When I started this journey, I told you that something in my heart felt like it was missing. I couldn't really explain it then, and honestly, I still can't completely. I believed in God. I prayed. I knew He was there. I just felt… disconnected. Like I knew OF Him, but something in me wanted to actually KNOW Him. 

 

So I started somewhere—the Bible. One day at a time. No expectations of becoming some Bible scholar. 😂 Just.. God, something feels like it's missing. Help me find it.

 

Well… this morning I sat down for Day 13 and somehow ended up on Day 21. Oops. 😂

I wasn't trying to get ahead or check more boxes. I genuinely just didn't want to stop. The more I read, the more I wanted to understand. Somewhere between Genesis, Psalms and Luke, I started thinking…. I don't think I was looking for more religion. I think I was looking for a deeper relationship with God. Truthfully, the “religious” part has scared me before.

 

Years ago, I sat in church beside a dear friend who had encouraged me to go. Her faith seemed so steady, and I'll admit something that doesn't necessarily sound pretty.. I was jealous of it, but not because I didn't want her to have it—I wanted what I saw in her. There was something inside of her that showed up on the outside without her ever having to announce it. I wanted that. I still remember the day I stood up in that church and decided I was ready to be baptized. I honestly don't know that I've ever properly explained what happened inside of me that day...

And somehow, through all of it, I had this huge smile on my face that I couldn't erase.

I was nervous, scared, happy, overwhelmed, maybe convicted, maybe relieved. Probably all of it at once honestly. I just knew something inside of me was saying, GO- so I did.

 

Then life continued and I didn't always listen. I made excuses not to go to church “I'm tired, I'm busy, I'll go next week.” You know the ones. If I'm really honest with myself now, I think underneath a lot of those excuses was fear. I didn't think I was "living right." Nothing crazy, don't worry. 😂 I just knew I wasn't perfect, and I didn't feel like I was living the way someone who called herself a Christian was supposed to live. Somehow, walking into church knowing that made me feel almost… hypocritical. So I pulled away, life continued and things happened. I was placed on a different path and that part of the story is one I don't quite know how to explain yet. Maybe one day I will. That path has somehow led me right back here. Needing and wanting to understand Him.

And then this morning I read Genesis 28. Whewwwww.

Jacob is quite literally in the middle of a mess. His family is falling apart, his brother is furious, he's running away, and he has no idea what comes next→  THAT is where God meets him. Not after he fixes everything. Not once life makes sense again→ Right there in the middle of his mess. When Jacob wakes up, he realizes God had been there all along—he just didn't know it. That one got me. 

 

How many times have I assumed God wasn't there simply because I couldn't feel Him there?

Maybe He's been right in the middle of my mess, putting pieces together that I just couldn't see yet. I'm also reading Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen right now, which has me realizing just how much power I give my own thoughts.

 

Psalm 13 came along. Basically it was…  God, where are You? How long is this going to feel like this? I don't understand. Yet, underneath all of it “But I'm still here.”

Whew. I know that prayer. Maybe you do too. Maybe faith isn't always confidently saying, “I trust God's plan!” Maybe sometimes it's simply… “I have absolutely no idea what You're doing… but I'm still talking to You.” 

 

Psalm 17 then reminded me that apparently I'm allowed to bring all those emotions into my prayers too. Thank goodness because some of my prayers might sound beautiful but some definitely more  “Okay God… what the heck are we doing here?”  Maybe He'd rather have my real prayer than the polished one I think I'm supposed to say.

 

Luke 12:25–26 basically asks.. What has all this worrying actually added to your life?

 

Well, alright then! 

I can worry about yesterday, today, six months from now, and something with a 0.0002% chance of ever happening. I'm talented like that. Don't be jealous. 😂

 

Honestly though… if worrying can't add anything to my life, why do I keep giving it so much of my life? Whew. Then came Luke 13 and the mustard seed—something tiny that eventually grows into something much bigger. I immediately thought about this journey. Thirteen days ago, I simply said- Okay God. I'm going to try this. No huge awakening, just a tiny decision to read today, then tomorrow.

 

Then this morning, when I accidentally read nine days because I genuinely didn't want to stop. Maybe faith doesn't always begin with some earth-shattering moment. Maybe sometimes it starts as a tiny seed. Then you just keep watering it.

This read was good from Psalm 15, it hit differently.

I LOVE that because at the end of the day, I just want to be a good human. Not a perfect one—a good one. To do good because it's good, to help without expecting anything back, treat people well when nobody's watching. And be okay when someone else get the applause.

Then Luke 14:11 talks about humility, and once again I thought → There it is.

Maybe God is much more interested in my heart than my performance.

And I'm starting to think that's one of the biggest things He's showing me.

I don't want to perform my faith or become someone who has to announce it everywhere I go.

I'm human. I'm going to mess up, question things, lose my patience and probably say a bad word or two. 😂 I just want whatever God is doing inside of me to become so real that people can FEEL IT in the way I love, forgive, give and show up. Not forced. Not performed. Just something that spills out.

Then came the lost son—and this one felt personal.

He wanders, messes up, and eventually decides to go home, expecting to beg his father just to let him back. But before he even gets there, his father sees him coming and runs toward him. Not “look who finally came back.” Not making him earn his way home. Just simply→ My son came home. Oh heart be still.

 

Maybe I've spent too much time thinking I needed to clean myself up first. Be better, do better, become "Christian enough"—then come closer to God. What if I've had the order backwards? What if I come closer first… and let Him work on the rest? And here I go wondering again… “what would my life have looked like if I'd understood that sooner?” Hmm.

And maybe that's what Jesus has been showing me all along… Stop worrying about looking religious and start letting God change your heart. I don't want to look faithful. I want to have faith. Maybe that's what I saw in my friend all those years ago. It wasn't how much Scripture she knew or how often she went to church.

 

And maybe, without realizing it… that's what I've wanted all along.

Thirteen days ago, I told you my heart felt like it was missing something. 

Today, I sat down for Day 13 and somehow ended up on Day 21 because I couldn't stop reading. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I don't want to finish more. I want to understand more. I still have SO many questions. 😂 But maybe that's my little mustard seed- a relationship I needed to grow.

 

One prayer. One question. One morning at a time. Maybe while I've been wondering where God is…He's been here the whole time. I don't have it figured out. Not even close.

 

Something just feels different.

 

🤍 Kayla

Genesis 28:16 | Maybe He was there all along.

Luke 12:25–26 | Worry isn't adding anything.

Luke 14:11 | Humility over applause.

Luke 15:20 | He saw him coming—and ran toward him.