a life of laying yourself down. That’s right: Your personality and preferences come second to His call. And as we’ll look at in a moment, there are real, biblical calls to action that will stretch both introvert and extrovert alike. God designed our personalities, but those personalities have been affected by sin. We are not objective persons, and some of us are going far beyond the basics of “I like to read in quiet places” to “I can’t and won’t greet anyone I don’t know.” I sympathize; social events exhaust me, hosting pushes my limits (and my selfishness), and I struggle to come up with good questions to ask people in conversation, especially on that two-minute countdown timer.

 

Thinking biblically about personality types: 

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters” (1 John 3:16).

 

If John speaks only about the great “laying down” of death, we can skim past this command with ease. It is much harder to lay down our lives in the church lobby. It is much harder when we want to stay in our comfortable, circling patterns of pride. I’d love to talk only to my friends at church, but that’s not what church is for. I’ve learned to overcome my personal preferences, learn social etiquette (which removes social anxiety), and make an effort to love my brothers and sisters. “Introversion” is not my identity; “follower of Christ” is. 

 

 

2.  Only greeting people when you’re commanded to. Friends, the church is mandating greeting those around you because you don’t do it unless you’re told to. In liturgical traditions this is called the “passing of the peace.” As the liturgy entered evangelicalism, and eventually nondenominationalism, it morphed into neighbor-greeting time. One might argue it’s been stripped of its true meaning, and that’s part of the problem here (I agree). Regardless of where it came from, the greeting time exists to pull you out of yourself for two minutes, yet many of us are still fixated on our own comfort. We are so focused on protecting our own peace, we can’t pass any on to our neighbor. 

 

“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” (Matt. 5:46–47)

 

Think of the worst secular meeting or club you’ve ever been to—the one with the most posturing, the most jockeying, and brownnosing. Imagine how the people greeted one another—usually just the ones they know. This is the parallel Jesus is drawing for his hearers. What are you doing more than the worst of the worst? You are exactly the same as the pagans. I don’t think I can be more forthright than Jesus was. He’s saying it all for me, and He’s saying it from a place of love. He is righteously angry at the behavior of God’s people because they are blocking people from experiencing God’s love. That is exactly what we are doing when we refuse to lay down our personal preferences to ask someone’s name.

 

3. The church lobby cliques. Emily Post, the etiquette queen we would all benefit from in this day and age, taught that the host is responsible for the comfort of every guest. If you are an established member of a church, you are the host. You are responsible to introduce anyone you bring to church to the people in your circle. You are responsible to seek out and welcome anyone who is new. You are responsible. Most serious Christians would scoff at church being treated like a social club, but for new attendees, that’s exactly how it feels. They stand near the coffee bar hoping someone will come up to them, nervous about their second or third visit—and no one even looks in their direction. But if hundreds and thousands of Christians take up the responsibility of an established member, no one is left behind. 

 

Thinking biblically about cliques: Jesus’s words in Matthew 5 apply again here. It’s one thing to have intimate friendships; I’m not saying you shouldn’t have an inner circle (I do!). I’ve also had people assume they are “inner circle” who were not, which is a confusing and painful thing to navigate. There will be friendships that are close and those that are not; Jesus modeled this (John 15:15). But notice: Jesus didn’t stand around talking to His disciples when the crowd was present. He held private, intimate conversations with his disciples after the crowd departed. Until then, the people were His priority. I recently heard a tip about this from a fellow women’s minister at a Midwest church. She made a pact with her best friend to refrain from conversation on Sunday morning. Beyond “hello” and a hug, they mutually committed to seek out women in need of welcome—establishing personal time together later in the week. By setting an example of hospitality, these women changed their church culture and ended the cliques.

 

I feel a sense of holy urgency around this topic. It brings me to near tears to pen these words. I picture the faces of people standing there, lost, new, wandering, waiting, surrounded by Christians with only the 20 percent—usually church leadership—turning their way. I think of the people who came once and never came back. I think of the people who tried to find connection and couldn’t, because we prefer comfort to the Cross.

 

Church, it is not your pastor’s job to greet the brethren. It is your job. And “greeting” doesn’t just constitute “hello”; it’s a posture of the heart. It’s a heart that says, “There is room for you here.” It’s a heart that says, “I’m willing to lay myself down for you.” It’s a heart that says, “I’m letting God sanctify me because I want to partner with Him in the love He’s showing you.”

 

Here are three ways you can step out in that partnership with God:

I’ve been on this journey (some may say crusade) for years now, so I’ve seen how the path unfolds. There is so much joy in store for you. There is so much goodness ahead. Open your eyes, open your heart, and open your door—just like Jesus does. You’ll never regret it.

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Heritage Press 1964 copy of Emma: I’ve been slowly replacing my classic books with vintage versions. This one is a slightly newer date, but it’s a very large copy with full color illustrations. I’m reading Emma with my Jane Austen book club in August, so this came just in time. I actually got such a deal: six Heritage Press books, in box, for $30!

 

Gardening with Center for Lit: I don’t listen to podcasts much anymore (it’s difficult to listen when I’m with the kids most of the day and working the other half), but I never miss my Center for Lit episodes. I particularly like to listen while I garden. We finally overhauled our raised beds and planted a little starter garden this year! It’s behind, but I love it. 

 

Teaching at The Table: We are wrapping up week three of our Proverbs study at my church. The model we use is called “The Table.” Women are assigned one table for the duration of the study to encourage intergenerational groups that prevent cliques, introducing women to others in the church. Our time is spent studying the text, discussing the text, and praying the text. I just adore teaching in my local church and our time together is always too short! Around the Table: Foundations of Faith is coming to the EWAT shop soon—everything I wrote and used in my own teaching sessions plus excerpts of my teaching texts. Watch for it!

 

Formerly Verity Conference, we've become the Every Woman a Theologian Conference to better reflect the heart of our ministry.

A quick planning tip: If you're traveling in for the conference, we'd encourage you to book your accommodations sooner rather than later. Traverse City will also be hosting a large mountain biking event that same weekend, so hotels are expected to fill up faster than usual.

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