There was a time when gay hookup profiles were refreshingly efficient about their discrimination.

 

“No fats. No fems. No Blacks.”

 

No ambiguity. No need for a diversity consultant to interpret the findings.

Today, we are supposedly more enlightened. You are less likely to see “No Blacks” written quite so boldly. We have rainbow logos, DEI language, Black squares in Instagram archives and enough conversations about inclusion to fill several Pride floats.

 

And yet, as a Black gay man, I sometimes wonder whether much has changed beyond the vocabulary.

 

Race still shapes who is considered desirable in gay male spaces. It affects who gets approached, ignored, fetishized, categorized and sometimes treated as though access to another person's body is a kind of social currency. On hookup apps, where complicated human beings are reduced to photographs, statistics and a few lines of copy, those hierarchies become especially visible.

 

Except now we have a wonderfully convenient word for them: preference.

 

“I’m just not into Black guys.” 

“It’s nothing personal.”

“It’s just my preference.”

 

And, of course, nobody should be required to be attracted to anybody. Consent does not require equal-opportunity desire. I certainly don't want someone sleeping with me because he is trying to improve his diversity statistics.

 

But I think we let ourselves off the hook when we pretend our preferences emerge from some pristine, culturally uncontaminated place inside us.

 

Desire has a history.

 

We learn what is beautiful. We absorb messages about which bodies are masculine, sophisticated, threatening, submissive, sexually available or worthy of tenderness. Gay men did not somehow escape the racial conditioning of the societies that raised us simply because we came out.

Black men experience the other side of this, too: fetishization masquerading as appreciation.

 

Being rejected because I am Black and being pursued because I am Black may look like opposites, but both can erase me. One says, “I already know I don't want you.” The other says, “I already know what I want you to be.”

 

Neither requires much curiosity about the person standing in front of you.

That, for me, is the more interesting question twenty years later. Not whether people are allowed preferences. Of course they are.

 

The question is whether we are willing to become curious about them.

Who taught me what a desirable man looks like? Which bodies do I instinctively assign certain characteristics to? Have I mistaken familiarity for attraction? Have I ever allowed an actual person to disrupt the category I placed him in?

 

Maybe progress isn't forcing ourselves to desire everybody.

 

Maybe it is becoming less certain that our desires arrived entirely on their own.

“

No Blacks” may have mostly disappeared from the profile.

 

I'm less convinced it has disappeared from the swipe.

 

Brothers of the Desert is a nonprofit organization dedicated to establishing a robust support network for Black gay men and their allies in the Coachella Valley. Our mission is to empower and uplift Black gay men and allies through initiatives focused on philanthropy, volunteer service, mentorship, education, advocacy, and social networking. We aim to transform the barriers that lead to feelings of isolation, disconnection, and inequity among Black gay men.

 

Brothers of the Desert has contributed over $20,000 in scholarships to various organizations within the Coachella Valley. In 2023, it was collectively decided to launch our scholarship program specifically designed to address the unique challenges faced by young men in our community.

 

This scholarship is committed to fostering equity, inclusion, and educational access. This scholarship program welcomes applicants from diverse backgrounds who align with and support the mission of affirming Black LGBTQ+ communities.

 

 

Recipients receive a $2,000 scholarship award, and recipients may apply for renewal in the subsequent academic year. The funds can be allocated toward educational expenses, excluding off-site housing.

 

Eligible majors include any field of study in a four or six-year program. Recipients of the scholarship are expected to provide bi-annual updates to Brothers of the Desert and will gain membership access, allowing them to connect with their support network for academic and personal assistance. The scholarship awards are outright grant awards. No services will be required as a consequence of receiving the award.

 

Applicants are required to submit an essay detailing their personal journey, including any affiliations with LGBTQ+ and Black focused organizations and the challenges they have faced or continue to face that may pose obstacles to their degree completion. Please explain why you deserve this scholarship, how you plan to use the award, and if you foresee any challenges in pursuing your degree in your chosen field. Additionally, outline some of the goals you have set for yourself after graduation.

 

The application packet MUST include:

1) Completed application form (online or paper)

2) Completed FAFSA form

3) 1 letter of recommendation

4) Essay (Please see Eligibility regarding essay requirements)

5) Transcript (unofficial is acceptable)

 

Denisha Shackelford

Inland Empire Community Foundation

For more information, contact Denisha Shackelford, Sr. Scholarship Program Manager at

dshackelford@iegives.org. 

 

Feel the rhythm at Lovers & Friends—an R&B day party with dancing, Brothers of the Desert and beats by DJ Tina Turntables!

 

Lovers & Friends is your R&B daytime escape! Join us September 6 from 2–5 PM as DJ Tina Turntables keeps the party spinning indoors—with drink specials, cool vibes, and zero desert heat. Best of all, 100% of door proceeds benefit the Brothers of the Desert Scholarship Foundation. Come dance, sip, and party for a purpose!

 

This event is hosted by our friends at "Boozehounds" Palm Springs! We appreciate your engagement and continued support!

Boozehounds Palm Springs, 2080 N Palm Canyon Drive, Palm Springs, California 92262 (760)656-0067.

 

Visit Brothersofthedesert.org to more about us and to donate directly to our scholarship fund visit www.iegives.org

Brothers of the Desert is excited to continue our monthly discussion group called Barbershop: A Black Gay Men’s Space for Honest Talk About Wellness, now in our second year!

 

Building upon the tradition of barbershops in Black communities, the discussion group is designed to encourage open and honest conversation. The meetings are welcoming a spectrum of Black men, gay, bisexual, transgender and nonbinary. The wellness topics discussed are diverse, ranging from dating and intimacy, aging considerations, how we get and offer support, and exploring our identities as Black men.

 

The group meets the second Tuesday of each month from 5:30-7:00 PM. There is no charge to attend. We begin with a meet and greet with dinner that begins at 5:30PM and the discussion group starts at 6PM. The group is facilitated by Stuart Huggins and Will Dean.

 

To register to attend the meetings email: willdean.boardmember@brothersofthedesert.org

 

Brothers of the Desert members meet monthly to discuss recent and upcoming events, share updates on the organization, celebrate our accomplishments, and have an opportunity to connect with new and existing members.

 

Join us for our Monthly Members & Allies Lunch at Mark's Burger!

Both members and allies are welcome to attend (Cash and Carry).

RSVP with DavidMaurice.Jones@gmail.com before July 10, 2026.

When PrEP arrived, it promised something extraordinary: sex without the same fear of HIV that had haunted generations of gay and bisexual men.

 

And medically, that mattered enormously.

 

But something interesting happened along the way. We changed the science much faster than we changed our relationship with shame.

 

I grew up in a world where sex between men already came carrying luggage. Religion had opinions. Families had opinions. Society certainly had opinions. Then HIV arrived and added an especially cruel equation: gay sex wasn’t merely immoral, it was dangerous.

 

PrEP disrupted that equation.

 

Suddenly, gay men had an extraordinarily effective tool for taking greater control of our sexual health. You might imagine we would have collectively said, “Wonderful! More agency, less fear.”

 

Oh, sweet summer child.

 

Instead, some of the stigma simply moved.

 

Men taking PrEP were called promiscuous. “Truvada whore” entered the vocabulary. People made assumptions about how much sex someone was having, with whom, and whether condoms were involved. Even within gay communities, responsible prevention could somehow become evidence of irresponsibility.

 

That contradiction fascinates me because it reveals something deeper.

Perhaps the discomfort was never entirely about HIV.

 

Maybe some of it was always about pleasure.

 

We are remarkably comfortable celebrating sexual health when it means restraint, caution and saying no. We become more complicated when sexual health allows someone to say an informed, enthusiastic yes.

 

PrEP didn’t eliminate every risk, nor did it make conversations about testing, STIs, boundaries or consent unnecessary. Sexual agency still asks us to make thoughtful choices.

 

But there is a difference between responsibility and respectability.

One asks, Am I caring for myself and the people I encounter?

The other asks, Will people approve of the kind of sex I’m having?

Those are not the same question.

 

Perhaps the unfinished work of the PrEP era isn’t simply preventing HIV. It is examining why, even when science gives us more freedom, we remain so determined to police what other people do with it.

 

Sometimes shame doesn’t disappear.

 

It just packs a small overnight bag and moves somewhere more socially acceptable.